My Wife and I seperated last Aug when I kicked her out of the house after finding out she was in love with the man next door. This was all following a fling that I had for almost a year before seeing how much I loved my wife. You know its hard to understand how much you can hurt when a person that you were willing to leave, leaves you. So here we are now and she is still with this man, but tells me how she is missing me. To tell the truth this other guy has been really good to her over the past 9 months and she has no problems with him. I have been telling her to stop having feelings for me and to just be happy with him, but I do want her back so bad. what do I do?

Tell Her!<P>She is still your wife, yes?<P>If you are having these feelings you need to let her know. She may not be interested but then again she may be thinking the same thing.<P>It is hard to open yourself up to possible rejection again but for your own sake you need to know.<P>One of the objectives of MB is to give your marriage everychance to work out. Then if it doesn't you know you have tried your best and you can grow and recover from there.<P>Take Care.<BR>

I'm waiting for another post from Rob

ok Just_me<BR>9 months ago this woman left me taking what I thought was every part of me. I was wrong because she came back to take the rest of me. It seems that she was just playing games and I guess she wanted me not to have the new woman in my life that gave so much. Or maybe she was doing it so that to make me enjoy this great pain that she seems to put me in. or maybe she was doing it so that she could spend time with her boyfriend with the kids around (wich the court said was not to happen) without me saying anything. She started having him around my kids right after she started talking to me about her and I. The just this weekend she got so bold as to have him spend the weekend (nites included) with her and the kids. When I said something about this (because it made me mad with her placing my kids in that position) she told me how she did nothing wrong because she was spending the weekend at her moms and another person other than her asked him to stay the weekend. I have been lucky enough to have had two women in my life that was good hearted, unselfish, and honest. I lost the first one to what my wife became, and I lost the second because of what I thought my wife could be again. I asked if I should love her or not, I know now that I can never love her again because she is not the person I loved to start with. This person is selfish, heartless, and she is a lier. This person is so in to hersel that she is one of those that would think of herself as Just_me. I hope she one day finds the good that I know was in her at one time, and even more I hope she dosnt distroy my great kids like she did me.

to Rob:<P>You do not understand. You have blown everything out of proportion. If you were concerned enough to ask me/talk with me about things, then you would see. You always jump to conclusions without getting all of the facts. You do not know what I am thinking or feeling in my heart. You do not know how much that I have struggled through these last 2 years. I do not believe that you have seen that or are willing to see that. I need time for myself for a change. No husband, no boyfriend! I need time for myself, time to know who I really am without having to lean on another man to get me through or to bring me up. Time is a healer, and I deserve that time. You do not owe me anything right now, nor should you expect anything from me right now. That time has not come. I will not point fingers. That would get us nowhere at this time. You will believe whatever you want to about me because you always assume that you know what that truth is, but I will tell you now that you don't know the truth. You do not know me or who I am inside today. Maybe one day you will take the time to find out.<P>All I can say is that each of us make choices everyday, what we do, what we say, what we think, every action, every word can be a knife in someone's heart. We all make mistakes because we are only human. I cannot be perfect, so get that idea out of your head, but neither can you! I am only human. I only want to find myself, find who God intended me to be, and I pray that in my life I will have love and true joy! I don't know what else to say right now. It seems as though you have already made up your mind again. You are still in my prayers! <P><BR>

Hello just_me and Rob,<P>So... a chance to see both sides of the story, eh? <P>Listen you two, I tried this (both of us on MB) with my ex-H, and a few others have tried it with varied results. One thing you MUST DO (or mustn't, depending on how you look at it) is NOT DEFEND your actions.<P>If I understand (and I did a cursory search of just_me) your story parallels mine in a few ways: <P>You've both cheated (and by that I mean, while still married even if separated, you were with others -- in heart and/or body)<P>You both have, at differing times, wanted to repair your marriage<P>You (Rob) finally realize the finality of things -- now that just_me has given up completely.<P>You (just_me) is at the "You always" stage with Rob, and has no interest whatsoever in doing the work (since she has been doing it alone for the last two years).<P>Is this right, or have I got everything all wrong? Please tell me before I continue.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Just_Me...<P>Is it that you don't think you can be yourself while maintaining your commitment to your marriage? Can God not reveal Himself to you and His purpose and calling for your life right here and now without going away from your commitment? I'm reacting this way partially because you're saying the same exact things my stbx is saying about wanting to make his own decisions for himself. So, are you NOT able to find yourself given your circumstances somehow?<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Nyneve:<P>I have not given up completely. I thought I had made that decision many times, but my heart would never let me. It is very hard to do all of the work, because yes, I did it alone for so long only to be taken advantage of again and again. I gave up many times only to save my sanity. I still love my H very much, but we still have many problems to deal with. Our situation is still very complicated. H broke up with OW, but still carries on a friendship with her. I am in the process of ending my relationship. My H and I both agreed that we needed time to deal with OP on our own, and then think about our future after all of that was taken care of. <P>OvrCs: I have always had very low self-esteem and was depressed through most of the marriage, and through my marriage I became my H's slave. H has been very controlling of me. So much anger and hurt. Something that I had to break free of. I felt I was nothing without him. I never felt loved enough, good enough, perfect enough! I have learned how to be myself through this time that we have been separated. I am afraid that if we get back together that I will become that same person again. I cannot do that! I cannot go backwards. I want to learn how to be myself in our marriage, but I need my H to be open and honest and supportive. Things that I have always wanted from him. I need to know how to trust him again, but I cannot do that without his help! I don't know where to start. He will not talk to me about things, he only assumes. That gets us nowhere! <BR> <BR>I'd appreciate anything you have to say! Thank you for your replies! Beth

Hi Beth... THERE IS HOPE!<P>May I recommend that you get the book entitled "Controlled Separation" as I feel that may be what is in order for you both. It's a six month separation just to establish and position yourselves to salvage any hope that may be left in your marriage. Let me get the link...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/qid=992906004/sr=1-1/ref=sc_b_1/002-3045629-0180005" TARGET=_blank>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0809225131/qid=992906004/sr=1-1/ref=sc_b_1/002-3045629-0180005</A> <P>Try that... if it doesn't work, go to Amazon.com and look up "Controlled Separation" by Lee Raffel. It's an amazing book and really details how to move ahead with rebuilding yourself. God said it is not good for wo/man to be alone... but that doesn't mean it is not good for wo/man to be single... you need to be the woman God created you to be and search for that in HIM (God) and not in your circumstances such as your marriage, your work, your relationships, your family, etc. I'm praying for you. Please let us know how you are doing and what thoughts you have. This board, as you know, is an excellent support. Glad you H is on here too. He sounds committed and now it's time to put his actions where his mouth is and walk the talk if this is truly what he wants...<P>All the best!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Let me do my best to explain my relationship and myself with the X. She talks about how I need to be more honest with her, and at a glance most would agree. The things that I was not honest with her on were things so that to protect her. For example I did not tell her how I had a shooting pain in my heart every day for 8 years following a one-night stand that she had with one of my best friends. I didn’t see any reason to make her feel any less for what she had done and what I had forgiven her for. Another thing would be like if she said something to me that I didn’t like I would say nothing and just agree with her. I didn’t see any reason to get in a fight over little things. Now for the things that I agree we should have talked about. For example when I had got to the point of her always acting as if I couldn’t do anything on my own without asking others advise. This would anger me inside and was part of what made her less attractive to me.<BR>She also talks about how she became my slave over the years and she doesn’t want to be that way again. I have to point out that this is not because of me. This is a girl that never even wanted to have a driver’s license until I took her at the age of 19 to get it. This is a girl that was so afraid of driving that she didn’t start driving really until the age of around 31. This is a girl that I had to hold her hand in order for her to even call and order pizza. I wanted her to go shopping on her own. I wanted her to get a job. I wanted her to make friends. I wanted her to take the kids to Dr. visits. I wanted her to do anything that would make her happy but she never was, and she was afraid to do anything on her own. She is the baby girl out of 4 girls. Her mom did everything for her up tell she met me and then she had me to do everything for her.<BR>She talks about how while in the marriage she was never really happy and I agree with her on this. In the beginning she wasn’t happy because we didn’t have any kids, so we had a kid. The she wasn’t happy because she didn’t want to have to work and leave our child for the day, so she quit her job. Then it was that we didn’t have money to do anything, so I joined the air force. Next it was she would be happy if her teeth were fixed, so $3000 later she still isn’t happy. Ok now she would be happy if she was back home around family, so I separate from the Air Force and move us back home. Now she isn’t happy because we are renting but if we had our own home everything would be great, so you got it, I got us a new house built that she picked out the design of. Ok seeing that the house didn’t make her happy it is now going to take a new car that is smaller because the other one is to big, so we go out and get her a new car. Still not happy. If I wanted to think about it Im sure I could come up with much more, but the point is that it had to be me that she wasn’t happy with. This is another thing that makes a person less attractive to a person. It is hard to do everything you can to make a person happy and for them to simply be unhappy.<BR>Now time for the part about me walking the talk and not just talking the walk. It is I that saw that I needed time to devote to the marriage and if I wanted to see it end on my behalf. I told the girl that had stood by me for the last 9 months that I needed time to figure out why I still had feelings for this woman that had put me through so much pain. The X is the one that said she also needed time because she was in the same boat as I was (I didn’t tell her to do anything for me). She tells me how she will not be talking to him anymore because she needs time and two days later on my way to drop off a movie I see her and him sitting in the parking lot like she had for the prior 9 months, no biggy its her call. That weekend I get the kids and she has him stay the weekend with her like she had for months before, no biggy its her call. I have given her time and space to decide what ever it is that she needs to decide. I have even told her that if this guy is so great that she should stay with him (I said this in truth because I still want her to be happy). The change that I had is because even after giving all this space she seemed to have seen it as not being enough because the following weekend she had him stay the weekend with her again, but this time she had the kids home with her. The court order is that no boyfriend/girlfriend can be around the kids. This is because the kids are not ready to deal with mommy or daddy with another person. I don’t think she was thinking about anyone other than her self and it makes me mad. I give and give so that she can be happy, but I have to place my kids first. <BR>Ok that should give some incite to everything. <P>PS: I am not the best person either. She did put up with a lot from me over the past 15 years. Just don’t want people to think everything is her fault because it isn’t. it took two in this case.<BR> <BR>

Let me do my best to explain my relationship and myself with the X. She talks about how I need to be more honest with her, and at a glance most would agree. The things that I was not honest with her on were things so that to protect her. For example I did not tell her how I had a shooting pain in my heart every day for 8 years following a one-night stand that she had with one of my best friends. I didn’t see any reason to make her feel any less for what she had done and what I had forgiven her for. Another thing would be like if she said something to me that I didn’t like I would say nothing and just agree with her. I didn’t see any reason to get in a fight over little things. Now for the things that I agree we should have talked about. For example when I had got to the point of her always acting as if I couldn’t do anything on my own without asking others advise. This would anger me inside and was part of what made her less attractive to me.<BR>She also talks about how she became my slave over the years and she doesn’t want to be that way again. I have to point out that this is not because of me. This is a girl that never even wanted to have a driver’s license until I took her at the age of 19 to get it. This is a girl that was so afraid of driving that she didn’t start driving really until the age of around 31. This is a girl that I had to hold her hand in order for her to even call and order pizza. I wanted her to go shopping on her own. I wanted her to get a job. I wanted her to make friends. I wanted her to take the kids to Dr. visits. I wanted her to do anything that would make her happy but she never was, and she was afraid to do anything on her own. She is the baby girl out of 4 girls. Her mom did everything for her up tell she met me and then she had me to do everything for her.<BR>She talks about how while in the marriage she was never really happy and I agree with her on this. In the beginning she wasn’t happy because we didn’t have any kids, so we had a kid. The she wasn’t happy because she didn’t want to have to work and leave our child for the day, so she quit her job. Then it was that we didn’t have money to do anything, so I joined the air force. Next it was she would be happy if her teeth were fixed, so $3000 later she still isn’t happy. Ok now she would be happy if she was back home around family, so I separate from the Air Force and move us back home. Now she isn’t happy because we are renting but if we had our own home everything would be great, so you got it, I got us a new house built that she picked out the design of. Ok seeing that the house didn’t make her happy it is now going to take a new car that is smaller because the other one is to big, so we go out and get her a new car. Still not happy. If I wanted to think about it Im sure I could come up with much more, but the point is that it had to be me that she wasn’t happy with. This is another thing that makes a person less attractive to a person. It is hard to do everything you can to make a person happy and for them to simply be unhappy.<BR>Now time for the part about me walking the talk and not just talking the walk. It is I that saw that I needed time to devote to the marriage and if I wanted to see it end on my behalf. I told the girl that had stood by me for the last 9 months that I needed time to figure out why I still had feelings for this woman that had put me through so much pain. The X is the one that said she also needed time because she was in the same boat as I was (I didn’t tell her to do anything for me). She tells me how she will not be talking to him anymore because she needs time and two days later on my way to drop off a movie I see her and him sitting in the parking lot like she had for the prior 9 months, no biggy its her call. That weekend I get the kids and she has him stay the weekend with her like she had for months before, no biggy its her call. I have given her time and space to decide what ever it is that she needs to decide. I have even told her that if this guy is so great that she should stay with him (I said this in truth because I still want her to be happy). The change that I had is because even after giving all this space she seemed to have seen it as not being enough because the following weekend she had him stay the weekend with her again, but this time she had the kids home with her. The court order is that no boyfriend/girlfriend can be around the kids. This is because the kids are not ready to deal with mommy or daddy with another person. I don’t think she was thinking about anyone other than her self and it makes me mad. I give and give so that she can be happy, but I have to place my kids first. <BR>Ok that should give some incite to everything. <BR>PS: I am not the best person either. She did put up with a lot from me over the past 15 years. Just don’t want people to think everything is her fault because it isn’t. it took two in this case.<BR> <BR>

Well Rob, I just don't know what to say! Seems you have said it all. Hope that you feel better now! <P>Why don't you speak directly to me instead of talking about me?<p>[This message has been edited by just_me (edited June 19, 2001).]

Rob, I was not going to reply to your comment, but I had to say something!<P>"The things that I was not honest with her on were things so that to protect her. For example I did not tell her how I had a shooting pain in my heart every day for 8 years following a one-night stand that she had with one of my best friends. I didn’t see any reason to make her feel any less for what she had done and what I had forgiven her for." <P> You did not protect me by keeping your feelings from me. You were hurting our relationship more by keeping these things to yourself. Why did you marry me if you had not forgiven me for having a one-night stand?<P>"Another thing would be like if she said something to me that I didn’t like I would say nothing and just agree with her. I didn’t see any reason to get in a fight over little things."<BR> <BR> I believe that the so called "little things" are the most important things. If the little things are taken care of then the big things that come along won't be so big!<P>"She also talks about how she became my slave over the years and she doesn’t want to be that way again. I have to point out that this is not because of me."<P> A husband should be supportive, encouraging, loving, etc...that is what I want from MY Husband! You always seemed to put me in a place where you wanted me to be and left me there all alone. Yes, I allowed it, but that does not justify the fact that you were not there for me.<P>"This is a girl that never even wanted to have a driver’s license until I took her at the age of 19 to get it. This is a girl that was so afraid of driving that she didn’t start driving really until the age of around 31. This is a girl that I had to hold her hand in order for her to even call and order pizza. I wanted her to go shopping on her own. I wanted her to get a job. I wanted her to make friends. I wanted her to take the kids to Dr. visits. I wanted her to do anything that would make her happy but she never was, and she was afraid to do anything on her own. She is the baby girl out of 4 girls. Her mom did everything for her up tell she met me and then she had me to do everything for her."<P> You make me out to be spoiled and selfish! You talk about what YOU wanted. What about what I wanted? We had a baby because WE wanted to have a baby! You included! You joined the Air Force because YOU wanted to! What about my teeth? Was it just a waste for you to spend our money on something that needed to be fixed and also made me feel good about myself??? We moved back home so fast because YOU wanted to. You couldn't wait to move back home! You were never happy with the house! From day 1 you did nothing but complain about it! You know, your sister told me, "well, you know he hates the house!" We bought a car for me because I needed one!!! What's wrong with having a decent car to drive??? What about me??? You say that you tried so hard to make me happy, that you did everything you could to make me happy, but you never bothered to ASK me what would make me happy! My feelings were always tossed aside! I was made to feel low and unworthy. I was never good enough for you, because you wanted somebody who was PERFECT! Well, I'm NOT perfect and neither are you! Stop pointing fingers at me. Stop blaming me for everything that has gone wrong!<P>I tried my best to talk about my feelings and problems, you hid yours! You walked out on your family for a fling! We took you back again and again and again in hopes that you would come to your senses! I was there for you Rob! Where were you for me???? You hid so much, how were WE supposed to get past any of that if you just hide it? WE, yes, WE! It takes 2 to have a marriage. It takes 2 to have a SUCCESSFUL marriage! I deserve to be heard, I deserve to have my feelings count for something. I deserve more than just being discarded every time I stepped on your toes! I am worth more than that, so stop blaming me for all of our problems! They were OUR problems, not just mine! <P><BR>

Believe it or not, this is good... good that you're talking to each other even if it's in conflict... at least you haven't withdrawn. Ok, so do you know what I mean by this? If not, please read about the 3 stages of marital conflict: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html</A> - just click on the underlined link.<P>Also, please read as much information as you can about the basic concepts on this website. If you want, you can listen directly to Dr. Harley (senior) talk you through these concepts while you're doing something else just have this playing in the background. You'll need to click on this link and then scroll down to the bottom and click on the link you want: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html</A> <P>Remember above all... there are always three side (or more to the truth)... His perception + Her perception + The truth. You may need to put the pointing finger down, accept that you both had something to do with each of those little nit-picking things (nit-picking to me because I haven't had to live them but CERTAINLY not to you) and get beyond the situation to what you ultimately want... peace and health in your relationship ultimately moving towards intimacy.<P>Now, I'm not one to talk because I'm in the middle of navigating my way through my own marital discord right now as are most of us... but at least the two of you are talking to each other AND if my comrades on this site would join in this discussion, and if BOTH of you continue to post your thoughts honestly, but NOT vindictively - with the goal of seeking peace - you might find some peace and some help here. There is a WEALTH of information on this website but you need to start reading... <P>I would suggest getting to the Love Busters section and the Rule of Protection RIGHT away. OK? Find those under the basic concepts or on the left scroll menu from the concepts page. Don't give up... <P>"If at all possible if it's up to you, live at peace with one another." {Romans 12:18}<P>"If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other." {Gal 5:15}<P>(Keep in mind that I preach to myself here also)<P>Shalom!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Thank you for your posts! I would appreciate more opinions. I don't know how well we are doing. Doesn't seem to be very good at all right now! I just don't know where to start or if there is even anything to start! Don't think H wants to go any further than where we are now. Thanks for your encouragement!

I'm on the second page and now it will be normal spacing again, yippie!!!!!!<P>Hey you kids, you are doing the right things... you are here, BOTH OF YOU, trying to get this marriage back on track. You are talking, communicating, you are ending it with your OP's (have you both done that yet?) and you obviously DO love each other.<P>Take it slow (except for the getting rid of OP's, do that fast )... and slowly begin to build trust... and meet those important EN's... do you know what each other's needs are???<P>You two are doing better than you realize...

I too want to thank you all for your posts. As for the OP I did break things off but we were still talking up tell the time that I told her I was going to the beach at the same time as the X and kids. I told her I was sorry but I was doing it regardless what she thinks. She didnt like that.<BR>As for us being on the right track I would hope that we are but it dont seem as either of us know what tracks we want to be on yet. We both go through so much not knowing what we want. I know that I never wanted to hurt Beth like I did and I am sure she never wanted to hurt me. I think the question is, can we put the hurt behind without tearing eachother apart first. We have both had the pain and I dont think either one of us wants to put the other through more pain but we cant guarantee that we wont.

Just wanted everyone to know that Just_me and I have just returned from a week at the beach. She and I have much to work through, but we have decided to give it a try. I am so happy to tell all of you that she and I are working at being husband and wife one more time. Nov will make for 13 years of marriage and Dec will make for us being together for 16 years. I will try to keep you all informed on how things are going. And by the way a guy here at work asked me today how I was able to work things out with seeing my kids more. This is what I told him. You and your X may have problems and not really be able to talk to one another but if you can get pass that and place a smile on your face it will go a long way. not only with the X but with the kids as well. I was hurtting when I talked to Beth because of the things she was doing and it would cause me to say somehting that would cause her to say something, so on and so on. I told myself one day that I would not let her see me be anything but happy and with a smile. it was hard but it helped her and I start talking and even more it helped the kids begane to trust me again. Thanks again to all of you

Hello all,<P>First I just want to say that I found this board when our marriage was first falling apart. This site is just wonderful. Whether I posted or not, I did a lot of reading here, and it has only helped me to find strength and courage. Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. It is nice to know that you are not the only one going through this kind of mess. I never realized that this happens to most people some time or another until I came here.<P>An update: Rob and I are doing better! He has ended his relationship with OW. She is the one who will not accept things and continues to call and visit him. Very hard for me, but am managing (any advise?). I ended relationship with OM. Tomorrow will be a week since we said goodbye to each other. I intend to keep it that way! He has not bothered me, and I don't believe that he will. Even though it has only been a week, every day seems to be much better.<P>I love my H, and I will do my best to work things out. We still live apart, but are talking more and spending time together as a couple and also with the kids. Lots to work though, but I am optimistic! We are going to church together in the morning, and also are going to get counseling from our preacher. I know that without God involved, we could not succeed! Husband has been living in our home. Kids and I have been living about 20 minutes away with my sister. OM lives two doors down from husband (This is very difficult on both of our parts, any advise on what to do?) I find it difficult to feel free to go to our home because OM always seems to be around or watching. Very awkward situation. OW moved about 5 miles away to be close to my husband. This is also awkward, but she supposably is moving in a couple of weeks when her lease is up. Hopefully very far away!<P>So much to get past, so much to heal from, but the love just doesn't seem to go away, as much as we both have tried to make it disappear! I will post later to let you all know where we are. Thank you all so much again! This site has been a blessing! Remember "All things are possible with God". I just know that God's way works, ours doesn't, ours can't. We must follow Him wherever He leads us, whatever storm comes along, whatever hurt we must endure, all will be worth it! I recently read the book of "Job" again, and it offers me some understanding and encouragement. Thanks again!<P>My favorite verse: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of a sound mind." God bless you all!<P>Beth<BR>

I'm glad to read this news. Good luck ... keep us posted, we love to hear the success stories!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>