I've been separated from my H since March 2000.<P>Tonight is the first night he has ever had our boys at his place for the night. They've spent overnights with grandma or friends during this time...but this is different.<P>Bleah. I want my family back, whole and in one piece. <P>This divorce stuff really sucks.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

BR, I understand about the nights without the kids..thats when we need to find things we enjoy doing..ad find friends to do things with...I was a SAHM for nine years..stbxh was gone all the time w/ work..and my life was spent with my kids..they may have spent a night away occassionally..but never all three gone at one time..until this past year..and it's been weird..and they think that just because they are gone..I have all these plans for fun..I usually just stay home..and clean..fun fun...I need a life...then maybe it won't be so bad..their dad took them this past weekend..(Memorial Day) he picked them up from school on Friday and I didn't see them again till Monday...talk about WEIRD!!! He's usually only kept them one night and brought them home the next day...and never the entire weekend like that..so I can understand...but we can learn that we are more than just a mother to our kids...or someone's wife..but we are actually real people with real feelings..and we are allowed to go out and kick up our feet occassionally <P><BR>

{{{{{BR}}}}}}<P>Hi... so sorry. I know the feeling but then, I started to get over it. I learned to take advantage of those nights by doing something I wouldn't/couldn't do with my whole family around! Now, when I have those nights, I really enjoy it!<P>Why don't you go on an overnight trip somewhere next time?! That always helps a bit changing the scenery... takes the loneliness and quietness out of the setting!<P>Hang in there... I'm off next week for my last business trip of the year (only one planned that is)... for 10 days! My kids will be with their Dad here in Chicago while I teach a course on HR in Bangkok! My Aunt will be coming so it will be business/fun trip!<P>Ya gotta find something like that to spice up your life! You're worth it and definitely deserve it. Circumstances in life happen ([censored] happens) but we can be calmed during and through it... you decide for you and don't let the circumstances define you! Ok, once again, I find this so much easier to say than do on a consistent basis!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

BR:<P>Definitely know the feeling. When H first had the kids on weekends, I felt relieved on Fri night. I could rest. At that time I had 2,3,5 year old. I was beat. Any way, after<BR>sleeping in Sat am to about 8 am, I didn't know what to do with myself and the last thing I wanted to do was clean!<P>So I LOOKED for things and places to go. I would go by myself to nice coffee shop and read. then I joined a divorce support group that also sponsored activities. I went to the movies by myself. ( I thought eveyone was looking at me saying look! someone alone---LOSER! But then, who cares. ( took awhile for me to think that)<BR>I invited people to my home for dinner, games, dessert, movie night. WHATEVER. But I find that I have to make alot of initiative and most of the people that would come are single and or divorced people. Married people (unless they are really, really great long time friends) don't want to hang out with you yet.<P>I look in the paper for activities, festivals what ever and I talk to people. the gas man, the store clerk, the whoever in the library, the post office. I just say HI. Now I am not saying they are friends, but it is talk and sometimes when you have no one to talk to it helps. (especially for us women who have at least 1000 words a day)<P>The thing when my STBX has the kids, he is never alone. He has either been with OW #1 or now OW #2. I don't think he can be alone with our kids for very long because they would drive him crazy and he wouldn't know what to do with them.<P>Most men don't realize very small kids don't really do much and their attention span is very small. I digress.<P>I have decided a while back that no one is coming "in" to save me. I have to go "find" them. I am a more reserved, shy person by nature (haven't figured out "why" yet) but I know that if I don't keep doing and looking, my depression will over take me and I can not let that happen. I need people! Join a gym, a club. <P>I saw my therapist yesterday and he said, HM, you know that as a parent you are a role model. If you don't take care of yourself and do for yourself, what will your KIDS SEE. A mother who does nothing, not happy. I am worth it.<P>From all the stuff from Al anon you know all this stuff. <P>If you lived near me, I would invite you over for tea. LOL<P>The big word in divorce land is "it's a process" It takes time. And guess what, it is and it does. "one day at a time"<P>thinking of you,<BR>Hopelessmom looking to the future without him

<B>TR</B>, <B>OvrCs</B> and <B>Hopelessmom</B>,<P>Geez, all I am doing this weekend is clean clean clean too! I am so swamped all the time....its a relief to not have the boys around making demands on my time. I didn't want time alone though...I want my family whole. My H has been coming over here on "his" weekends, but has all of a sudden decided that he can't bear to be under the same roof with me over night, even in the spare bedroom. (gee, could it be because he's sleeping with the OW again?)<P>On "his" weekends, I was pretty much free to come and go as I like, and I did. He was here with the kids in our home though, and we usually did go out to dinner together, all of us at least one night. <P>But now that he has signed his agreement that the OW doesn't see our kids....and he can't bear to be around me...<P>Actually....he was trying to weasel out of his responsiblity. He told me he couldn't stand to be around me, so he'd spend the night at his own place (45 minutes away) but come over during the day. Which the result would have been a couple of hours Saturday and Sunday he'd been around, and thats it.<P>So instead I called him and said, "Fine, you don't have to be around me, but you still have to have the kids."<P>So he's got them. They are spending the weekend in his tiny crappy apartment with nothing to do. I know he was planning to take them out and do somethings with them, but they are 8 and 10...they are becoming independent and don't want to listen to him talk about himself nonstop. <P>And I'm still not even really free. I have a 7 month old nursing daughter!!! She's never been left for more than an hour, and since I nurse on demand, she's pretty much my ball and chain...precious as she is. So I'm still limited in my freedom - and boy she's putting a damper on my plans today...she's teething and cranky and I can't seem to put her down for even a few minutes. I finally got her to sleep this afternoon but every time I got up, she rolled over and her little bald head could be seen bobbing up and down. <sigh><P>The last year and a half I have pretty much been with my kids 24/7...I don't think I even remember what it is like to be an individual grown up all on my own.<P>My exciting hilight of the weekend will be mass with only my daughter to keep quiet, and an Al-Anon meeting.<P>Boy...don't I live life in the fast lane!! You are right Hopelessmom, I need to get out and do stuff. I'm just not quite there yet. <P>And mostly I'm just really down that this is going to be the way things are from now on with the kids and their dad. What am I going to do when my little BrambleBud is weaned and ready to go off with her dad...a total stranger? It just turns my stomach.<P>Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. I'm surviving the weekend OK I guess. My laundry is getting done at least.<P>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Hi BR<<P>boy can I remember those first few times when he had the girls for the whole weekend. I went into their rooms and cried and cried. It felt like my arms had been ripped off. These were the 2 monsters that drove me mad with their constant demands, their whinging and crying, not to mention fighting, but they were my angels. They are my angels. And I missed them like crazy.<P>Now that things have settled down somewhat, I still miss them when he has them, and I still go into their rooms and sit on their beds and mentally kiss and hug them goodnight, and then YIPPEEEEEEEE, I've got time for MEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!<P>I go to the coffee club and have a HOT coffee. I read the paper. The whole thing. Not just the front page!!! I go to the hairdresser and don't stress. I can sit on the phone for an hour and have an uninterrupted conversation. I can read a book. It must be years since I've been able to read a book in the daytime!!! And at nighttime I uusally get one page in before I'm asleep!!<BR>I'm sure this is all too familiar to you!!!<P>I got a pang when you said you were nursing your babybud. I fed both mine for 13 months each, and absolutely loved it. They did too. It's such a special time isn't it? I'm one of those women that still has milk even 2 years after stopping feeding. Not a lot, but a little. My little monkeyface has just 0found me (hence the typo's) I often wonder if that's a sign that I will have another. Can't imagine it, don't even have a man, but who knows what the future will hold.<P>Aanyway, that's way off the subject.<P>Once you get used to it, you will grow to value this time. You'll have time for you, and the baby too. I found that time with my second was such a precious commodity and there was never enough of it. It's a perfect bonding time for just the two of you.<P>Take care of you BR, you need it and deserve it. I hope the babybud doesn't give you too much grief this weekend.<P>hugs<P>Jo