I read an interesting article awhile back that commented that women who wanted a divorce and usually didn't change their mind were usually in more long-term marriages and men who wanted a divorce and didn't change their mind were usually in short-term marriages. I found that interesting because I was married for 11 yrs. before wanting a divorce and my husband was married for 5 years when he wanted his divorce. Just curious....I do think that the longer the marriage the more chance of the couple trying to work it out. I would think the more history that they have between them would make it harder to divorce. Thoughts?

We'd been married 7 years when he had the first affairs, and we did "work it out" even having a marriage renewal service, then came my affair, at year 18, and it all went down hill from there, he had two more affairs (at least) at year 18-19, the divorce was filed in year 20, and the divorce became final in year 20. <P>Bottom line: 20 years

16th wedding anniversary was last Friday. September 9th will mark the year separation required here in the Commonwealth, and I'm assuming she'll file immediately. By the time it's over, it will have been nearly 21 years since we first met.<P>For what it's worth, she showed no interest in working things out. Ever. The history obviously meant nothing to her.

We were together for 5 years, separated at 20 months, divorced one month after our 2-year anniversary.<P>Like cOOker, she showed no interest in working things out. Ah, the pure ignorance of youth.<P>------------------<BR><I>We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.</I> ~Joseph Campbell

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BonnieSept:<BR><B>I would think the more history that they have between them would make it harder to divorce. Thoughts?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I imagine that the <I>nature</I> of the history would be a more important factor than the length of it. I'd think that a lengthy history full of good memories would make it more difficult to divorce, whereas a lengthy history of abuse would make it harder to believe that change was possible and so would lead to less wavering about the decision to divorce.<BR>

We met when I was 18. Were engaged when I was about 19. And married when I was 21.<P>We were married about 1 year when he had his first, mercifully, one-sided EA (with my sister - who apparently told him there was no interest on her part). He had one or two more of EAs. Had a mid-life crisis just before his 39th birthday. Work situation developed where advancement opportunities locked up do to other people's ineptitude - we won't get into his jerkhood.<P>So, at time of 17th anniversary he announced he wanted a divorce and moved out about 6 months later. We finally divorced just a few weeks before 21st anniversary.

Married 7 years when the first A took place. We stayed together then.<P>Two years later a string of EA's began. Four that I know of. <P>This year is year 11 of our marriage. He asked for a D and like Nick and Shawn has not shown any interest in working things out. <P><BR>ps...I would be interested to see if there is a pattern to the number of years before spouses leave.<P>

Very interesting.<P>We were married young, I was 18 and she was 16.<P>She filed for "D" after 5 years. We separated 6 months and then got back together. This time she filed 25 days before our 12th anniversary and like many others above, she wants nothing to do with reconsiliation. No affairs that I know of???????<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Let's see...<P>Engaged and married at 19 (he was 20)<P>His first affair 2 months short of our 10th anniversary<P>Separated about 6 weeks, reconciled.<P>His second affair, as close as I can tell, started last May or June (2 or 3 months short of our 15th anniversary) - separated in August when I found out - I finally filed the initial paperwork Nov 6 because he was emotionally destroying me and I couldn't take it anymore. He had to close the deal though...and he did without a glance backward.

Started dating 1982, 19 years ago, living together 1983, 18 years ago, Married 1985 16 years ago, we had a major life style change/crises with major career change starting in 1988, and first child born. Major change from then moving forward, completely new life style that we initially agreed upon, but didn't really understand its implications.<P>first job change in 1996, it has been down hill from there every since, in a slow gradual way. She wanted out in early 2000, 6 months short of the 15th anniversay, will be divorced probably sometime this summer, just over the 16th anniversary.<P> i believe GDP is correct in his analysis of history. There are so many factors involved, that every situation is different.<P>X has a MLC and some depression, related to her 20th year teaching and some genetic, and partly related to FOO repetition of my XIL's struggle at this age of control over the marriage. XMIL won and XFIL was reduced to a dependent servant.<P>

Discovery was in May 99, 15.5 yrs into the marriage. We separated July 99, divorced Feb 00.<P>Like cOOker and Jayhawk, no real attempt at reconciliation on her part. In fact I claim the shortest reconciliations in the Guiness Book of Records .<P><BR>After X caught om cheating on her with his wife(what a b*&%^&d!) she came to me and said she would do anything to save the marriage. In about 4 hrs after talking to om, she told me I misunderstood.<P>The another lasted about a week where she was back to her own self, but within a week she was walking by me again. Then on my birthday, she told me or rather I asked, that she was still seing om and when she said yes, I refiled the divorce papers she started.<P>I think it was here that I read that once a woman has decided the marriage is over, it usually is, as they feel they have done everything in their power to save it.<P>Bob

My H and I were married 20 years. History together meant nothing. Our six children meant nothing. The fact that he said that I always acted like I loved him meant nothing. The fact that he admitted that I would have had to have been a mind-reader to have known that anything was wrong meant nothing. <P>There was an article in the NY Times in which a psychiatrist was quoted as saying that in virtually ALL cases where a man suddenly leaves a long term marriage for an OW, the man is suffering from clinical depression.

Next week will be our 14th annivesary. Originally met in 1980 but didn't get together until 1984. I am 2.5 years older than he is. So I have known him for 21 years, over half my life.<P>H started first affair in Late 1999 (she was a divorced x2 woman and babysat for us and worked in same building with H)<BR>He broke up with her in late Jan of 2001 and started his second affair probably overlapping with first one. Dec 2000/Jan 2001. He lives in her house with her parents and her three kids. She is a widow.<P>H affairs started when youngest was 1.5 years old. Now they are 3,4,5. H did not try to reconcile at all per my feelings but he said he tried. I don't know where I was.<P>We are in the divorce process.<BR>hopelessmom

We were married in Dec of 1983 and divorced Dec2000. H first affair was 1999 and second was 2000 he is now married to that one.

I was with my ex 11 years. Married for 3. We waited 7 and a half years to get married because we wanted to only get married once and never divorce.<P>I think we were too young to make a lifelong decision and pick a partner that would have been a good lifelong partner for us. I think we had kids too soon and too close together and it left us no time for our relationship. It's not an excuse for him to cheat, or get depressed, like Nellie stated, because he was diagnosed as depressed too, but I think we just grew up into two very different people then where we started. I look at who he is now, and who I am now, and I'd never be attracted to his personality, morals or looks. Thats not to say I didn't love him when he left, just honestly saying that we grew up and grew apart and I understand it better now than I did.<P>As to Gnomes comment, which always makes me think harder about a topic, what might feel really good and happy to one person, may feel bad to the other. I often thought my ex was happy but he wasn't . He didn't realize what he was getting into having kids and tried to do what he could to keep me and them happy. In the end, he became more unhappy.<P>Interesting post Bonnie.<P><BR>

Me- married in 1982 after two years dating. I did a terrible job of meeting her needs. She mentioned divorce after about 11 years, she was involved in EA (at least) at that point. D final after about 12 1/2 years. She was still with him until last year. Once she told me she wanted D, there was no changing her mind. I remarried after about 18 months (maybe too soon!). Thought I had this stuff figured out. Wife # 2 started talking about divorce in 1999. I found this site, and used some of Dr. Harleys information, but she made up her mind in April 2000, and there was no<BR>changing it.. I was her third marriage (2 yr, 5 yr, and 5 with me). I did not want either divorce, and did everything possible to restore and continue the marriages. Both spouses were fairly close to my age. So, single again! I am going to make dang sure I learn a lot more about how relationships work!<BR>I must say that this is a great site, and offers lots of information and encouragment!<BR>I keep telling myself that God is not done with me yet- that he has a plan for me, I just don't know what all it entails yet!<BR>

Married 17 yrs.....<P>We actually dated a little in high shcool, and a little in college, but didn't really date and get to know each other until we were around 25 yrs old. Dated three years and then got married...<BR>Two kids later, and to be honest, I would have never thought he would find another woman. But I was wrong!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Not divorced yet, mentally seperated only, discussing divorce...met him 4.5 yrs ago, married for 16 months. Married at 23 yrs old...<P>I don't see a pattern..

My STBX and I dated for 4 years before getting married. We were married for 4.5 years when I got the "Speech", and found out about the OM. We are currently going through divorce proceedings. Next month will be our 5th Anniversary.<P>Griz

I see a pretty dominant pattern, though not in all examples given.<P>7 yr itch-some scratch<BR>15 yr itch-more scratch<BR>20 yr itch-no more will power!<P>I was dating at 18, married at 20 in 1984 and now a month before our 17th(A started 2 months shy of our 15th), I am pushing for divorce, and he has never tried any reconcilliation. He is still dating the long distance OW and even has a vacation planned with her a week after my D's 12th bday. When do I get my vacation? I have the resposibility of the kids, but I honor that.<P>We tell our kids about the D this Sunday. Imagine him planning his vacation with ow BEFORE he makes a date to tell our children!!!!!JERK!!!!!!<P>I hope reality bites him in the [censored]. No wining and dining on the company expense this time. Her either. <P>The good thing is he is so distracted, he will sign his life away before he knows what is going on. But I am not going to cheat him, I could not live with myself. But he is going to assume the majority of my financial burdens. He is quitting on me when I did not persue my degree in lew of marriage and he praised and suppported me being an at home mom. I am not prepared for the life he has forced me into, at least financially. But mentally, inwardly, I have done all the work, and I am the one who will be strong and independent, and he will flop. I just hope he does not lose his job! Then I would be screwed.<P>But that is not a consequence yet. I hope! <BR>