Just to give you a bit of background: <BR>I have an 8 year old son who's very bright, (top kid in his grade), and who is also very kind and loving and fun and funny. <BR>I have a wife who is not bright, not kind, not loving or fun, (at least not for the last 5 years), and who has been committing adultery for at the very least 1 1/2 years. When she took my son on a surprise birthday trip this past new years and didn't tell me where she was going, and then I found she had gone to Death Valley with this divorced guy and his son, I told her I want a divorce. Up to then she had always insisted she didn't want a divorce, yet she kept spending time with this guy. I guess I'm glad I'm not the only one who's been living with daily constant intestinal agony as a result of this.... <BR>Hey, does anyone know of any divorce group for people whose spouses betrayed them?<P>But here's my main question:<BR>How do I tell my son that his mother is an adulteress, or has betrayed me, and that she wants a divorce as she "no longer loves me". What words do you use? And how do you get through the shock of seeing their faces register the pain? <P>Or, if no one knows what's best to say, what then is bad to say? (of course I'm sure I can't tell him what I really think of his mother and what she's done to me...)<BR>any help?<P>------------------<BR>Waiting for God...

I pretty much was in shock when my ex and I had our d-day 3/00. My 11 yo d heard us talking and knew something major was wrong. A day later I told her that her dad had a girlfriend. Looking back if I could have been more sane I would have tried to keep her out of things until more decisions had been made. As it was she went through the betrayal with me. I just told her that what her dad did was wrong and that married people are not supposed to have boyfriends/girlfriends. Shortly after our d-day my ex told me (in an e-mail) that it was over for us counseling would not help and we would both be happier not being married.<P>I have never told my daughter that her dad is an adulterer. One month after our divorce was final (12/00) he did marry the OW and my daughter was one of the attendants in their wedding.<P>Try and reassure your son that his mom does love him and just doesn't love you anymore.<P>Best of luck. If you want to e-mail me I am at patalp@hotmail.com

Hi CM.<P>Your son doesn't need to know anything. If you love him don't say anything other than mommy and daddy are having problems, for right now. If a divorce happens, then a divorce happens, and you must deal with it as the time and opertunities show themselves.<P>To use or appear to use your son as a tool or a weapon to get back at your wife is the wrong thing to do if you do in fact care for your son.. <P>My 9Y.o.d. knows nothing about my WS wifes actions. And guess what. I could careless about what she has done. It NOW is not my problem. and my daughter doesn't have to be burdened with our problems. Period. <P>I guess the bottom line I'm trying toget at is this.<P>LET HIM BE A 8 Year OLD. They grow up way to fast. <P>My .02$<BR>Tex.

You don't tell him his mother is an adulteress.<P>His mother and his father are divorcing. He needs to express <B>his</B> feelings on it. Try to take the focus off your pain and anger and give him the freedom to express his own without exacerbating it further by the details. He'll have enough of his own grief and anger to deal with. Sure, you can express that you are hurt and sad over it, and that these are natural things to feel, but then redirect it back so that he can feel free to tell you how he feels.<P>I'm sorry you're in pain and hurting from your wife's betrayal, but please don't involve your boy in that.

I suspect that most 8 year olds don't know what an adultress is. Don't YOU be the one to enlighten him.<P>The high road is a difficult path, but the view is better, Especially the one of yourself.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I have to agree with those that have posted. I have a cheating, lying X-wife myself. She is not bright, not kind (right now), not loving (right now) or fun. She is a royal pain in the a**. My only solace is that I have primary custody and can keep things fair. <P>Divorce is hard enough on the children. My 4 year old daughter wouldn't have a clue what adultery is anyway. <P>It will all come out in time. What my mom did to my dad came out in time. I have absolutely no respect for my now dead mother. I have the utmost respect for my dad who NEVER talked badly about my mom although my mom occasionally talked badly about my dad. Only after my mom's death and my Xs adultery did he talk about it and very little at that. <P>Do not burden your son with it right now. Besides, MAYBE your stbx will snap out of the fog in time. It may not be in time to save your marriage, but she may snap out of it. Do you want to be the one to ruin your son's view of his mother forever? You talk about your son being the brightest kid in the class. I'm certain he will figure it out in time.<P>I know you are angry. I've been there, hell I'm still there, but it is your duty as a father to protect your child from this mess. Instead, when he grows up, teach him about adultery. If he ever has a cheating spouse or contemplates cheating himself, he'll know what to do and not do.<P>Kevin<P>

I have to disagree with everyone her.<P>If you do end up getting a divorce, then you should let your child know WHY.<BR>“Mom fell in love with someone else & didn’t want to be married to me anymore.” Don’t need to go into details.<P>If you want your children to understand relationships and (hopefully) grow into an adult with more understanding, then they must know why divorces happen.<P><Sarcasm mode on><BR>I guess you could leave it at “we didn’t get along” and let him try to figure marriage relationships on his own.<BR><Sarcasm mode off><P><B>I have an 8 year old son who's very bright</B><BR>He’ll probably say, “yeah, I know. What took you so long to figure it out?”<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

One thing you may want to consider is the likelihood of him finding out from someone else - like the other kids at school or something. Not only would that hurt even more, but it may also jeopardize the trust that he has in you - he may think - "since you knew all along why didn't YOU tell me, and what else are you hiding?" <BR>Good Luck!<BR>Shakti

I agree with Chris. Your child has the right to know why his life is falling apart. <P>Your son doesn't have to know the nitty gritty details, but knowing why is a healthy thing.<P>I don't think kids learn a good lesson by hearing "Mommy and Daddy don't get along."<P>I talk to my kids (8 and 10) about my H's affair in general terms and in understanding the commitments and seriousness of marriage vows and morality. I don't tell them that their dad is a bad man. I tell them that their dad has gotten lost and is trying to find happiness, and that we have have to pray for him. I also have the dubious benefit of being able to explain their father's choice of having an affair in the context of his disease of alcoholism. They understand alcoholism, the Catholic context of the sacrament of marriage, and they understand that their dad still loves them, and that I still love them, and I still love their dad, but that we have to take care of ourselves.<P>I have always been very careful to make sure that they have my "permission" to love their dad no matter what. I don't want them to feel that they have to be loyal to me in the face of their father's betrayal of all of us. I always remind them to include him in their prayers every night.<P>I hope that my children are learning about compassion, love, boundaries and morality. They are learning that life can be painful, but that we face it, deal with it, and move on.

I tend to agree with Chris and BR.<P>I think my children are entitiled to know the truth. Just saying Mommy and Daddy don't like each other anymore raises more questions than it answers.<P>When I told my kids what was happening the very first thing my D asked me was does "does daddy have another GF?" <P>Now it is my task to teach my children that what Daddy has done is wrong and just because he did it does not make it right. <P>I never talk badly about their father, although at times I want to. I think if we hold our heads up high they eventually figure it out and know who to respect and trust.<P>

Hi Classical,<P>If there ever was a time for a person to spend a fee to speak to Dr. Harley, this is is. You have asked a question, and received observations from different sides of the issue. This one is just too important to leave it to chance. I see you have started another thread, and that you are devastated by the fact that your wife filed for divorce. <P>Think about all those feelings you have right now. Do you think your eight year old will feel any less? Sooner or later he has to know something. Ultimately, the responsibility for the right decision will fall in the laps of both you and your wife. Might be a good time to apply the policy of joint agreement.<P>This is just too important to take any chances. I recommend that you call Dr. Harley first, or at least get competent professional help.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper