Saw a lawyer today regarding legal separation. That was really hard, since I didn't want to be there.<P>The problems lie with a residency. I'll be relocating before divorce is through so therefore she recommended waiting to file until I know where I'll be. If I want to file for a legal separation, I need to speak with my husband and decide what the details will be. <P>Since I'm not the one who wants the separation or the divorce, I think my husband should be doing all the work.<P>Here lies my questions. I want to tell my husband that since my residency is uncertain, he should be the one to find a lawyer and do the filing. But I also want to tell him that he needs to be totally sure that this is what he wants to do since it is very complicated, expensive and painful. I've been encouraging him to seek help for his depression (which is causing most of the problems) and think it would be good for him to talk things over with a counselor in order to help him understand if he is doing the right thing or if he is responding to the depression.<P>I'm not that good with words and would like any advice how to word this without putting more putting more stress on a stressful situation

fishlady,<P>Wait a minute ---- <P>What, or even who, is the cause of your H's depression?<P>Before seeing any couselor, he should go to a regular Dr. and get checked to see if there is any medical reason for the depression. Depression can signal a serious medical problem, thyroid problems, elevated cortisol levels, and even tumors. There are a number of things which should be checked, especially if there's been other changes too.<P>So, get him in to see a regular Dr. first. When you make the appt., tell the nurse what it is for and ask them to schedule extra time so that you'll have time to talk to the Dr. You may personally want to talk to the Dr. ahead of time so that you can tell him about things that your H may be hesitant to discuss or denies.<P>If the tests come out OK, you'll then have an ally and professional on your side referring your H to a psychologist or psychiatrist.<P><BR>My stbxH blamed my depression as the problem. What I'm learning is that my depression was actually a reaction to his behavior.<P>I've been quite resentful of him (from my view) abandoning me when I was sick. I was already seeing a Dr. for the depression, but he never made any effort to get involved with my treatment nor tell me that what we were doing wasn't working. He claims he did --- I never heard it. I figure that he was complaining to his buddies and never actually saying a word to me.<P>If a person is suffering from something where they physically cannot help themselves, you don't 'tell' them to go see a Dr. You make sure that they get there! <P>Depression isn't a situation of the person not doing something because the just don't want to do it. They really and truly can't do it. It doesn't involve motivation, it doesn't involve willpower. A person who is depressed can have all the desire in the world to do something, but for some inexplicable reason, they can't do it.<P>I know. I've been there.<BR>It's being at the bottom of deep and narrow well -- the walls black and slick, the bottom full of muck that pulls at you and makes every little move you make involve a tremendous amount of effort. You cry for help, but no one hears you. <P>Yet --- people 'say' that they are right there to help you.....and you can never see them or hear them. People say that they are reaching out to you, throwing a rope down the well, but you've never seen a rope reach the bottom of the well.<P>Your H needs you. He needs you to do what he cannot. <P>This divorce has been so painful and so expensive. I don't want to see another couple go through this when I know that there are Drs. and medicines out there to help with the depression and that there are groups like the people here at MarriageBuilders and counselors who can help to solve the problems and keep marriages together.<P>You may want to talk to a Dr. or an attorney about what your legal rights may be in attempting to get your H some help.<P>~Amy

Amy,<P>Thanks for the reply. I appreciate hearing from someone who has been there, and am sorry that you had do endure such a hurtful experience.<P>I'm not sure what caused the depression. We were recently married and undergoing some major life decisions. I think he is also feeling guilty that I would be making a major sacrifice for him in order for him to return to school. Although I am at peace with this and have told him so.<P>At my encouraging, my husband saw an MD and was put on antidepressants. However, the Dr. didn't refer him to anyone else, and my husband is refusing to go by my advice. Unfortunately, my husband is no longer in the same city as that doctor and I don't know if he is going to continue on medication.<P>We are separated now by 1500 miles and I feel horrible. Horrible that things are so bad, and helpless that I can't be there for him. Unfortunately, this is the way he wanted it and didn't give me much choice. I know his thinking is blurred right now, but I didn't know what else to do.<P>I have thought about moving to him, but I'm afraid that will make things worse. After all, what if he really doesn't love me?<P>If you or anyone else has any suggestions I would be really appreciative.<P>Thanks again,<BR>Kathy

Kathy,<P>I went back and read your other postings.<P>You really are in a tight spot.<P>I'm tempted to agree with your friend --- show up unannounced on his doorstep, roses in hand, and profess your love for him.<P>But what if he slams the door in your face?<P>How much does it mean to you? <BR>What risks are you willing to take?<BR>What risks can you $afford$ to take?<P>Have you read about Plans A & B?<P>Other thing --- I'm in TX.<BR>Where is your H? <P><BR>You said that you and he had a long-distance relationship. Well, you are apart again. Are there any things that you did during your longdistance relationship that you could revive for this situation?<P><BR>You've got a tough problem here. Anti-deps aren't simply a 'here take this' type of thing. What works for one person may not work for another, same with dosages. I had an anti-dep prescribed by my Dr. too before I ever went to a counselor ---- it didn't work at all. It actually made the situation worse because I was disappointed and frustrated by it not working. And it made getting into a good Dr. just that much more difficult. Side effects are the other problem. He may simply stop taking the med. if he doesn't like the side effects. Again, they vary from person to person.<P>Currently I'm on a medication called Effexor. The only big side effect I've noticed is a dry mouth. Also, I can drink alcohol, as long as I don't overdo it. But I've noticed that I'm more sensitive to it than before.<P>From what I've read, it sounds like your heart is a long way from throwing in the towel. And maybe a strong Plan A could have helped while he was still in town. <P>But my insides are telling me that we've got to get you back with your H if you're going to have any chance of coaxing him into getting help. Otherwise he'll just keep running.<P>However, only you'd know if romantically appearing on his doorstep would work. Otherwise, this'll have to be taken slowly.<P>~Amy

Amy,<BR> <BR> My husband just moved to Austin. We were both supposed to go, and I've done a lot of research about it. It seems like a great city to live in.<BR> <BR> I'm afraid to show up on his doorstep. I love him deeply but am afraid of having the door slam in my face. While we were saying our goodbyes, I told him I loved him and all he said was that he knew.<P> In the beginning of our relationship, he and I would basically talk for hours on the phone, send each other e-mails and occasionally chat on-line. Usually when I had time off from school, I would fly up to see him. <P> His side effects didn't seem too bad from what he told me. He was nauseous in the beginning but that went away. He did contine to drink while on them, and he said that he could definately feel a difference. Also, he had some sexual side affects that he wound up blaming on himself instead of the medication. Even after knowing it was very common on that type of drug.<P> Knowing from your experience, would you suggest giving him time to be alone? Or would you want someone to have pushed a little further. I'm scared he will wind up hating me for pushing him, especially if I'm wrong and he is not depressed but just didn't want to be with me.<P> I can't wait to start my counseling. My mind is making me useless right now.<P> Thanks again for your help. I do truly appreciate it.<P> Kathy<BR> p.s. Where are you in TX? Hopefully not with all those floods right now.

Kathy,<P>Austin is nice. It's growing pretty fast. You could live in the outer burbs and not run into him without too much trouble.<P>I'm am down around the floods. Had the water up over the sidewalks on Tues. night. In fact, it just started raining again. But we really need the rain. We've had droughts for the past several years and this is allowing us to play catch up. Since the storm and feeder bands are moving around, we're getting waves of rain and then some time for the ground to soak it in before the next wave. It's actually pretty good....except for the flooding.<P><BR>Sounds definite that the side effects are effecting his self-esteem. Drinking is self medicating. I read somewhere that if you crave sweets or alcohol, then the dosage isn't high enough ---- not exactly scientific. But I do know that if I'm stressed, then I want sweets. Caffeine is another no-no.<P>I had to change medications several times....and I changed Drs. too. Austin should have some really good Drs. there. (In fact, my wonderful dentist just moved to Austin to open up his own practice. <pout> )<P>I know what you're feeling about the door slam idea, wanting to just show up, and him 'knowing' that you love him. That's a lot like my situation. And I've been too chicken to act upon it.<P>I really wish my H would have pushed. Heck, I wish he would have paid any attention to me.<P><BR>Why don't you just let it all lay for a while? You really don't want the divorce. His life is in enough upheaval right now with the move and starting school. You don't think he'll be filing for divorce since he doesn't have the money.<P>Clearly he needs to get into treatment. <P>Let me think. I'm trying to find the website about the psychs. in TX.<P>~Amy

Amy,<BR> Hope you're enjoying the much needed rain and staying dry at the same time.<P> I never heard that about the craving alcohol and sweets thing with the med. dosage. Interesting. <P> My friend, the one who is encouraging me to move to my husband, is very much an optimist. She says that even if you take the chance and he rejects you, at least you know that you gave it your best shot. The worst they can say is no. But they can always say yes. Just know that, yes it is scary, and yes it is probably the hardest thing to do, but in the end it will be worth it. Either it turns out the way you want it or if it doesn't, then you will become a stronger person. She makes a lot of sense, and I always feel better and more confident after talking to her. I'm just not sure I'm feeling that way because it is what I want to hear.<P> As for me laying low, I'm not sure. I've thought about just giving him time, but I know his pressure with school is just going to get worse. Right now, he is assisting in a lab for the next few months, then he starts classes and still has to work/teach 40 hours a week. So you see, the best time would be this summer.<P> My family will think i'm crazy for wanting to do this. Same goes for most of my friends. I'm not sure it is the right thing to do, but then again I don't want to lose my husband forever. I wonder how far most people would go for the person they love.<P> I have so many doubts about whether me moving there would scare him to death. Would he think I'm crazy and that I need the help? What if he really doesn't love me? Or that he isn't actually depressed, just that he hated living with me?<BR> <BR> I don't really believe that he isn't depressed, nor do I believe that he never loved me. It is so easy to fill your head with scenarios of how things are and what will happen.<BR>I really don't have anything to lose at this point, except some moving money and maybe some pride. But I would have so much to gain.<P> My friend gives me goals to accomplish before the next time I talk with her. I'm supposed to call her tonight and the goals are to look up jobs/apartments in the outlying area, prefarbly San Antonio as I will try to work in Sea World (my degree is in marine biology, so living in central TX is not the most opportune location). I am also to write a letter to my husband telling him my that i'm going to fight for our marriage and that I'm committed to him. How exactly I word this? I have no idea. I'm also supposed to call/e-mail all my friends and family to ask for support in my endeavor. This is also very difficult since i'm scared to death right now. I sometimes feel like i'm playing a game, and that it isn't real. But it is, and I need to decide how far i'm willing to go. In my past, I have always had a lot of guts, but this time it is terryfing.<P> As for you, what is holding you back from contacting your husband? I don't know how to look at other people's old posts, otherwise i'd look up your story. <P> Thanks for letting me vent. Take care.<BR> Kathy