I went looking for advice on my situation and came onto this page. Hopefully someone who has experienced a similar situation or has useful advice can help.<P>I filed for divorce last october after my wife and I were unable to recover from our infidelities. I take responsibility as I was the one who began the problem. <P>I have established residence with an ow- I'll refer to her as "Susan". I met Susan at work Nov '00 through a mutual friend, and we started dating- probably my first mistake. I am no longer working with Susan. We have been living together since Feb '01 and have generally been quite happy together. My wife and I have had virtually no contact from Nov '00 until recently, and have realized mutual feelings still exist. I care deeply for Susan and do not want to hurt her. I have now realized what kind of mess I have gotten myself into. <P>I am trying to look at this from a moral and emotional standpoint. I know marraige is supposed to be a lifelong commitment and is the moral thing to do, however infidelity weighs on the other end of the scale. My wife is currently dating but not in living w/ an om. If we were to move forward with trying to salvage this marraige, we agreed to end our affairs and seek marital counseling. Prior to our our affairs that led to separation, she was a great wife & easy to get along with in general. We both had great jobs, income and very little debt, but often took her forgranted. I moved out of our apartment in June '00 out of guilt that I had ruined the marraige. After all of this she says she loves me & wants to make this marraige work. <P>Susan on the other hand has pretty much spoiled me since I met her. She buys me gifts, offers to help financially if she feels needed and is a very laid back person in general. I recently helped Susan's mother pay a large debt by paying half the balance. I am always happy to see her, and appaears mutual for her. She tries to avoid my family whenever there is a gathering, whereas I am open to spending time with her family. She knows of the divorce situation and feels threatened by my wife although she has no knowledge of my contact with my wife. Susan has lately been pushing me to schedule the final hearing to get the divorce finalized. <P>Any input is appreciated.<P>------------------<BR>

I read your post and at first I wasn't going to respond but I feel that I must. Now, I don't have all the answers BUT if you and your wife even "think" you might want to try again, then do it.<P>It will BE HARD! I would suggest reading all you can hear about infidelities, posts, books, etc and you will see yourself and probably your wife.<P>As for "susan", well, I don't think much of her. SHE wants you and will do WHATEVER she needs to do to GET you. SHE will stroke your ego and boy is she. BUt remember, she is living with a "married " man. If you leave her and return to your wife, YES you will "HURT" her. She is not going to just let you walk out of her life very easily. If you decide to do that , YOu have to find the inner strength to stop her. Perhaps, if you are involved with a church or have a very good friend, you could get what is called an "accountability partner" They Help you become accountable for your actions and steer you in the right direction and are they for you to be honest and open. Because this will be difficult. Sometimes men especailly, NEED another MAN who is righteous to talk to and listen and help.<P>Divorce is terrible. Marriage is work and if you don't WORK it, just like a farm, it can/will die. Life is not easy. <P>If you have kids, you have an obligation to WORK the marriage. <P>Please do.<P>Hoplessmom

If you still love your wife, you will be doing the most loving thing for Susan possible ~ letting her go to put her life back together and go forward. <P>There are stories all over these boards just like yours, honest and truly.<P>Be honest with your wife about your feelings, and be honest with Susan too -- as in tell her you are going back to work on your marriage. If she's smart, she'll realize she must let you go (WITH NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER) to try again for your family.<P>I wish you peace, and a restored marriage.<P>**as a caveat, if you go back and realize that the marriage cannot be repaired, try to spend some time alone. I didn't, by the way. I got involved with someone way too soon, like you did, and it makes healing a big ol' messy mess. I wish I'd waited. <P>Also, I relate to your story because my ex-H was the first to have many infidelities, I followed years later with one of my own, then he had some more... and now we are divorced.<P><B>oh, and this is a "Do as I say, Not as I do" moment.</B> I wish I'd listened... so I'm passing it on to you... do with it what you will. Best wishes.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited June 02, 2001).]