I really don't want to split my kids up. I have a child from a previous marriage and 2 children with my current marriage. I am not afraid to find a job (currently in college) and not afraid to be alone. I'm not afraid to find my own place or my own way. But if we leave we'd have to split the kids. He wants the children, or at least to see them every single day. I'm not going through court battles again. He's a great father. But I don't want to split the kids. So how do you stay for the kids? I'm just so not happy. He doesn't remember to do anything so it's like I can't count on him. I'm just really not in love anymore. I don't get happy to see him. Could care less if he was here or not and I've told him what the problem is. I tell him with every single argument and he says he's so sorry and I know he means it, but then it's like his mind erases it. I mean literally. He forgets simple things, but things I really count on him for. When we have arguments they last forever b/c he goes into silent mode for hours on end waiting for me to forget the situation. It's like if we discuss it or not, it won't matter b/c it'll be forgotten by him in less than a day. I'm just tired and bored of the relationship. I want to be in love but it looks like that's not happening. How can we stay married for the kids and not kill each other along the way? I'm tired of fighting and he hates me more every day when we do. I don't like that feeling much either. Please email me. <P>------------------<BR>Just me!

Have you considered Counseling?? Get the book Boundaries<BR>and read that too...help set yourself some boundaries..<P>And realize that just because things bother you...don't mean they bother him..<P>Is he stressed out because of bills? or being afraid he can't support your family on one income? Is he stressed <BR>because of things on the job??

<B>I HAVE to stay married for the kids</B><BR>Good for you!<P>Now, are you going to stay & learn to hate your husband and end up regretting having children (and resenting them) or are you going to do what it takes to make a marriage relationship worth having?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A><p>[This message has been edited by Chris (CA123) (edited June 04, 2001).]

<BR>Your title jumped out at me because I'd heard it SO much, from my STBX and his mother.<P>NO YOU DON'T, <B>IF</B> you or the children are being mentally, verbally or physically abused.<P>If you have fallen out of love, or argue a lot, or have other problems in the relationship, by all means I hope you can get counseling and work things out. But you don't HAVE to stay married for the kids ... if your health is at risk!<P>Sorry, that phrase just sets me off ... heard it too often from the mother of the 'perfect son' who would just NEVER have done any of those things I confided in her about ... grrrrrrrrrrrr<P>T-L-C (who still has some anger to deal with!)

I saw nothing in Muneca's post that even implied that there was any abuse. She said her H is a great father, that she is just "tired and bored of the relationship."

We talked a lot about it and we're going to try counseling. I will try. Being that he doesn't remember things we discussed 10 minutes ago, right now I don't have too much hope. I'm going to go anyway and try my best. Maybe he will change. I mean he is a great dad and he's not stressed about working. He wants me to go finish school. He'd rather I get the max income than a job that pays minimum wage. I will NEVER regret my children. He got a vasectomy so we wouldn't have anymore and we're both really happy about that. I would really like to feel like we're in a real relationship. Him being a great father doesn't make him a great husband. I want him to put more thought and time into the relationship. We get to where we're fighting so much, it's like every week it's something new but basically the same. We have problems, we fight, we discuss then we come to a conclusion. The next week it's like he forgot everything we discussed so we start up again. I'm to the point where I feel like nothing we talk about matters. Then why do we talk? He says he doesn't know what his problem is, he just forgets. Not that he doesn't understand, just forgets. How do you fix something like that. Important conversations, blown in the wind. I feel so much hope when we finally come to a conclusion and then bamm, we're back to square one because he forgot. I mean it ranges from all sorts of things. Like not putting our 2 year old in her car seat driving her across 2 states when just the day before we saw many accidents on that same route to forgetting to send the bills and getting our gas shut off (he doesn't drink or do drugs, the money is in our account, just he forgets to mail things even with stamps on the envelopes). Our daughter's safety isn't a discussion although we discussed it anyway before they left. And still, didn't matter, he forgot. He's 29 he can't be going senile already. I feel like I have to do everything in this relationship. He works and I appreciate the fact that I CAN go back to school and I can't wait to get my degree so that I can help out with family expenses. But everything else is up to me. That's what makes me bored, unhappy. My mother says men are like that, don't ask him to do anything just do it myself. But this isn't the type of relationship I want to have. I don't want to be my husband's mother. I cook all the time because he doesn't know how and I don't mind. But if he knows how to do it, he should help out. Not constantly 'forget'. How can you mess up mailing the bills? I don't know. <P>------------------<BR>Just me!

What I'm wondering, Muneca, is whether your husband's forgetfulness is passive-aggressive behavior, a symptom of something like Attention Deficit Disorder, or just a "feature" of his personality type.<P>If you don't know anything about personality types, it might be worth your while to do some investigation. Believe me, as an INTP (a personality type often associated with absent-minded professors) I have <I>no trouble at all</I> believing that someone could have trouble remembering to mail the bills. I don't do it too often, but...<P>Counseling should help to determine if your husband is being passive-aggressive. If he is <I>not</I>, then you will need to work on your apparent tendency to take his behavior <I>personally</I>. You (or your husband) will need to get creative about working around his absent-mindedness. Checklists can sometimes be helpful. (There is a <I>reason</I> why airplane pilots use them.) Some responsibilities you will probably just need to accept as your own, ideally with your husband taking on other responsibilities more suited to his abilities.<P>The problems you have described really don't sound insuperable.<BR>