Hi all!<P>I will do my best to lay out a comprehensive relationship background and my current issues. I will also do my best to be as objective as possible because I want your opinions to be based on the facts.<P>My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have two children, ages 19 and 13. For the past two years our relationship has been on a steady down-hill course (with the exception of the past month which I will explain later). Although we have had our problems throughout the past 20 years together, (his use of pornography, pot, criticism, and sometimes abandonment of me (like when I drove myself to the hospital for surgery for an ectopic pregnancy which he fully blamed on me,) the past two years have been hell.<P>I am a very goal-oriented person and when our children got older, I went to college, got my BA and MA and now have the job I always wanted. Here's where the turning point occurred. Within two weeks of my graduation, my husband began to complain and have anger outbursts on a weekly basis. The things he complained about are: My parenting,(too soft on the kids) too emotional, my projects around the house (redecorating), that I don't listen to him, etc... He began yelling at my daughter to the point where she no longer wants anything to do with him. She refuses to talk to him. Apparently, they went to the grocery store together last year around Christmas and he yelled at her for half an hour so she hates him now. He has also hit her for not doing her laundry and hurt his arm in the process. She hates him even more. <P>In March she began cutting herself and is currently in therapy and on anti-depressants.<P>My son feels the same way my daughter does. He says he feels like he has to be on guard all the time to defend himself from the criticism. In February, he went to Ventura without telling us, went to a rave party, and ended up in the hospital for three days due to a bad LSD trip. He has never been in any trouble before. Notice both kids went off the deep end around the same time.<P>Prior to this, while I was in school, our marriage was at its best. My husband was 100% supportive. You can imagine what a shock it was for me to have the rug pulled out from under me. I thought everything was fine. Now there is little he likes about me or the kids.<P>We tried therapy twice. Both times the ways my husband was contributing to the problems were pointed out and both times he abandoned the therapy saying he was blamed.<P>Then he tried going to church at his mothers pleading. He abandoned that and told me yesterday it is because he has been convicted. I asked about what, and he said, the pornography issue.<P>He runs from responsibility, yet constantly blames others for just about everything.<P>I am sleeping in a separate room and have completed the divorce papers for filing this week. <P>You guys think I am doing the right thing here? In the last two weeks I have softened some. I am starting to miss him yet this is stupid because nothing has changed other than his anger outbursts. He still smokes pot, uses pornography, and takes no responsibility for his part in the problem. He says I am abandoning the relationship, not him.<P>

you know, as I read my own post I realize I am probably experiencing normal emotional reactions to the fact that our relationship is over after 20 years. I am 39 and have been in this relationship half my life. Been in the house we share for 20 years as well.<P>I am sad and part of me really wishes this didn't have to end. But... Husband has made no attempts to show a desire to work things out. Yesterday he said he has been in a good mood because there is some resolution. I asked what that meant. He said that means that I showed him the divorce papers and we are working on finances for the future when we are divorced.<P>It makes me mad too. He swears I am the one who is throwing the relationship away, yet he makes no moves to change and work with me for the better. When I cry about our future divorce he says, you're making this harder than it has to be, and, just let it go and keep moving ahead. This is confusing sometimes because he also says, you are the one who wants the divorce, you are the one who doesn't want to meet my demands and can't put up with me.<P>I never knew this whole process could be so hard!!<P>Living in the same house until I am self-supporting is also hard because we have decided that he will get the house and I feel like I am in limbo with no place to call home.<P>I want to leave and get on with my life but until I find another part-time job (which I am applying for) I have to stay. Can anyone here relate to this rollercoaster ride.<P>Sometimes I am angry and want to leave - now!! I sometimes feel trapped because I have to wait until I can make it financially. other times I want to connect with him and give him a hug. Sometimes I want sex with him. I do think I would be betraying myself and the kids by going back to a relationship that has not changed for the better. All the problems are still intact and he wants no part of therapy. He only wants me and the kids to change. That's what is so sad about it. If only everyone around him would change he thinks it would be ok. Meanwhile both his children hate him and no amount of talking on my part has changed that. I realize it is not up to me to fix the relationship he has with them. Only he can do that. But still, he blames me for that too.<P>Guess I just needed to get this off my chest. <P>