A question for the BS out there that thier WS went ahead and made a life with their affair partner. How do you handle your kids telling you what a nice guy this person is or "we did ________ with him and it was fun".... My stbx has recently introduced her OM to my son as her "new friend" and they are starting to do things as a group. I do not want to tell him not to tell me about these things cause I don't want to have any barriers to communication with him but I can't tell you how this is literally killing me inside. She started her affair probably in '94-95 and told me about it in '96. We separated Dec '99, he left his wife april 2000, our divorse should be final soon.... My son is 9yrs old, he does not know what mom has done, I don't feel he is old enough to understand and what is the point anyway......

MKN,<BR>You are right in not wanting to have a barrier between you and your son and he has to feel that he can talk to you about anything and that there are no subjects off limits.<P>I went through the same thing. My x was living with om in an apartment and did do some things with the kids. My s was 9 at the time too. My s told me that om seemed like a nice guy and was like a big kid. It was like a dagger through my heart.<P>But I never said a word about it although I think my son picked up the change in my expression and the way I was acting.<P>X is now married to om and they have a house about 2 mile away. The kids go over every other weekend and 1-2 nites per week. ANd you know what, my son never mentions the om/h.<BR>One time my d went back into to say good bye when I was picking her up there and that too hurt.<P>Then tonite before I could reply, I was talking to my d about driving, she will be 14 next month and since all I have is a company car which she can't drive, I have to come up with a car for her. I had orginally thought about buying my co car, but found out that they want basically what a dealer would charge, so I told her I would have to look elsewhere like her grandmother's car. D said she didn't like that car and maybe om/h would give her his Transam. I wanted to say yeah right but I just let it go.<P>I noticed that since they have the house, he doesn;t interact with the kids as much as he is rebuilding the Transam and the x is running the kids to the mall everyweekend when she has them now. <P>I guess I digressed, but what I seeing is that the kids are all that enthralled with the guy, I think the newness of that has worn off.<P>I know its hard for you, as it was for me, to not try to get the kids to hate the om, but that is not the solution. The kids love their mother no matter what and whatever you say against her will only make them angry at you.<P>I know its tough, but you said it yourself, you have to keep that communication open for him.<P>Hang in!<P>Bob

I won't tell my D the whole truth...I tell her to ask her mom...<P>I am planning on telling LRB that I accept the way things are and wish them the best...BUT...if I ever find out her touches my D, I will ambush him and break both his arms then kick his [censored] over his shoulders <P>But yes their has to be some peace between us...<P>Bill

Boy I can relate. My exH had my 11 yo D meet his then GF in late August of '00. My exH had confessed to me about his PA in March of '00 and told me it was someone named Karen that he met on an airplane and lived on the east coast. I had told my D that her dad had a girl friend, he wasn't happy with me and wanted a divorce. We were in the middle of our divorce when she met GF and lo and behold the GF was someone from exH's work that my D had met in 2/00 on a ski trip. My exH had made up the entire east coast story. Anyway my d came home from that trip wanting to know why I thought Lisa was named Karen so I just told her that that is what her dad wanted me to know and think. My d was with them over Thanksgiving, then Christmas and then was in their wedding in January. This was all very hard on me but over time I don't always feel like a dagger is being twisted in my gut when my D talks about them. I recently told her that her dad and his family could not hurt me anymore and that it was ok for her to talk about them to me if she wanted.<BR>I don't think she will ever think of Lisa as her step-mom. She is younger than my ex by almost 10 yrs and from what I have heard acts very young also. She will most likely be more of a big sister to my d. <P>My only advice is to try and not put your kids in the middle. Don't lie to them but try not to say unkind things about the WS and the OP either. <P>I think kids deep down know who they can count on. My d knows who left her and who is always going to be there for her.<P>Best of luck to you. Kids sure don't deserve this.

Thanks guys for your responses, they are pretty much what I expected.... It is tempting at times to reveal exactly who this guy is but it serves no purpose in the long run.....<BR>I hate this......!<BR>Mike<BR>

Oh boy can I relate to all of this. I'm going through all of this right now as we speak. It's killing me to hear any of this but I too say nothing but I think my D as well picks up on my mood change and facial expressions. Funny thing is she really hardly ever mentions OM only when they do something that interests her and those times seem few and far between. Seems like her mother is too engrossed with OM to even spend any real quality time with our D. It's gotten to the point now that D wants to be with me more than ever now and doesn't want to be with her mom. In fact she gets real upset if her mom gets more time with her than I do. But what this all boils down to, in my ex's mind, is that I'm spoiling my D. We're divorced now, she had the affair, yet everything is still my fault. Go figure. Well MKN, guess we'll just have to hang in there and bite our tongues and bide our time as well, kids are smart they'll figure it out for themselves eventually. Jax

And then when they figure it out, they will feel betrayed by the parent who hid it from them...<P>This did not really come up in my case, since my H introduced the kids to the OW a mere six weeks after he left, and within a few weeks let the kids know he was sleeping in her bed.

Nellie,<P>Why will the kids feel betrayed ??? I still don't understand your desire to have the kids feel your pain in addition to theirs.<P>Most kids understand right from wrong, but this person is their parent and in their mind is perfect and I am sure that has to be totally confusing for them to see us with someone else.<P>In a fit of anger I did tell my d that her mother committed adultry, and you know what, it really didn't seem to matter.<BR>The kids just go over to her house to do their thing, there is no quality time with their mother. It is up to her to determine what kind of relationship she has with kids it isn't mine.<P>As for telling them the truth, that is out in the open for them to see. I don't need to throw my feeling/insight in to the picture.<P>Best wishes,<P>Bob

Since my wife told my son that if you realize you married a mistake it is OK to get a divorce, he has adopted that philosophy. He brings it up alot. There will be a time when I will try to change his thinking. When he gets older and starts dating I probably will tell him. Right now he just thinks that mommy wasn't happy. I feel that if I don't at some point tell him, he will think that divorce is the normal thing to have happen. Even though it seems that it is the norm now days, it was certainly not intended that way...<BR>mkn