<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003162.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003162.html</A>

A little background on my wife:<P>She is a sex/spending addict with many compulsive disorders. She has not been diagnosed as such. I know that she cannot live without sex. Sometimes she can't even wait til I get<BR> home. She has had 5 affairs in the last 3 years that she admits to. She has been<BR> hanging with blatant sex addicts, bisexuals, loose women etc. She has been sexually<BR> active since her memory began. She is a sex abuse victim. Her Father was the<BR> perpetrator. He was caught by an inlaw and she was never helped? Father was<BR> brought back into the home days after being caught. She has many compulsive<BR> activities like lying, cleaning, spending, personal appearance/hygiene, nail biting,<BR> scab picking etc. She has never held down a job and didn't finish school. She has<BR> unaddressed learning disabilities. She has ticks while sleeping.<P>She has one probation for petty theft while with some of the children. The kids were either my daughter or her neice. She has had her license suspended twice. As of June 14th she will be three months w/o a license. She has taken videos of herself being drunk and getting injured in a hotel room. She was with two older women my 15 yr old daughter and her 16 yr old neice. She cannot get the kids to school on a consistant basis. My son and daughter suffer in school because she keeps them home. This is a family trait. there are other things that I cannot remember right now.

Invictus, <P>Can I suggest that you try and get her into counseling?<BR>A really good book that I would recommend is The Wounded Heart- Hope for Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse..<P>And yes, it is very common that they put the abuser back in the home..and it is also very common that others in the home<BR>don't help..even when they DO find out..And they are typically afraid to say anything out of fear...and your wife's behavior is typical of a survivor..she has not learned that her life has value..and she can't understand that you think it does..since nobody in her family valued her..how can you?? (is her way of thinking) read that book..it is heart wrenching..and it may help you understand her a little more..and it may help her to understand that she is valuable..but she has to want to heal..and to face the past head on..no matter how painful the memories are..and it's not easy..it's a lifetime of thinking one way about yourself...and I can honestly say that it feels like you are being cut open with a knife everytime a memory surfaces..and as you deal with these things...it's like peroxide being poured into an infected wound..it hurts like hell...but feels sooooo good..pain and pleasure in one fail swoop..but the best feeling in the world..is when you deal with the issues..and face them..and start to actually like yourself..and know that you are valuable as a person..but it also hurts knowing that the very people who were supposed to love and protect you hurt you to the core of who you are...<P>You would have to get help..and look at how you may have hurt her in away..because as the closet person to her..you will get the brunt of the anger..as she heals..and every thing you've ever done or said to her that could have hurt her in anyway...you will have to hear about..and every pain that was inflicted upon her by others you'll have to hear about..and be verbally attacked for..you'll just have to learn not to take it personally...because it's all part of the healing process...You will have to ask yourself..is it worth it?? is the pain you'll feel as she heals worth it??<BR>is her mental and emotional well being worth it to you??<BR>Emotionally she is still the little girl..her emotional makeup was stunted at the age the abuse started..so she only understands that sex = love..if you don't have sex with me..then you don't love me...if you love me really love ME..you won't have sex with me..it's a double edged sword..<BR>it's a twisted way to think...(beleive me) but the best thing you can do for her right now..is just be her friend..<BR>and try get her to seek help..you can't force her to get help...but you can try and encourage it..and go with her..<BR>ask questions find a support group for yourself...or see about starting one..for SO's of adult survivors..call a local abuse shelter and see if they have anything..or if they can recommend something for you so that You can try and help her...<P>

Alas my wife has not faced the facts. She has not entered that first step where you give up control. I am hoping this will do it.<P>I can and will, but she refuses.

It's not a matter of giving up control...it's about learning control...taking control of her life..and her learning she<BR>has choices..and has the ability within herself to say NO!!! <BR>Something she may not realize...on an internal level..<P><BR>