I have been reading posts from this site for a few weeks now and have learned so much and truly felt support even without participating in the conversation. However, I need a source for more direct answers and support so I've decided to join in the discussion. A little background 1st:<BR>Age 34 Married to husband, age 34 in 1989. Known him since 1984. My parents divorced in 1983, his are still married. We have 2 children, ages 5(boy) and 10(girl). Husband left home in March saying very little but "I;m not happy". He is very depressed and has been for about a year. I didn't even know he was upset about marriage because whenever I asked, he would reply I just don't feel good. I did notice he quit doing things that he enjoyed and he became more irritable. I am a people pleaser and I have let him have his way since I've known him. I try to provide a great lifestyle for him and I take care of everything. I pay the bills, I handle all church activities, school functions, sporting events, etc. He only has to cut the grass and take off the trash. I even let him keep almost half his paycheck everyweek as "his" to avoid conflict. Looking back I see my faults and I acknowledge my behavior is also to blame for our growing apart. My job is important to me and 3 years ago required that I travel every other week for 5 weeks. I just recently found out that this bothered him even though he never said anything before. That is the major problem we have. He will not talk about working on our marriage. He just says he doesn't love me, and he can't help the way he feels. He blames me for his depression and even though I got him to go to the doctor and get on antidepressant, he only took it 2 weeks and quit. He will not help himself. Swears it is not OW and I may be a fool but I believe him. I have my doubts but he moved in with his mom and dad and says I'm wasting my time worrying over OW. He says he can't get along with one he has why would he want another? <P>My question to this group is how long do I hold out for him to get help for his depression and for him to start talking to me about marriage. Until last week, we talk everyday but not about anything serious, if I say something, I get the ol' reliable "I don't know" response or total silence. Sometimes I am furious but deep down I still love him. He has refused counseling. I know I can't fix this alone but is it ok just to give up and move on with my life since he is unwilling to try to work things out? I don't know what to do. So far, I haven't done anything to protect myself such as changing the locks, cancelling credit cards, cell phones etc? I don't want to send him a signal that I've given up but I think he needs to know that there are serious consequences to his actions. When is it ok to get tough? I would love to see my marriage work but he just doesn't care. Any advice will be appreciated. THanks and I look forward to "talking" with you guys.

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I know that when my H and I were having problems he would ask those same things. And since we had trouble communicating there was a lot of silence and 'I don't know's'. What I asked him to was to ask specific questions.<P>Instead of...what's wrong..<BR>say...you look sad/mad/upset <BR>or you give the topic<BR>or i'm here if you want to talk.<P>Once he sees that you are going to be open and not hurt him maybe he will open up. Also let there be silence. I've learned that H will talk when I don't carry the conversation. Make sure you also find an appropriate time and place for your deep conversations.<P>Good Luck<P>

I need to be quick here:<P>The depression...two weeks is not even close to being an adequate trial of an antidepressant...probably stopped becuz of some side effect he didn't like. If he took a particular SSRI drug there is one effect that some guys don't like and he may not tell you. There are other antidepressants out there to try...and they do not all have the same effect profile. Get him to go to his Dr again.<P>On red flag and quitting: It's been three months. Can you tell yourself that you've done everything you possibly could to make the marriage work? Have you been the person you shoud be? Will write more later.<P>dd<P>

the exact thing happened to me. My husband did the same thing to me 4 months ago-exept he also took my 2 small children with him. I got them back after that weekend, but i had no idea he was going to leave me. he says there is no OW, but I have found evidence and the wholew town is telling me about them. Can we talk to each other and get through this-perhaps e-mail one another? sounds like we have the exact same story. write me back. thanks.

Thanks for the replies. I haven't had a minute to write again until now and it after 11pm. One of the most encouraging things I have found on this forum is people who truly understand what I'm going thru. As a said before, I may be a fool for beleiving him but I really don't think it is someone else. At first that was all that made sense and he has done a few suspicious things( moved out of Mom's 2 weeks ago and will not tell anyone including his family where he is living) I think it is because he couldn't afford a nice place and he doesn't want to hear " You gave up your family and all you had at home for this dump" I can't think of anyone who is supportive of what he is doing to me and our children. He came by this morning to cut the grass(we have 4 acres and I just can't do it alone). I asked him if divorce was what he truly wanted. I got no straight answer but he did say he "thinks" that's what we are looking at. I just don't get it. He left but since then has made no attempt to work out financial arrangements, get a lawyer, set a visitation schedule etc. Deep down I don't think this is what he wants. I think his depression is making him feel that the situation is hopeless and that he will never be capable of loving me again. I hate to be so blunt because I am mostly to blame for his immaturity but my husband is a spoiled brat who does not want to be inconvienced by anything. This was his weekend to have the kids but he showed up this morning saying he has to work 7 days a week now due to a possible strike by the union at his new job. I had plans to work today too in order to catch up on work that I haven't been able to do because daughter had basketball camp this week and I didn't get to work til 9 each day, and of course, I had to leave right at 5 to pick up kids from daycare. I never have any time for myself anymore. I miss having my husband to talk to. He was never much of a talker but he would pretend to listen. Well guess which one of us had the kids today. I did of course. I told him that it just wasn't fair that he never made sacrifices for me or the kids needs. Our daughter is 10 and he has never missed one day of work to help with a sick child, go to a musical program the kids did at church, handle a doctors appointment, etc. I'm sick of having to do all the sacrificing. I know all single parents feel this way too from time to time but I think it is time my husband got a big dose of reality. Even though he still won't give me a definite answer about what he wants to happen in our future, I have come to the conclusion that his actions are speaking louder than words and he has made no attempts of anykind to work on things. Therefore, I am proceeding with a plan to protect myself financially such as cancelling credit cards, removing his name from bank accounts,etc. I told him this AM that this was not what I wanted. I want to make an attempt to work things out. However, I am only doing what I have been forced to do by his actions. As much as I hate to admit it, my husband has left me and the kids and has no plans to ever come back. Up to now, he hasn't pulled his weight financially. It will actually cost him more to be separated than the amount he put towards bills when he was home. This secret of where he is living is so annoying. I have told him he can't have the kids alone until he lets me know where he is staying. I guess I can do that. It's not fair that he can take them somewhere and that I have no idea where they are or how to get in touch with them. He doesn't even have a phone yet. <P>As usual, I'm getting long winded. I just wanted to say thanks for the replies and that I really appreciate the advice and opportunity to share my experiences with you all.<P>I hope I will not send him the wrong signals by cutting him off from us. I don't like doing mean things to people. I've always been the one who gives and gives and does whatever it takes to make him happy. Now I'm going to be seen as a total "B***h" I am afraid that he will never want to come back if I turn cold towards him. One the otherhand, I'm sick of him getting the easy street. No responsibilities of anykind. I wish he was getting help for his depression but I asked again today and he is not taking the Prozac. He only went to the doc the first time to shut me up but since he has not attempted to do what the doc prescribed or make a followup visit, I have to assume he doesn't want to feel better. I still love the man I married very much but I can't find him in this depressed man who calls himself my husband today. If he won't get help himself and I can't force him too, is it ok for me to accept that he is incapable of being my husband at this time and just move on?????<P>What happens if I give up and shut off my feelings for him and then he decided to get help for the depression? Should I proceed towards divorce or just wait and see.....? <P>Will getting my own lawyer and having him served with separtation papers make me look bad to the courts??? I want it to be clear that divorce is not what I want. It is what I'm being forced to do because my husband has given up and will not try to work things out. Maybe it is someone else, what is the best way to find out? A private eye is so expensive. I know it having an answer would provide me some peace of mind, but does it make a difference in the divorce proceedings??? I'm sorry I'm so stupid about these things but I went from being happily married for 12 years to being separated without having a fight or seeing it coming. <P>Thanks again for taking your time to help me. I've read His Need/Her Needs and plan to get more material to read soon.<P>Take care!