I am not being given a choice in our speration and enevitable divorce.<P>I have worked, I have planned A.<P>He says that he is not happy and needs to be with OW as life is short and he needs to be happy.<P>Enough about him and I mean that, the rest of this needs to be about me now. The questions is this how do I start planning for a Divorce? I will not be filing. What things do I need to be doing? Is there a check list of things that I need to work through? What was the most important thing that you did to prepare?<P>I've been all over the boards trying to gain insight so this would not happen to my marriage, but it has and now I must deal with it and ask for your help and support.

Well, not knowing where you live and what kind of separation/divorce laws your state has, I would check out the county courthouse web site. See if you can find links on divorce in your county and any downloadable forms. Start shopping for an attorney. Look for someone who practices family law as a member of your state bar. The majority of lawyers will schedule you for a free consultation, sometimes for an hour or more. Take a note pad and pencil as they will likely go over the sequence of events you can expect. They will also define any legal terms unfamiliar to you. Try <A HREF="http://www.martindale.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.martindale.com</A> to find a lawyer in your area.<P>Nell

Nells suggestion to find a "good" attorney is right on.<P>Do go to the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>As far as other good "divorce info sites"...<BR>check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/000265.html" TARGET=_blank>Divorce Related Web Sites</A> that was posted a while back. There is also a link to it from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A> post!<P> <P>Jim

Dear Daybreak,<P>In addition to the fine info you have been given, I took a walk into the family courthouse in our town. You see, at one time H was spewing on and on about the D. OW gave him all the info and told him how 'easy' it was and how inexpensive it was to get a D. Oh boy, H jumped at that. <P>So I met with a lawyer (one of the best in town) - free consultation. Got my options laid out and then, took a walk into the family courthouse to see how easy and cheap. <P>Nope, lots of work to save a few bucks. Needed to get financial records, file different forms at different times and it was heartwrenching to walk in the courthouse and watch little groups of people splitting up their lives. I cried while holding on to my son for dear life. At the time, I felt that soon, I was going to be one of those there also. <P>So for me it was an eye opener and also I got a clue of what was ahead. H never did the trip. All he did was buy a quickie divorce book for about $30.00. Then said it was too hard to do. Hmmmph. ..... Boy that made OW mad. .... Oh well. <P>So if he wants to let him try. If he is willing to spend the money, then go ahead, tell him he wants the divorce then pay for my lawyer also. <P>Just my thoughts. I would not be accomodating on this since it was not my choice. <P>L.<BR>

Thanks for the advice! We will be moving from this state before any papers are filed, and I will not be intiating any of those, as this is not what I want and I will not make it easy for him to be with her.<P>I just want to cover my bases so I know where things are coming from.<P>Again Thanks,

I was not given a choice in the stb divorce. I tried to make it work by going to classes on relationships, reading every book I could get my hands on and making positive changes in my life. But after much pain which increased when my stbx stated that he wanted a divorce, I took control. By taking control, I think I have been able to deal with this mess in a more positive manner. I could not change what he had every intention of doing but I could change myself. I went to classes on divorce, found out about this message board, read tons of books on divorce, found out about the divorce laws in my state and created a new support system for myself. My divorce will be final on June 25th after 26 years and I will be ok. I know I did everything I could to save our marriage but I also know that I did what I was forced to do but felt better because I took control.<P>I feel for you. I know the pain that you are going through. Do things for you and it won't be quite so bad.<P>Tricia

pspatty,<P>I am doing for myself, I am trying to prepare things so that I will have control, without having to be the one who intiates this. I don't want this, and will not aide him in doing this, but will prepare myself for the enevitable.<P>If he does not want to be with me he will need to divorce me!<P>That is just me and how I feel!! It use to be that I still had hope, I am out of my own FOG! And strenghtening myself.<P>Thanks for the response!!

There are a bunch of books/workbooks that give you a step-by-step of the divorce process. I bought the following and have looked thru it and will probably be using it when I eventually file too:<P>Divorce Yourself : The National No-Fault Divorce Kit <P>You can find it a amazon.com....see link below....<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0935755640/ref=sim_books/002-8668960-9791219" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0935755640/ref=sim_books/002-8668960-9791219</A> <P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Hi daybreak,<P>Thinking of you. I identify with your comments that if he does not want to be with me, then let him divorce you.<P>I have stood my ground for 15 months since he left 2x within 2 weeks, and18 months since he began affair with woman he met in a bar and had in dwi accident with him.<P>She filed against our law suit and Bonnie and Clyde were off and still on the run...running and hiding from the realities of life, the pain my children and I are in; and he says he is in reality!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Alcohol, that insidious poison, that destroys people's lives and he is in denial that he even has a problem...<P>My H started affair and in accident with woman in Jan. 2000.<BR>She has held him responsible since then. He left March 13, came home for 10 days when he promised me he got rid of his "problem"...yea, sure, and was I a fool! Then, he left March 30 and he is still with that op.<P>He filed for d. on June 2, 2000; then, he stopped it 10 days after our 20th wedding anniversary (June 7); then he started it again on August 7 (after op found out he had stopped in on June &); then, he stopped it a second time on Sept. 8th, 2000. <P>What a roller coaster ride I am on. Then, in March, 2001 after a garnishment went into effect on him becuase he defied a court ordered child support judgment which I filed for in August 2000(he defied it for about 6 months), he re-ignited the issue and filed an amendment on March 28, 2001 on the original petition of June 2, 2000. <P>Did you follow that? WEll, it hasn't been easy for me either. All I know is taht he was ambivalent for a long time. And, now, it is the real thing...it is 11 days away and my H will d. me. Yes, I am devastated and extremely hurt...so much pain and it seems for nothing--except he will not admit he has caused any pain--he is just taking care of himself--being true to himself--taking care of his own agenda. He has put all in financial devastation and he thinks he is fine. Of course, I am the blame...but did I abandon the family and lower our standard of living. Of course not, but he hhas CONVINCED HIMSELF THAT I AM THE BLAME.<P>The alcoholic mind is defending one actions with a another defense and they just keep coming...and they just keep drinking...<P>ON the advice of many people here on the formum, friends, <BR>attorneys and counselors, I have been warned to let the paper d. alone, don't fight it, and try to minimize the emotional d. by acting like I want it too. Ha, what an act I have to put on.<P>WEll, daybreak, write me back.. Would love to hear from you.<BR>elo