Hi Kathy,<P> I was interested in one of your replies to a thread etc... You said that your Dad told you most men have done it (cheated) 4-5 times by the time they are leaving their family. <P>Before my H's 2yr. affair I found out that he was calling an old GF (we were married 20 yrs. at the time he was calling) but he claims that he just wanted to see how she was doing, etc. At the time (pre Harley) I was very upset to find out about these calls and wanted to go to counseling but he assured me repeatedly that he loved me ,sent me flowers and just blew everything off.....( wish I had been smarter at the time).<BR> <BR>I guess now that we are in recovery for 2yrs.(it's going well) I am very curious about our past marriage and it scares me that maybe this is a pattern with him. What advice would you give me ? What did you do to dig? Thanks and btw, you sound really good! LU

Hi Lu,<P>I actually haven't been around MB for a while and just started lurking recently, a lot. I don't know why and I guess I was a little surprised to see something to me.<P>My Dad is my hero. My mom was a piece of you know what that cheated on him and divorced him. I still love her, but have little respect for her. Anyway, being a single guy, my Dad stayed that way because he kind of liked doing his own thing. He naturally has a lot of male friends and lots of them are single/divorced guys. My Dad is a wonderful Christian man who hangs out with all types of people because he wants them all to see God's love (kinda like Jesus did). He tells me what he hears from the experiences of all these buddies of his and just like we see here on MB, there are common threads to their experiences too. Also, hey, my Dad's a guy whose been around the block and knows what's going on. OH! By the way, my pastor even said something similar like that to me! It just must be one of those things in men that other men just instinctly know about.<P>Well, when he said that to me it struck a nerve because I suddenly had this flood of memories from the years past of our marriage, his distant moods, his swings that were almost like the withdrawal I was now witnessing. All the stuff I was seeing now I had realized I've seen this all before. Everything I had read in the books about what is happening to me now, I'd seen this stuff before. I can't tell you the shock it was to realize this, that my whole marriage had been a lie. I mean I was about as clueless as a woman can be. Then I realized that I'd also had constant hang up calls in our earlier years, so bad I contacted the phone company. Looking back, there must have been some kind of fatal attraction stuff going on. We've moved alot during our marriage, now I know why!! There was a co-worker woman, Robin, who followed him from one job to another, didn't even dawn on me until now that he was screwing around with her all that time even before we got married, and I always thought she was just a friend. She used to call in the middle of the night and claim there was a crisis at work, and he'd get up and off he'd go "to work". It was all a scam on me. And after Robin began working for his last company, suddenly he wouldn't let me come to the office with the kids anymore, he said there was new management and they didn't like it. Also, suddenly the company didn't do picnics or the Christmas party anymore. I didn't think twice about it, but I remember being at a superbowl party and mentioning that I thought these were terrible policies to a co-worker's wife, and I remember she gave me an odd look like she didn't know what I was talking about - so I think he was just making this stuff up to keep me away from people he worked with in case they caught on to him and Robin.<P>Mostly, it's the flood of coincidences and events in the past that matched what was happening now. Also, when he left I had my 15-year old computer wiz nephew get into his computer and he found things that H was "hiding" like e-mail accounts, women's user names, and he told me there was stuff there that he couldn't get into. I found a lot of strange women's names on his computer address book (which I had never looked into before because I didn't know I had a reason to). They dated back a bit and some had comments written in next to them. I was a little surprised that he kept up to date addresses on some of them, I mean pretty recent. These women just happened to live in places where he used to go on "business" trips, which by the way I knew many of these trips were never reimbursed but I thought he was just being lazy and I used to nag him about it, but he just blew it off.<P>Oh yes, and a few years back he told me that he ran into his old girlfriend from highschool (the school slut) just driving on the road. I have my suspicions something was going on but can't confirm it.<P>I also remembered all those times we'd be on a road trip and he'd be driving and I would be asleep. I'd wake up and find him flirting with a woman in another car - why I let this stuff go I'll never know.<P>Lu, I didn't do anything really gutsy like start e-mailing people and asking questions. Maybe DIG was the wrong word, it was more like all the puzzle pieces fitting together. My H was a computer guru and it was all right here on his computer for me to find. Finding it was a breeze after he left and I had full access to everything. I can't possibly tell you everything because like I said it was just a flood, but now it all made sense. The timing of my health problems went right along with the other strange happenings and occurrences that finally all fit together now.<P>I guess you have to go with your instinct Lu. There was no question in my case, it was as obvious as my nose to me what had been going on for 20 years. The fact that you have a recovery happening is a good sign - I never had even close to that. I don't know, I think he knew how much he'd done to me and knew he could never be honest about it so he just left out of guilt, which kinda goes along with what my Dad said to me about having done it already 4-5 times before. I'm just amazed at how blind I was and how I really must be a terrible judge of character because I always thought he was the most decent, kind, trustworthy boy scout kind of guy I knew. Wow.<P>I don't know if this helps you. I'd hate for you to jump to conclusions. If you want to e-mail me I'm at kmd_kmb@hotmail.com. Notice the initials are NOT the same both times ok, kmd and kmb. I sure hope the best for you, and yes I am ok, I'm very content and most of the time doing great. And once again, I'm up WAY to late! Thanks.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited June 03, 2001).]

Hi Kathy,<P> THANK YOU for responding!.....wow, girl , what a piece of work, that ex of yours. You know, I'm alot like you, never saw anything coming, and I've always believed everyone.I used to be the most trusting, naive person (like you, all 20 yrs.!) <BR> <BR> Some of your story has parallels to mine....we moved ALOT, my H was always antsy....He joined the AirForce because he had to get out of the small town we were in....hmmmm. There was an end of the year party at the hospital he was an intern at and supposedly no wives were allowed...stupid me , went along with it and he got into the house at 5am.I'll never forget how furious I was and soon after that we were moving.<P>I guess I will go with what you have said, I will trust my instincts and not let anything go. I'll try to let some of that other stuff go, it will drive me crazy,butI will keep my ears and eyes open! Thanks , Kathy, best wishes to you........ LU<P>

Hi again,<P>Would you believe I was up til 2:30 a.m. last night writing that reply, and I'm amazed that I actually made sense!<P>That's all you can do is watch. Now that the "light" is on, you will know if stuff he's doing is not right. You'll know the signs. Kind of makes for a miserable existence and doesn't allow much room for trust does it? I honestly don't know how you get that back. I guess don't try to analyze everything to death (like I do! - I should have been a researcher), but common sense girl, just common sense. All I do know is I was willing to try so my conscience is clear.<P>I really think some guys (women too) are just Peter Pan's that don't want to grow and just can't commit to one person, and when they do it's just for appearances. We went out for 6 YEARS before getting married. And even then, the decision to get married was by both of us out of pressure from his mom - he never asked me or proposed or anything like that. Maybe I'm just reaping what I've sown. I should have demanded more from our relationship when instead I just let him slide all the time.<P>Lu, I want you to be watchful and careful because if it is his pattern, I don't want you to end up with health problems on top of everything else. When you add that on top of the pain of a divorce, it's unbelievable. The hopelessness. If I didn't have my faith in God, I'd be gone right now. But I got thru it and happiness is a choice, and darn it I choose it and am.<P>Take care.<P>P.S. By the way, none of this was meant as advice because I certainly don't think I know the right way to handle stuff - and for sure I didn't mean it to sound like I said you should overlook some stuff. I was saying that at the time I overlooked some of his bulls&%@ but that was because I didn't know I had a reason not to.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy<p>[This message has been edited by weirded out (edited June 03, 2001).]