Memorial Day weekend marked 3 years of separation from my husband of 26 years (now in legal terms it's heading into 29 years!). (No kids.) Leading up to that we had gone through some counseling. We've both continued conseling independently off and on since the separation. During this time we go for periods of not talking, then dating. We remain very civil and friendly. (We went to Dr. Harley's seminar last fall.) He's now talking about splitting with his girlfriend of the past 3+ years and he's begun dating other women. <P>It was his decision all along, because he said he wasn't happy with his life.<P>All seems normal leading to a divorce, in fact we've been to a mediator for help in working out the financial stuff, 4 different times over the 3 years. Each time when it got close to the final agreement, he'd stop things and say, let's work it out, let's wait, I need time to think.<P>We just finished another cycle of this which I started by setting up appointments with the mediator to get things all straightened out for final, then 2 weeks ago he said, let's wait, he needs to think.<P>The problem you ask???? He says he still loves me, we are good together as partners, as friends, ... I never wanted the separation, nor a divorce and have not dated anyone else during this time. I've immersed myself in my job and even have gotten a promotion with a hefty increase in salary.<P>He is unwilling to stop dating others, even for a short time frame to give it another try. BUT, he now says he'd like to keep things as they are, just stay separated. not go through the divorce..... I'm very confused. <P>He is going through counseling to help with some basic esteem issues from his childhood and is starting to feel much better about himself.... I'm happy for him but don't see that waiting in a non-marriage/separation state does any good for me or him... I suspect that it would just be easier for him to not have to do the financial breakup. (THE big thing is a log house we purchased as our retirement home that he still wants to keep but says he can't afford to do it on his own. We've been sharing the use on alternating weekends since the separation. He wants to continue doing that. I don't want to go over there to a place I dreamed of retiring to, that I decorated with family heirlooms and antiques, knowing he is spending time there with his girlfriends.)<P>Anyone have any advise re separation of convenience.... at least his convenience. The thing I didn't mention is that I have been reluctant to go out and find dates, since I still feel like I'm married, at least legally. I don't wear my rings any more. I have lots of friends that have been very supportive but even they don't ask any more how things are going cause this has gone on so long.

hi logondd<P>Why should he get a divorce? Everything is just the way he wants it. He can date, but he does not have to commit to anyone new because he is still married.<P>You have to decide if you are ready for the 'bungee separation' to be over... back and forth, back and forth. He is not ready for reconciliation, but he does not want the divorce either.<P>If you want to get rid of your vacation home, then tell him you will sell your interest in it, and he can keep his and someone else can share with him -- maybe one of his new gf can put up the dough! Just kidding. <P>It is ok to be ready to move on and to accept it. 3 years is long enough. If he was willing to give up dating others and wanted a true reconciliation, then I would give you different advice. But he is not, so you can move on with a clear conscience that you gave it all you could!

That's what I've thought also. And it's what I know, really know deep inside. But it's a lot of work to get a divorce when you are the only one doing the work. It really makes me mad too when I think that for it to happen, I have to do it.... he just makes motions like he is working at it, but then appears at the meetings with nothing done. <P>He's supposed to tell me this week if he has an alternative for the cabin rather than selling it.... which he really doesn't want to do.<BR>

Hi again logondd...<P>I have had to do it ALL. My STBX wanted to have many gfs but he did not want a divorce. So I have had to pay for everything. He has done nothing. But he hates court so that is the motivation. Maybe in your case, the motivation can have something to do with the cabin, since that is his thing. Make concessions on that based on his prompt behavior. <P>I don't know what you need from him anyways! My atty was able to do everything without much info from my ex.... Is it financial biz you need? or what?

I'd say go and take everything out of the cabin that you put in there...family heirlooms and such that are from your line..and pass them on to others within your family who would apprieciate them..since you have no children...or put them back in your own home..that way you know nothing has gone missing..and then since you are tired of this yo-yo existance you set the time frame..of how much longer you will tolerate this, and let him know...tell him..I'll ive you six months...if after six months you still haven't decided on if you want to remain married..then I will file for divorce...that way you can start preparing yourself emotionally to end the marriage..or he'll realize that he really wants to stay married...but as it is now..he has his cake and is eatting it too...why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free...he has all the tax benefits of being married...and all the fun with other women...but no real commitment to the relationship with you..except a cabin???<BR>aren't you worth more than a cabin??? he can always buy another cabin...or he can buy your interest in it..if he can't..oh well..thats one of the consequences he's going to have to face...and it sounds like he needs to start facing those consequences..to bad your the one who has been paying the price for his actions...

I agree with giving him a deadlines....but I'd make it 3 months...instead of 6...he's had a pretty long time to "think about it." The thing is....you'll have to do what you say you'll do (file) when the time is up, or else all will be for naught.<P>I've been separated from my H for 1-1/2 years (no kids either) and it's the same thing: he is allergic to paperwork and a born procrastinator, so I will eventually have to be the one to file for the divorce. My H, however, isn't making any "noises" about reconcilliation...he pretty much has made his choice and is living with OW.<P>I am finally getting to the place where I will do it. I have alot to do this Summer, so it will probably be in September. It takes alot of energy to think about it because I didn't want the divorce; I didn't want the separation; I didn't want out of the marriage. But I will have to be the one. (I haven't, nor will I, date until I'm officially divorces either.)<P>So, in your case, you too will have to be the one. He is having his cake and eating it too right now....you have to be the strong one and force a decision from him.<P>Are you ready to do that? You sound like you are ready to move on to me.<P>Also, check with your lawyer/mediator...in some states, you can file for the divorce and if the other person doesn't do anything in a given number of days, it goes thru regardless. That way it he procrastinates again, it'll happen anyway.<P>Good luck.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Thanks for the advise. I told him last week that if he chose to continue dating I wanted a divorce now. So, I'm not giving him any more time to decide. He decided already. Now it's just getting it accomplished. Even the anger is somewhat fading..... and it's come to the point of why do I have to do all the work, like getting this going, when he's the one who wanted the divorce initially....<P>I am ready to move on and I've been telling myself that all day today. I'm worthy of someone who will honor me and respect me. I've been waiting too long for him to find himself, giving him time but as I look back over the past 3 years, it's always been about him and what he wants, what he needs, etc. <P>I heard today that he finally has made a decision, he wants the cabin enough that he wants to buy me out. We need to work out the details but I think I'll be able to buy a smaller place on a different lake for myself. I may even try to find something close in the Twin Cities to have the lake feeling year round. <P>There still are steps to go through and I dread the work I need to do, but I am ready.... I feel like I've gone down the slope, into the pits, and am on the way out and up.... it's like a big J... I'm sure the upside is worth it in the long run.