After reading many of these posts I noticed no one has mentioned the issue of sexual abuse. How many of these people who are having problems with sex in a relationship have had a history (or a significant incident) of sexual abuse in thier past? My wife and I have been together for fifteen years and I would consider us soul mates in every aspect of our lives except one. SEX! My wifes father molested her from a very young age till puberty. She has a very strong personality and an overachiver. We make a very good team and have a lot of the same values except when it comes to sex. I on the other hand have never had a bad sexual experience so I have a hard time understanding the thought process of why she is so guarded about sex. We have spent many years in counseling but the counselers tip toe around the sexual issues. Although she says she likes sex her actions (or lack of) speeks volumns. I would like to hear from those who have had simular situations especially if you have a "success story". I need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

fff<BR>I am sorry that I cannot offer any light at the end of the tunnel. My husband seems????? to enjoy sex when it happens but has not initiated on his own for many many months now. I sometimes think it is because of something in his past. I think he was coddled by his adoptive mom while she completely ignored his dad. I got that info from an elderly member of his family. I also think he has issues of not connecting Sex with the woman he loves. Sounds weird to me but I have read that that sometimes happenes in men. Anyway I COMPLETELY understand you saying that counselors tip toe around the issue. I guess we have not been going to Sex counselors just marriage couselors. I am trying to find out if there is a difference.

There have been a few studies lately that show that going to therapy for childhood abuse only reduces the sex drive even more.<P>My own view .... people with these problems will often embrace the problems and use them to thier advantage when it suits their needs. I may be just a simple idiot (no doubt some of you will call me that) but if they want to get over it, they can put it behind them. My wife uses her excuse as a crutch to get what she wants ... which is no sex. She's uncomfortable even seeing a sexy movie. Didn't use to be that way. Therapy hasn't helped one bit.<P>This has left me feeling that I couldn't get laid if my life depended on it! So I guess now I have a hang up.

Didi, We have looked for sex conselers but could not find one within a hundred miles from our home. I think they must have given up practice to write books. But anyway we do have sex together but it has some abnormal twists to it. We can have the physical aspect of sex but its as if we cant have any excitmet about it. Any thing that turns you on or makes you aroused is generally discounted or ridiculed. Our frequency has improved but its still on the edge of satisfiying a need. I know my wife loves me and we are making slow progress but I think it would improve faster if we could find professional help. There may also be some denile of the problem on her part. Because she doesnt have the same need for it, its not a problem for her. I tryed to get her to read His/Her Needs but she clamed it was gender bias. All I cn do is try to encourage her and sit and wait.

FFF-<P>From my experience with sexual abuse, I can say yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But your wife has to reach for it. <P>I was molested at age seven by my older cousin but that didn't stop there. My stepfather joined the "loop" when I was 11. Years later while in my 20's I was raped. Of course, I still have my share of emotional problems but after my mother found out (about the molestation and the rape)and accused me of "liking it", I found the strength to stand and I was determined that I was not going to let them destroy me.<P>Now, don't claim to be "over it" by no means. I have in the past "freaked out" when someone touched me while I was sleeping (that was when most of the abuse occurred). Sometimes at night when my husband does just put his arm around me, I jump up. Once he told me that he put his arm around my waist while I was sleeping and I swung on him.<P>Honestly, I believe that the abuse has raised my libido. I am very physical because that's all I've ever known. Sometimes I feel that because my husband doesn't touch me that he doesn't love me or want me. Whether that is true or not remains to be seen. What I'm trying to say here is that I have overcome the abuse to a certain extent but that is something that I had to fight and pray for, for a very long time. The struggle is fierce sometimes not to lock myself in the closet or jump off the Verazano-Narrows bridge. The dispair is heart wrenching and the memories are haunting. Your wife will never forget what has happened to her. I know that I won't and no matter how many counselor's she goes to (I have never been to a counselor) it has to be something that she has to decide to conquer. I made the mistake of trying to kill myself, alienate myself from men and forget the past. None of those things works. It wasn't until I decided to get better that I did. <P>It still hurts and it still haunts me in my dreams (not as much as it used to). I still wake up sometimes in the middle of the night frightened but when I look around and see that it is not really happening, I look at my husband and say a prayer for strength and I go back to sleep.<P>Talk to her and calm her fears. Let her know that you are there for her. If she really has the determination, she can overcome this. The battle is by no means easy, but it can be won.<P>

I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was young, and mentally/emotionally abandoned/abused by my parents. I don't claim that it doesn't affect my relationships, because it does to an extent. But unless someone is having real problems (constantly reliving or thinking about it) or going through therapy which causes the same thing, I don't feel that it DIRECTLY affects a sexual relationship.<P>I can tell you this.... because of my childhood experiences, I find it very difficult to trust people. I had never had a problem with sex, until my marriage started falling apart and I lost all trust in my husband due to his emotional/verbal abuse of me. I tend to be more conservative about sex than some people, but I had always enjoyed it, and was willing to experiment some. The problem for most survivors is the trust issue. If there is a trust problem, most survivors cannot continue a physical relationship normally. And, I can also tell you, once lost, that trust is next to impossible to recover. I still haven't.<P>The only advice I can give you is to NEVER give your wife reason to not have COMPLETE trust in you. And if you have violated her trust, then in counseling, see what you can do to regain it. While the physical can certainly be a problem, most often it is because of relationship issues. Good Luck!

Princess, My wife used to jump when i touched her while she slept also. This dissapated over time over time but it took many many years. She too says she likes sex but I can count on one hand the times she wanted sex over the last year that she genuinely wanted it. Too often she will have sex with me because she knows how frusterated I will get after a couple of weeks. When her molestation came to light we couldnt even talk about sex with out arguing. For many years afterward the rejection rate was close to being intolerable. I have never had a fear of sex so this was very hard for me to understand. The counseling we recieved helped with the trust issues and instilled the roles we played as husband and wife but sex issues were very much left untouched. This added to my fusteration because before her molestation background surfaced we had a very fulfilling sex life. We have made progress in the last couple of years (after we stopped going to counselors). But we still have a long ways to go.<P>Meghann, The trust issues are something I have worked on very hard. One of my biggest obsticals in making headway in our sex life is the lack of recognizing its a problem. Fullfilling sex and commitments I feel are essential in long term relationships. We are both here for the long haul. I just hope we can resolve it while we are both still young enough to enjoy it. Thanks for your post.

FFF - I don't want to beat a dead horse, but something you said in your last post rang true with me. You said she will very often have sex with you because she knows you are frustrated, not because she wants it. May I please make a suggestion? Okay, I will anyway...<P>Sit down with her sometime soon and talk about this. She may not want to, but tell her you want to be a safe person for her, and not be threatening, and that you need her help to do this. Get her to promise you that from now on she will only have sex with you when she wants to, and tell her that you do NOT consider her responsible for alleviating your frustration. Tell her you love her and you NEVER want her doing ANYTHING that makes her uncomfortable. Ask her what kinds of physical affection are comfortable for her, and if she would be more at ease if you told her or asked her before you touched her in one of the ways comfortable for her. With many of us, it is an issue of boundaries and permissions.<P>I hate to use the horse analogy again, but you have to ease into this the same way as if you are breaking a horse to saddle. You want to give her good feelings to associate with physical closeness. Ask her permission if she prefers, and then just hold her and let her get used to the physical affection, then progress from there, all the time asking her if she is comfortable with it. If she isn't, go back one step.<P>It seems like a lot of trouble, but I hear in your post that you and your wife really love each other. I believe that survivors have as much, perhaps more, capacity to love and be loved as other people, but it is locked behind years of pain and learning to dis-trust everyone. I think you will find it worth the time and effort if you and she can work together to unlock that part of her. I wish you the best.

DRAT---DRAT---AND DRAT SOME MORE FOR THOSE DOUBLE POSTINGS!<p>[This message has been edited by Princess (edited 04-01-99).]

AMEN, AMEN, AMEN! Meghann, I couldn't have said it better myself. <P>FFF- Meghann is right. Take it slow with her and reassure her that you truly love her and sex is not the only reason you want to be with her. I used to just have sex with men because they wanted it and it does make you feel like a useless piece of meat. I used to say well, maybe that's all I'm good at so that's why they want to be with me. Sometimes I was right, sometimes wrong. <BR>Before we were married, my husband was told by a mutual friend about my history with abuse. He did everything he could do to make me feel safe around him. This is what really got me hooked, he never touched me before we were married (he doesn't now but that's a different story). <P>He made me feel that sex wasn't the only thing he wanted me for. Talk about WOW!!! My mind was blown. He actually likes ME?! Not just my body?! WOW!!!!! I felt secure, I felt loved, I felt special....WOW!<P>Sorry. (ramble mode-OFF)<P>Be patient and understanding go the extra mile for her. Let her know that you didn't just marry her for her body and in time (yes, time) things will be better than they were before. <P>Keep striving and I'll keep praying.<P>

Meghann/Princess, My wife knows knows I love her for her mind. I have said it at least a thousand times that with her brains and my braun we make a very good team. Physical attraction will only get someones attention. After that relationships require mental simulation. (And not just sex). When I was single the girls I dated all fit in three catigories. There were the "klingons". (Women that wanted me to take care of them). The party broads. (Pardon the expression) (Women that just wanted to go out and have fun). And the ones that just wanted to come over and have sex. None of these women were appealing to me for any lenght of time. My wife didnt fit into any of these catigories. We truly enjoyed being around each other. It didnt matter if we went out with friends or stayed in and watched tv. She kept her own house so she didnt need me for a place to live. We didnt spend time together just to have fun. She would come over to help me with things I needed to do. And although the sex was good it wasnt the focal point of us being together. Now we still enjoy each others company and get along toghther like two peas in a pod. Everything is great except sex. I have tried to find out more about what she likes and all I have to work with is "back rubs". After fifteen years how many different kinds of back rubs can I possably come up with? Before her molestation surfaced it never was this way. It was more spontainious and carefree. I have never pushed her or guilted her to do something she didnt want to do. I have a basic rule about sex. "Never force someone into haveing sex. The years of baggage is not worth the moments of pleasure". I have tried to talk to her about this many times. I truly believe she stuffs her feeling about sex inside so she doesnt know herself what she likes. Its late and I have to go. I'v enjoyed both of your posts. If you have any other thoughts or ideas please dont hesitate. Getting some of this off my chest helps.<P>P.S. Princess please dont pray for me. The last time some one did that I almost died in the hospital. lol.