Hello all,<P>Thank you all for your concern and inspiration. OW H called me today, told me OW spent Friday night crying. Also said that she was 'relieved' Richard broke it off, that she had been avoiding him...<P>Yeah right!!<P>He wants to call Richard and thank him for doing the honorable thing, and to encourage Richard to focus on his family. Mature guy huh?<P>Richard has been kind, sweet and loving to me the past few days. I have worked alot lately, and he has spoiled me. I want to start working on the issues of our marraige, but have been sooo tired, and I dont want to push things. I dont want him to think that I believe that just cuz she is gone I think everythings ok in his heart. I know its not. And I know she is not the reason for his wanting a D. So I feel that if I ask him now if he is willing to maybe talk about how hes been hurt he will think I think its all ok now.<P>

duplicate post<p>[This message has been edited by OvrCs (edited June 03, 2001).]

Dara... look for leads into the discussion. Like talk only when he's ready. I'm glad for your sake, that things have calmed down a bit... they sure were heated last week and the week before with all that talk about your parents! Whew!<P>How is your D doing amidst all of this? <P>Tread lightly when discussing how he's feeling and for goodness sakes, do not do it in BED - go back to that pond or something. <P>So, when are you set to move now?<P>I'm finding it very interesting that the OW's H has called you and talks with you. I would find that very strange. But, the whole situation is strange... everyone's story is so unique!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Hi there OVr'C's,<P>I dont find it strange that OW H called me. He is just as concerned with his marraige as me. What held me back from calling him two months ago when I first got their # was I was afraid he would be an angry jealous husband. Come after Richard, plus I knew it would upset Richard.<P>What I started to say on my original post, but was interupted, was to comment on what JL mentioned in his last post to me. He warned me to watch my control issues, and to work on them. I worry that Richard may feel forced into breaking it off with her because I put some reality to the situation. (Talking about how OW H is hurting as well, along with the seperation from her children from their second father.)<P>My H hates to see me hurt, even thought he has hurt me tremendously over the last few months. FOr him to know there is someone else in this world affected by his choices bothers him, I know it. <P>But, I digress, as we so often say here. He made the choice to follow me to TX, knowing there would not be a continueing (sp) relationship with her. But he left too many open doors, ones that she felt were promises of a future with him. <P>I believe what I did was merely point out her H's suffering, bringing reality into the picture.<P>JL, I do believe him when he has said he did not intend to lead her on. I believe he made the choice to move and be with his children knowing he would leave behind their realtionship. Women are so much more emtional than men, and I myself have dwelled on any hope he gave me at my darkest moments. I believe she did the same. He said he would keep in touch with her when he told her he would leave, and also told her he would not live with me. Which gave her hope.<P>I am amazing myself here. How I am trying to have empathy for 'them.'<P>What next?<P>How can I help to open up those skeletons in the closet regarding our marraige? Of all the pain I have caused him? When I mention skeletons, I am referring to to pain I have caused him over the years, not anything he has hidden from me. He has only hidden his anguish....<P>I have the old Richard back lately...Affectionate, kind, thoughful, loving, sincere, compassionate, etc etc etc..<P>What now?<P>It feels sooo good to "feel" him again, but how can I help him to recover? Is he willing to recover? Or is he just masking his pain? Is he only trying to convince himself to be in love with me?<P>Above all this; how do I recover from his affair? When he wont even talk about it? Told him OW H called me again today, and he said "Does this ever end?" My response (I know, not good) "It took you a year to build this relationship, did you really think the damage you did would disappear this fast?" "Thanks Dara" He said.<P>Oh well, sorry for the rambling...<P>Are we in recovery yet? I dont know. I am afraid to ask, for fear I will pressure him.<P>Dara

Dara dear, get yourself into Al-Anon. That is where you will learn to deal with the skeletons both from your marriage, and from your childhood in a healthy fashion.<P>And one other thought, your H didn't cause the OW's pain by himself. She made alot of choices all by herself that caused her to be in this situation. So before anyone goes off feeling sorry for her, remember that she's a grown up and wasn't forced into an affair with your H in the first place!!<P>(((((hugs)))))) <P>Hang in there Dara, we told you that you could do this, and gee, looks like we were right! <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Dara,<P>By Golly I think you've got it!!!! For the first time, I really do. I am so excited.<P>You said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am amazing myself here. How I am trying to have empathy for 'them.'<P>What next?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>More of the same is the answer Dara. It is my feeling that what you have probably lacked all along in your marriage is "empathy". You focused on yourself, hence the "control" issues.<P>Young Lady, I think you are finally understanding what a marriage is supposed to be. It is about love, but it is also about "empathy". Understanding, or trying to understand what your spouse feels, wants, and needs.<P>You asked about him talking about the affair. Don't worry it will come. He will need to talk to you about it as the marriage heals and he heals. You need to let him know two simple things.<P>1. You would like to have him talk about it, no matter how painful to the both of you.<P>2. You will wait until he is ready.<P>From everything you have said about your H, he will talk when he is ready. You may find that you need to talk about things in the past as well. Especially, in light of all that you are learning.<P>Are you in recover?? Maybe, why not act like you love him. Why not act around him like you would like to if the marriage recovers. Give him a view of the future Dara. <BR>You are growing and changing, heck, you can even "empathize" with him about how he feels.<P>Dara, you are doing well. Keep it steady and even, the fog is lifting. You need to do your part to rebuild the marriage. I think from all you have said as your H becomes more ready he will do his part to rebuild. Once, he fully decides you won't have to ask us if you are in recovery; YOU WILL KNOW.<P>Hang in there, you are doing great.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<BR>

I too am celebrating this turn-around. We all said this from your earliest posts that your H loves you! Remember, when he brought that coffee? Now, my dear, keep working on you and making yourself the woman God created you to be!<P>JL has a great point that your H will need to talk about all of this when he's ready and he feels it is safe! I'm so excited for you! Gives me true hope!<P>May God bless you today - even in the simplest way - so that you feel HIM!<P>Carpe diem!<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Yep Dara, things seem to be turning around ~ slowly but surely...<P>JL, is {as always } right, and so is our pal OvrCs -- cause for celebration under way!!<P>I am excited for you... I WANT TO SEE YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEED, AND THRIVE!<P>(((((Dara))))) I'm good at giving hugs, eh???

Hello OvRc's, Sheryl, Jl and BR,<P>Thanks for the encouragement. You all, or ya'll, dont know how much it means to me.<P>BR, I will find a Al-anon meeting once I get to TX. Yes, there are many skeletons in my life...<P>OvrC's,<P>We are moving the end of this month. The movers are here on the 26-27th, and we will leave about a week later. Yes, I will keep working on myself. If not for my marraige, then my sense of self-worth. I have been plagued with so much guilt lately.<P>Jl,<P>I have been acting like everything is ok lately. Just loving him, doting on him, and trying to let him know how important he is to me. I realize that with the affair issue he will talk to me if and when he is ready. I do need a sense of closure about it, and maybe disclosure. But that he will give if he wishes. I dont have the right to demand it, or ask for it.<P>I am mostly concerned with the issues of our marraige, and our past. If only to talk about it. But the days are so short, I am working so much and he is painting the house. I am also afraid, or more like reluctant, to force any realtionship talks with him. I really do want to know, painful as it may be, what brought him to the place he is now. As you said, keep it steady and even. I dont want to push , or become deluded into to thinking all is well. The past few days he has not only reciprocated my affection, but given it freely as well. This is part of why I worry. I mentioned before how I wonder if this is all a mask. Not out of doubt, but wonder if he is merely trying to convince his heart that he can be in love with me again.<P>Am I making this too complicated?<P>You are right, I will know when I am "in recovery."<P>I worry though. I want him to be happy, not just pretending to be, or trying to be....I would love to contribute to his happiness...<P>Should I try to talk to him about our past? Try to work on some issues? Or just wait until counseling in TX?<P>Sheryl,<P>Yes, you are wonderful at giving me hugs by now..in my agony and frustration, you have always shared a few notable words to keep me grounded. ("Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?") I have felt each and every one of your hugs my dear. These past few months this board have been my refuge and solace. Thank you.<P>JL, you know I have always sincerely valued your opinion.. For one, you have always been so darn perceptive, and two, you have a knack or gift, for saying some pretty hard to hear things in such a tender way. I am sorry to say this, but will none the less. Like a father, you have corrected me and pointed things out to me so many times. Every thime you post in fact. But always in such a loving compassionate manner. I appreciate your wisdom, your time for sharing it with me, and mostly the compassion you so readily share. I have heard so much here, learned so much here. From all the wonderful people here. Sheryl, Gnome, BR, OvrC's...Thank you all so much.<P>Love,<BR>Dara<BR>

Well, you're welcome but I must say that I've learned heaps from you and from ALL of the people who have responded to you as well. This board truly is amazing!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I agree with OvrCs, everyone here has been wonderfully supportive, and we in turn support, and then the cycle begins again...<P>Love and Hugs to all... but...<P>since this is Dara's thread - (((((Dara)))))<P>...woo hoo, I'm getting good at giving hugs!!...

Dara,<P>You probably know this already, but you will certainly find it out with your children if no where else. When you try to help or teach, you are usually the one that benefits most. I have certainly benefited from talking with you and everyone else on this board.<P>You have been trying to teach your H a few things: that you love him, that you do respect him, and that you want to be married to him. LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED FROM THE EXPERIENCE. <P>Dara, ever done any fishing??? I am not a good fisherman, but I know the theory . Patience, timing, and skill are required. You are acquiring the skill, now it is time for patience. You may not realize this but you have a golden opportunity to show your H what love really is.<P>Don't worry about the talks they will come,when it is time. Your H seems to be a honest man, and he has made some serious mistakes. He will talk about them, when he knows where he stands. You have learned much and I suspect that there are things you want to tell him about the past and the time will come.<P>BUT your opportunity is here. I know moving is very stressful under the best of circumstances, everyone is tired, worried, uncertain of the future. But if you can avoid LB's now, keep H calm, and show him you love him, with a pat on the back, or whereever , a kiss now and then, and thank you or just a hug during the packing the moving, the trip down, Dara you will have made some hugh deposits.<P>Actions after all speak louder than words. Enjoy this trip, if you stop at a motel, get in the pool, splash, play, wrestle whatever with your kids and your H. It is a new start for you and I think for your H. Have fun Dara don't grip about the long drive, enjoy the sites, the fast food, the whole thing it is an adventure for you, the kids, and your H.<P>You are young and the best years of your life are ahead of you, so act like it and bring your H along with you.<P>So decide to enjoy this adventure, no matter how tired you are smile, thank God for it, and enjoy it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL