<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>

Couldn't you go to?<P>You could go visit some old friends or something during the day while he's at the conference, and then at night the two of you could go off and do some reminiscing of your own, together. And the two of you could drive together. Let the OW fend for her own in travel and entertainment.<P>But I guess you'd have to somehow get in contact with your H in order to make the arrangements.<P>======<P>But there are some other things that I am concerned about. Are you skirting the line a little too closely at work when it comes to keeping an eye on your H and this woman? Are you getting into things that aren't appropriate? Is it affecting your work?<P>There's generally policies about married couples and even dating couples working together, etc. What are your company's policies? Can you talk to a supervisor about the problems....maybe see about one of them getting discretely transferred to a non-travel position or another office?<P>The other thing that comes to mind is that maybe you should begin looking for a better-paying job with another company. A change in environment might do you some good. That way the issue isn't staring you in the face day in and day out. Maybe if you didn't know exactly what was going on with your H's work you'd be more interested in hearing about his problems and what all is going on with the people you used to work with?<P>~Amy

Nooo waay could I tell a supervisor anything. They are huge contributors to the problem. MAJOR stress from work, he keeps getting denied promotions & its like being run by the mafia here.<P>The training is marked on the calendar- who will be out on assignment & where. I ate lunch down that hallway since he was out & it was pouring rain outside & I saw the board. I have tried for other jobs but been unsuccessful. In most private companies, I'd start from scratch with no benefits for the 1st 6 months. I have worked here longer & earn more leave time etc.<P>I cant go with him. We sleep, eat, drive apart, barely speak 2 words except for formalities. He remains distant from me & will not allow me get close to him. Keeps up that wall & rejects small subtle attempts. I dont want it to be like this, but he is very much confused & I'm sure that stupid woman is interfering & playing games with his head. His thoughts depend on who he has talked to that day! I want to trust him but next weeks trip is consuming me. <p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 08, 2001).]

XX<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 11, 2001).]

Are you really good at what you do professionally? A job change - within the company or without might be good for you.<P>From the sounds of things, you are seriously obsessing about this but who would blame you. So much of your life is being threatened. So, first of all, you need to find a way to calm down - somehow. Otherwise your work performance will go down the tube.<P>I would recommend counseling for both of you. I liken a sick marriage to a sick automobile. You take it to the shop for them to work on it. But the mechanic must have parts that work before he can make the car work. In the same way the counselor must have parts (people) that function properly before s/he can fix the car (marriage).<P>And if you can't get h to go, go and work on yourself. And sometimes the changes in us can give our spouses reason to see us in a new light.<P>Do you have a spiritual life? I know that on many occaisions, my walk with God has been what kept me going.

clg,<P>You're driving yourself nuts over this man!<P>Maybe he's acting like he doesn't care, or just plain doesn't want to be around you, because he IS aware that you are so desperate to be with him?<P>I've posted the advice given by Martin Luther in the 16th century --- things to do to relieve depression and anxiety:<BR>- read the bible<BR>- pray<BR>- socialize with anybody<BR>- music (especially making music and dancing)<BR>- 'earthy' work (like gardening or physically demanding work)<P>I found that I was doing these things already, before I ever read about it.<P>This past weekend I put the radio on the porch, had my sister over to the house, and we pulled weeds and laid new grass on the lawn. Was sunburn and tired and didn't much care about anything that evening except cooling down and getting some sleep.<P>So --- go find a public park, take your music and walk a mile or so.....or jog, run, bike, whatever. Call up one of your girlfriends and go with her and the kids to the park.....you and she can talk while the kids play (works for miniature golf, pizza places and that sort of thing too). Go to a concert or play (not a movie). Sign up for a class at your local community college. Join a gym, and go. Call up Habitat for Humanity and volunteer....or some other group.<P>Do that list of things that has been sitting in your mind and has never gotten done.<P>Do something for yourself!!!!<P>Go to a spa. Browse antique stores or a flea market. Hike on a nature trail. Go to a coffee shop, watch the people and make up stories about them for your own amusement. Change the burned out light bulb (hold it, that one is on my list). <P>Ask your friends if they need help with anything. Volunteer to babysit so that they can have a night out. <P>Fill up your schedule. Wear yourself out. You can do whatever you want to do. You don't have to has his permission. You don't have to wait around for him to call. If he does call and your gone --- fine. Make him wonder what you're up to. <P>Go out and have yourself as much fun as you can find. Spoil yourself --- you deserve it!<P>~Amy<BR>

Yes, I am obsessing. I do well for a day or so & then something happens - he says or does something or I notice something & voila!- Anxiety Attack again. <P>My work performance is zilch. I'm trying to get by, but my duties dont have high priority in the big picture. I dont have a "professional" job. (no Bachelors degree). Just clerical. I go to college part time in the PM but its summer break now. (Thank goodness, I thought I was going to flunk finals a few weeks ago, but I got B grades). <P>I am frozen when it comes to thinking or doing for myself. I can't think! I only have 2 girlfriends & they dont drive. They are in the feeding times/ naps/ diaper changing stages & getting them to go out is hard. I can visit them at home, but they dont want to talk about my problem when their H's are home because we are all friends. Its all very awkward. So mostly I find myself having to do anything totally alone. I do go to the gym, but that has its own long history involving a woman from work.<P>My family /even inlaws are all deceased. I am an only child. So to me, losing my husband or this marriage would like a parent dying. I could not bear the grief. <P>I dont feel anything for mass anymore. It seems superficial. I dont know how to pray anymore. I talk to God in my own words but its mostly a desperate request to save our marriage & to be shown what I should say/do in order to help as best I can. But I guess I dont recognize the signs. The words in a bible dont really give me solace (Sorry!) <BR>I dont want to fight with H anymore. I have not cursed back at him etc. I dont want to be vengeful or selfish etc. I want to be pure of heart again!<P>I was starting the yard work for a few days. But its been pouring rain for ~3 weeks now. Im burned out of the bookstore- relationship /psych books. If I look at hobby books I get depressed that he wont share it with me anymore! I dont know who I am anymore or for what purpose I'm even here.<P>I stongly doubt he'd ever go to counseling. At first he said no way, wasnt telling his problems to anyone. A while ago he seemed more open to the idea, but complained it cost too much. But I know I would face the real blocker when it comes to beaurocratic paperwork & confidentiality. He thinks the whole world is out to get him. <P>My H comments "its too late" when I have said we could work it out somehow & agree on things, or that I dont want him to move out. (I would feel I lost him forever if that happens). But I think he is confused. I wish all these people (Her & the guy getting nasty divorce) would totally BUTT OUT! Then he might be able to think for himself. <P>Its at night sleeping in our room by myself that I cant stay in control & cry myself to sleep with lonliness. I dont want anyone else. I want my husband back! He doesnt even sleep in the other room anymore, just in the family room on the floor in front of the tv. He cant stand silence! <P>SO there you have it. Im just a doggone basket case. Maybe I'll repaint our kitchen next week. That would shock him. He likely thinks I couldnt do it on my own. We even fought when painting. He thinks I use the wrong method or dont go fast enough & then says I dont help him!! I chose the wrong color (he agreed with color then didnt like it once done.) Ha, I should do that!!<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 11, 2001).]

cantletgo,<P>"I was raised catholic, but havent gone to mass in yrs." Hummm, how about returning? Have you ever tried to hand this over to your higher power and I mean REALLY tried? <P>I too am an only child, it can be a lonely world without parents or siblings. My mother always told me to have a wealth of friends, they would be the brothers and sisters I didn't have. You know what, she was right. <P>Feed your spirit and attend a mass or visit with a priest!<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers!<P>Ragamuffin<P>

((((((((((((CLG))))))))))))<P>I think painting sounds like a great idea. In fact I am in the midst of a project myself. I'm painting my S room. I just finished stripping the wallpaper and begin the taping today. I'm doing the Ralph Lauren Denim thing.<P>I still think you need a dog!!!! <P>Take Care.

Could use a hug. My H has not even touched my hand for ~ 6 wks now. I am starved for affection. I am just squeezing the stuffing out of an old toy I dug out & sleep with.<P>My day just goes more downhill. Have my own politics at work. they push problems under the rug & treat clerical support like dirt. I am being moved to a different desk I used to have which sucks. Out in the middle of a hall. AARRGH! No walls, no privacy, nothing, I have to hear everyones conversations & radios etc & can't talk on the phone without the whole world listening. <P>I just cant take anymore! I need the support of my Husband!! But he's not there for me right now either. Heck, he's not there for himself! But I dont want to push & make him run. He was rejected for ANOTHER job!! Its the Mafia in this place, I tell ya! This makes it 5 or 6 times. I think deep down at this point he just wants to run away from everything and everybody including me & try again somewhere else, even overseas (heritage). I just wish he would ask me to go with him, instead of putting me n the category of "them" whom he curses & blames, who have mistreated him.!!. <P>He has been talking more to another guy who is going to that meeting next week. Good, hopefully they become friends!! He talked to another guy about being angry. I told him not to trust that guy & today I overhead that guy talking about my H to someone else!!<P>Please pray for us. That my husband will stop putting up this wall & come back to me.That we will be reunited in this marriage & provide comfort & nurting for each other!!<P>I dread this weekend. I cant stand anymore isolation! I need to focus on a plan for painting!! And I would like a dog. Maybe I'll buy that animatronic one some day. But funds are low right now. I need hugs to get thru this weekend. <P>I want to quit this job but cant affort to be without one, especially now.<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 11, 2001).]

clg,<P>You've admitted that your productivity is in the hole --- maybe that's why you're being moved.<P>You won't talk to anyone about the problems that this OW is creating between your H and yourself....and how it's affecting your work.<P>You've been to a few visits with a counselor.....but nothing serious, and I don't hear anything about meds.<P>And you've got an excuse for just about everything!<P><BR>CLG -- For your own sake, you have GOT TO focus on yourself!!!<P>Everything you've said focuses on OTHER people. Family, friends, husband, work.<P>What about you???<P>You want to redo the kitchen? DO IT.<BR>It bothers you to sleep in the bedroom? Change rooms. Or redecorate the bedroom (that's what I did). Rearrange the furniture.<P>Have your friends over for a BBQ. The kids could play together (as much as kids in diapers do). Get their Hs to help you with the furniture. Then turn on some music and dance.<P>Ooooo ---- dance lessons? I know some of the clubs around here have dance lessons on Sunday afternoons. Some of the jr. colleges too.<P>Heck --- I even went roller skating! Started painting my nails, cut my hair short, and interviewed just today for a new job!<P>You've got to be doing something if you are going to meet new people and make new friends. Sitting around in your house doing the same ol thang and talking with the same ol people ain't gonna do the trick.<P><BR>You say you are in NE Kansas --- I'm looking to see what is around Topeka:<P>This is off of Topeka's Chamber of Commerce's website about volunteering:<P>Civic Organization List: Available through the Chamber of Commerce office, this list gives a contact person and number for over 200 civic groups from the Topeka Audubon Society to the Washburn Walkers. E-mail us at topekainfo@topekachamber.org, or drop by the Chamber office, 120 SE 6th, Suite 110. <P>Volunteer Center of Topeka: The Volunteer Center acts as a referral service for individuals wishing to volunteer in the community. Call 785-272-8890. <P><BR>Get out and DO something. I know you probably aren't in Topeka, but contact your local CoC and they should be able to help you find something.<P>Tired of the bookstore? Volunteer at your local library. There's more books there too.<P><BR>Quit worrying about others and take care of yourself.<P>You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.<P>If it's to be, it's up to me.<P>Oh no, now I'm hearing Whitney Houston --- "I found the greatest love of all inside of me."<P>I alone am responsible for the decisions I make.<P>There are many things I can do and enjoy that I have not yet discovered.<P>I will treat myself as someone special.<P>My future begins now.<P>"When we blame, we give away our power." -- Greg Anderson<P>"Responsible choice involves consequences, not the least of which are relinquishments all along our way" -- Marsha Sinetar<P>"Between stimulus and response, one has freedom to choose"--Stephen Covey<P>"No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit."--Hellen Keller.<P>"Live out of your imagination, not your history."--Stephen Covey.<P>"Changes are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation." -- Gail Sheehy<P>Anyone else have any sayings?<P>~Amy<P>

Sweetie,<P>Have you considered that you might be depressed? I mean clinically depressed? A visit to the doc's office sounds like it might be in order... talk to her (or him, the doctor) and share how you're feeling... you have so many symptoms of depression, and a simple little pill might just help you over the hump so that you can concentrate and focus on healing from this. It's not a forever cure, just a help over the hump that is your life right now... okay?<P>((((((((((cantletgo))))))))))<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Another saying?<P>Courage is not the lack of fear, it is fear plus action!<P>GREAT post Amy!!! I'll keep that list for one of my down days, I know there will be more in life. <P>Ragamuffin

cantletgo,<P>You have been given some wonderful advice and many choices to pick from of things to do for you. Now, Just go do it!!!<BR>Something, anything, go get an icecream or milkshake even, Just do it!!<P>Praying is nothing more then speaking with God in your own words just remember to ask that "His will be done" and then step back and let the Lord handle it for you. Sounds pretty easy, I know. The hardest part is letting go. Just do it!!!<P>Just do it!! Become a better you!! You deserve it!! Just do it!!

Cantletgo;<BR>Sweetheart, can I just tell you : YOU ARE NOT ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD. I have a lovely anxiety/depression combination- full-on anxiety, panic, paranoia, overwhelming sadness and fear, and there is nothing like the loneliness of A)thinking you're crazy B)believing that you just might die from fear/stress/sorrow and C)you're without comfort from a single soul on the planet. Personally, my anxiety stimulus is my relationship and its corresponding issues; nothing sets me off like a fight with the husband, a long period of feeling neglected or some action of his that threatens the precarious emotional balance we're currently maintaining. It sounds as though you may be doing the same. I too have very few friends, my family lives on the East coast (we live on the west) and I find it hard to really articulate my problems to the people I can talk to about my life.<P>People have offered some very good ideas for distracting yourself and feeding your OWN soul, but I felt that I should add, as someone who's (most likely) right there with you: Get counseling. ASAP. Through your health insurance, a referral from your family doctor, through your local women's network (most cities have the equivalent of a 'Women's Mental Health Network', either through a community center or in the phonebook), ask around and see if any friends have a decent counselor or post an ad @ the grocery store: 'Psychologist Wanted: Will Trade for Yardwork/Babysitting/Dogwalking' (you never know!). <P>I can't stress strongly enough how important it is to see someone, talk to someone, find out that no, you're NOT certifiable, you just feel that way. Anxiety and depression do not cure themselves. I repeat: this is NOT something you can think/pray/meditate yourself out of. Those things help, wonderfully so, but you have to spill some of that toxic fear and sadness you've got built up to someone who knows how to deal with it, before you can start looking at yourself, by yourself. If that makes any sense. At the very least, you'll feel a little safer and maybe bolstered a bit, by venting your spleen to an impartial third party.<P>Please know that someone on the planet has been right exactly where you are. It really can get better.<BR>best,<BR>m

Maybe: Thats exactly how I feel. I had 3 free sessions with a counselor thru a lifeline referral at work. I do plan on that guy referring me to someone for longer term. But I had to find out what my ins. would pay 1st & I do want to ensure the utmost confidentiality!!<P>Husband very emotionally upset over the weekend. I just hope I can show him he can rely on me again for support. And that infatuation never lasts & real love is deep in the heart, that I love the whole person, faults & all!<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 11, 2001).]