last night my unfaithful wife served me divorce papers; even though I knew divorce was coming she hadn't told me she'd filed. I feel like I've been run over by a car hands shaking, weak, sick to my stomach oh god this hurts

Sorry, man, there's no way to stop the hurt. You just have to go through it. The physical symptoms should subside over time. The hurt...well...<P>I have learned that it is possible to be happy in spite of a hurt that never goes away.<BR>

Hey CM,<P>So sorry about your pain....it's really horrible...we know.<P>I will keep you in my prayers. My only advice is to draw near to God. It's the only thing that got me thru.<P>I also go to a daily devotional that is really helpful....maybe it'll help you too:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.backtothebible.org/devotions/classics/streams.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.backtothebible.org/devotions/classics/streams.htm</A> <P>Please keep coming to this site for support. We really do care.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{classicalmusician}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>(In case you don't know, that is a cyber hug).<P>There really is nothing I can say to you that will make you feel better today, but I wish there were. Believe it or not, you will survive and you will get through this. Right now I'm sure it feels like your world has come to an end, like you will never be loved again, and like your heart has been ripped out of your chest while you are alive. Trust me--believe me when you can not believe yourself--you will slowly heal. To be honest, it is entirely possible you will come through this a better man and husband! <P>For now, though, for today, do not expect ANYTHING of yourself. Don't say to yourself, "I should be going to work" or "I should be able to stop crying". Just let yourself be sad, accept that you are in deep grief, and live hour by hour and get through the day. <P>Now...some practical advise. First, go out right now and buy some tissue with lotion--if you don't you will really rub your eyes and nose raw, and then when you add the tears, it really stings. Kleenex with LOTION. <P>Second, if you can, take a day or two off of work and cry in your robe and look messy. That way you don't have to try to keep up appearances. <P>Third, if you are a coffee drinker now, go buy some espresso, and if you're not a coffee drinker now, go buy some. You'll be spending a few nights up all night, and you might as well have a little energy, so you're going to need a "stash". <P>Last but not least, do you remember how it was when your son was a baby? He stayed up all night and slept all day, and your whole body clock was thrown into an uproar because you were up all night and then trying to work all day? Remember that? This is a little bit like that. You won't feel like eating--but eat a little anyway (those Hormel cups of soup were just the ticket for me). You won't taste it at all, but it's good for you. You also won't feel like sleeping because when you lay down your head just swirls. Well, lay down and rest anyway. If you can fall asleep in your recliner, sleep when you can. If you can fall asleep when you son lays in bed with you, let him. You probably both need each other right now. And if you just can't sleep or rest . . . well, pull out the coffee and write or clean or do something productive. <P>We'll be here for ya!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by classical musician:<BR><B>I feel like I've been run over by a car hands shaking, weak, sick to my stomach oh god this hurts</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's why you don't tell this to an eight year old without careful thought, preparation, and the assistance of competant professional help.<P>I'm sorry to hear that you are joining us under these circumstances. You have just experienced what is known as traumatic shock. Might be a good time for a visit to the family doctor.<P>In the meantime, keep coming back here, post what is on your mind. We're a pretty friendly bunch.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

The worst week of my life I think. It did/does last longer, but it is excruciating for that first week.<P>Heartache, massive heartache to the point I thought I needed to go to the doctor. For some strange reason, burping seemed to help. I drank Pepto-Bismol quite a bit. I couldn't sleep. I don't think I've lived on less sleep at any other time in my life; 2-3 hours/night for a solid week. I was only good for about 1 task at a time at work and I had to work hard to keep from losing it. I am so thankful that I was/am in my dream job. I LOVE MY JOB. <P>Take some time off if you can for the first week. Be an absolute bum and recharge your batteries as you will have to fight to get what you want in your divorce. I was not really functional for that first week. <P>It is perfectly acceptable to be depressed and hurt. It shows that you love your wife. It feels like a piece of you has been ripped out; a gaping wound. You will heal. I know you don't believe me. I've been there and done that, it sucks.<P>The world just keeps on turning. It will get better over time. The PAIN you feel will turn to just hurt and eventually pity for your stbx. She is so unhappy that she would lie and cheat. Her future is built on a seriously unstable foundation; lust, not love.<P>Remember that her affair is about her and not about you. She will blame you for everything and color your entire marriage as bad. The key to beating this is to remember that the only reason she says it is because SHE feels guilty. <P>FOCUS on what YOU want. Always be nice, but do not be "Mr. Nice Guy" at this point. Get what you want now for your future. Get it quickly while she is filled with guilt and is off balance.<P>I emailed my best friend many times. I told him I was dying inside. I know exactly how you feel.<P>You may think of committing suicide, but don't do it. If you do, your stbx wins and your kids? lose.<P>This is the absolute worst you will feel. Because of this, you will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine. <P>Nothing phases me now. I've learned to truly appreciate everything that I have.<P>

(((((((((((((((CM))))))))))))))<P>Your are in my thoughts. <P>Even though you know it will end it doesn't make going through it any less traumatic.<P>I always wished that my stbx could spend one day in my shoes when I was at my lowest. They deserve to know how it feels.

May God bless you through this trying time. Go ahead and feel what you have to feel at this time. I've read that the pain we feel at such a time actually helps us to heal. That doesn't sound possible, does it?<P>I've had tragedies in my life before. I always wanted to be a mother. We adopted a daughter when she was five days old. When she was seven, I miscarried and cried for two years. I lost two more in the next two years. I was in pain over the loss of those babies, but after a time I was able to go ahead with my life and I was much stronger.<P>You will be too and don't let anyone tell you to snap out of it. No one else can tell you how to feel as you are at one of the lowest points in your life.<P>I've gone through two of those (the miscarriages and now the loss of my marriage) and I'm still HOLDING ON.<P>You have many supportive friends on this board now.<P>Martha

Wow... I don't know what to say. ....... been sitting here at least one minute as I really don't know what to say. Thanks, of course, to all of you. But that's hardly sufficient. I feel surrounded by ...well... love... <BR>Now I'm more confused than ever: I want to cry for my pain, I want to cry for the pain that seems to be the norm here--so many people in so much pain, yet there's so few of us in this forum compared to the world that we aren't even as large as the tip of the iceberg of pain and misery in the world. I'm speechless in the face of all this suffering... and yet I feel a sort of warmth, a softness, a comfort after reading your so supporting letters.<BR>Life is so bizarre.<P>Anyway, I'm feeling better than I was when I first posted this notice yesterday. I know the pain is just resting for the next wave to come over me, but it also has to do with my history, which I'll just give in a nutshell:<BR> I gave up a pretty good and quite prestigious job overseas to return to America to try to save my marriage. I returned here in Sept. '97. I knew the marriage was in trouble before I returned, but I felt sure it would be fine within a couple months of my return. However from the very first day I flew into the airport I saw her behavior was so strange I began to have serious doubts. It got a little better by about the beginning of '99, and has been all down hill since then, just worse and worse. She was telling me she didn't want a divorce, but now I know that she was already cheating on me, (I HATE that word, cheating. It sounds like a child in school being naughty and peeking over a classmate's shoulder. Adultery is FAR more serious than simple cheating, IMHO). <BR> I know that even as long ago as 1996 people were telling me, based on what I told them of her behavior, that she obviously was having an affair and that I should wake up. But I believed in trust; I have felt that it's very difficult to have a loving marriage without trust. Unfortunately, it turns out all those people were right, and my trust WAS misplaced.<BR> Also, blah, blah, blah.... like everyone, my story is long and involved and complicated. <BR> To sum it up, her serving the papers comes as somewhat of a relief, believe it or not. <BR> But, still, the pain is there; just, Thank God, and you good people, less than there was yesterday.<BR>Thank you so much for all your advice. I certainly will take as much of it as I can. <BR> The main things that have saved me: God. I'd be a dead man walking if not for His love; second: performing in an orchestra. Playing music is amazingly therapeutic for me; third: my son; fourth: friends and fellow suffers like yourselves.<BR> And on a different note, thanks for the cyber-hugs. My wife hasn't been intimate with me since '96, so I've certainly got the message that I'm an untouchable. Being a tall and overweight man I don't get much physical contact, (boy, this sounds bad! Here I'm so pathetic that I'm grateful for cyberhugs! I want the real thing!!) But to be honest, just seeing those marks on the screen truly warmed my heart.<P>Thanks to those of you who replied, THANKS SO MUCH. And to those who didn't reply, even though you probably aren't even reading this, I can say: I feel for you; I feel your pain and send my prayers for all of us.<P>------------------<BR>Waiting for God...

classical musician,<P>Glad to hear you're feeling a little better today. Now you can get ready for what we call around here, "the rollercoaster ride." One day, you just hurt so much you can barely function--then the next day, you feel stronger and like there might be hope. Sometimes you'll even get motion sickness (haha).<P>I second the emotion on the things that will get you through. If it weren't for my faith, I would have been dead long ago. The funny thing is, I have seen so much more of God's grace and love and care because of my own sorrow and suffering than I would have ever imagined. Some people here are quite literally earthbound angels. The children, well they give you a reason to put one foot in front of the other and to keep acting civil even when your spouse is being a jerk. And I LOVE the way kids will just say what they need, "Dad, I need a hug--I feel lonely." It's chilling.<P>It's funny you should bring up music. Many folks here have shared the songs that have affected them so deeply, and it never ceases to amaze me how people can be brought to tears by Mozart and Loretta Lynn. Funny huh? Another thing I love about music is that it so expressively communicates exactly how you feel! Sometimes it is literally stunning how much you can let the music flow through you and let some of the emotions out through the music. Cool. What instrument do you play and who is your favorite composer and why?<P>Last but not least, I have one little encouragement for you. My personal preference and greatest attraction is to big, tall, well-built men. Just so you know, my H and I are trying to reconcile, and he is 6 ft. 3 in. tall, weighs 250 lbs, and he looks a little like a big old mountain man/business man. It's like wrestling with a bear, and his legs are like trees! Anyway, I tell you this because not everyone is attracted to 6 ft. tall, buff, hard-bodies. Hell's bells--I'm 39yo!! I don't want to compete with a hard-body--I want a big, old, cuddly, tall (the taller the better) "there's a buncha man there" kind of man who can relate to the 60's and remember the 70's! <P>Okay, so there's an encouragement. You'll be okay. Last but not least, when you can't take it anymore, laugh. Tell a joke. Listen to a joke. Laughing helps--I think it's even medicinal! <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Great adivce, CJ!<P>I can relate to the "not much physical contact" bit. My H left over a year and 1/2 ago and I have no kids. I work as a graphic design consultant to a company and my office is it's own building. Some days I don't really "see" any other people.<P>There are some days that go by that I don't get a human touch. If it weren't for my animals (2 black labs, 4 cats), I wouldn't get any kind of touch. Do you have pets? Maybe you could consider it....they are, to me, angels on earth.<P>However, I work closely with other consultants who I think of as my "work mates" and feel pretty close to a couple of them. So if I am down or really feeling the need for a hug, I say to one of them "You look like you could use a hug today!" and give THEM a hug! That way I get one too!! (Pretty manipulative, huh?) At least it doesn't make me feel like I'm the needy one all the time.<P>Another good source (at least here in Hawaii) is church....everyone hugs everyone there!<P>I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. You'll still have horrible days, but believe me, things will get better. You will be able to get thru this. I know...I know....I didn't believe it either back then. But although my marriage isn't restored, God has brought me thru....and I now find myself in pretty good shape (not physically!! HA!). I am beginning once again, to see that maybe, JUST MAYBE, there might be a point to living after all and that perhaps I do have a future.<P>God bless.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 06, 2001).]

Wow again... thanks so much FW! I even have a smile on my face! Not a laughing one, but a "warm-fuzzy" one. <BR> I sound a bit like your husband. I'm 6'2" and a bit over 250... well, yeah, a bit... but less than 300, I believe. But once this stuff is over I expect to get back to my ideal weight of about 190. <BR> I play the trumpet, and have for about 34 years, (I can't believe it, but I turn 45 this year... so I do remember the 60's and 70's fondly). I love almost all kinds of music, but hate with a passion rap and hip hop. I love classical music most of all, but also love rock, some jazz, and I love foreign music: Asian, European, African etc. <BR> My favorite composers are Beethoven, Mahler and Shostakovich. Beethoven because his music is so compact yet also packed full of life and love. Mahler because he has such beautiful melodies and phrases, and is such a blast to play. Plus I used to listen to his music as I fell asleep and really felt like I heard voices talking to me in the music, speaking in a language I didn't understand, but with very, very clear feelings. And Shostakovich because his music is such a blast to play: it gives me such a high; also his music is so strong and powerful, and speaks very clearly about oppression--yet speaks about it in riddles.<BR> I also love The Who, The Rolling Stones, Genesis (the original band), Emerson Lake and Palmer, I adore Bob Dylan's music, and many, many others. I love Indonesian Gamelan music, Japanese classical music, European folk music, music of India of all types, and on and on. I don't care nearly as much for "top 40" music; I want music that says something to my heart, not just ear candy. I also love the "old" hymns in church, and really don't care much for the new style songs that have minimal text repeated over and over and over and over and over.... Just compare the text of "The Old Rugged Cross" with the text of "I exalt thee" for an example. <BR> I'm playing Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring this week. If you don't know it, it's the one Disney used on the original Fantasia for the Dinosaur part.<P>Thanks again so much for your concern, thoughts, comments, prayers and cyberhugs! you really have made me feel better. Thank you so much.<P>------------------<BR>Waiting for God...