Today I got a restraining order to keep my STBX away from me, our home, and our business. It all began last August my H suddenly became extremely verbally abusive after reading my old journals and becoming obsessively jealous of an old boyfriend, from 20+ years ago, who I'd written about in my journal. This went on for 4 months and then, after Thanksgiving he suddenly moved out and moved in with a 21 year old employee of ours (less than 1/2 my age but more than twice as big as me) who's also married and has a 4 y.o. daughter. My H is 48. <P>My H is an addict-alcoholic who was sober for almost 10 years. I suspected drug and alcohol use, but he angrily denied it, blaming me for never loving him enough. I discovered MB and started in counselling with Steve H. My H even joined me in a few sessions. Then in February, I discovered that my H was using the corporate account to pay his rent and utilities, buy a car, furnish a house, and buy clothes and presents for the OW. I went to a corporate attorney and got my H removed from the board of directors so that I could remove his names from the checking accounts. <P>Soon after this, he moved back home, insisting that the money had nothing to do with it since he'd discovered he could live with nothing (other than the corporate checkbook!). We went on a cruise, at Steve H's suggestion, but soon he began staying away and not answering his pager or his cell phone and the verbal abuse returned. He guilt tripped me for a month and a half until I finally put him back on the checking accts, and the next day he told me that he doesn't even like me, I disgust him, and I should leave. After all the abuse, I'd finally had it, so I took some clothes and went to stay with friends. The next day, I had to return home to drive the kids (teenagers) to school and to various appointments. I called the house about 8 pm and my H hadn't returned home to make dinner, so I went to the store and bought them some stuff to eat. I realized this arrangement wouldn't work and that night my H snuck the OW into our bedroom. I made plans to rent a small furnished cabin at a nearby lake so the kids could stay with me. That night my H threw a party for his 20 y.o. son and invited the OW. He got drunk and got into a fight with the kids and ended up throwing them out of the house. We moved into the cabin the next day. <P>We were there for a week and a half until we got to come back to the house today. Only the OW was here when we arrived with police escort. She was very huffy about being evicted from my house. My H never came home. We noticed immediately that the house was trashed - beer cans, bottles and cartons everywhere you looked, rotting meat in the sink, mess everywhere. While cleaning up we discovered quite a bit of drug paraphenalia and then found pot plants and finally a bag of "crank" and syringes. <P>The police came back and collected all the evidence. I've also discovered numerous porn videos, sex toys, and explicit web sites bookmarked on the computer, among other things. My lawyer came to our business and talked to the staff about the situation and about starting drug testing and a zero tolerance policy toward drugs at work. My H has gotten high with a few employees, bought drugs from employees, and protected the jobs of employees who are actively using drugs.<P>All in all this has been a pretty horrible day. I know my H thinks that my actions are vindictive, but I went through his alcohol and drug addiction and getting clean and sober before, and that is what I wish for him again. He has hurt so many people including all the members of his family, our employees, and our clients. Despite everything I still care about him, which seems crazy after all he's put me through. I'm hoping things will get easier as time goes on. Maybe some "old timers" can tell me what to expect...

(((((((((((LetsTry))))))))))))<P>Welcome. Sorry to see yet another person join us.<P>There are a lot of great people here.<P>Expect the coaster ride to continue.<P>Wish I had something better to say but wanted to let you know that someone is reading. <P><BR>

Hiya, welcome to our little corner of MBs. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here though!<P>It sounds like you and I have a few things in common...like filing on our alcoholic WS spouses. There's quite a crowd of us over here it seems.<P>Maybe we need to start a Marriage Builder's Al-Anon group! <P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

LetSTry,<P>Hi! I think I remember you from another forum! Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you are over here, but I wanted to give you a big old hug {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LetSTry}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} and reassure you that you are doing the right thing. You hear that? YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!<P>I know that your HEAD knows you are doing the right thing, but you keep wondering if you could have done something...well, You are doing the right thing. You need to protect yourself, your home and your business, and right now your STBXs choices are what are messing him up--not you. You have tried and tried, and over and over again he has chosen his addiction of choice. <P>It's hard to hear, I know, and even harder to really believe in your heart, but YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. <P>I vote "yes" on BrambleRose's idea that we start an MB Al-Anon group. But first we have to admit that our relationships have gotten out of control... Haha <P>Hey! A little addiction humor! Give me a break! So, LetSTry, write when you gotta and we will be here!!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thank you all for your replies.<P>HopelessinAZ, I'm dreading the rollercoaster ride. The worst part is that I always grab at the "ups" even though I know in my heart they're always followed by "downs."<P>BrambleRose, I like the idea of an MB AlAnon group. It makes sense that there would be others here with alcoholic and/or addict WSs since it's pretty impossible to save a marriage when serious addiction is involved. BTW, was everything all your fault too?<P>FaithfulWife, Thanks for the hug, I need it. I used to post on GC and even for a while on Recovery after my H came back home briefly. I do know in my head that I am doing the right thing, and yes, I do keep wondering if I could have done something. I really tried almost everything but it was all still my fault for not accepting him the way he is, for judging him and shaming him. <P>Thank you for saying the same thing over and over. I have a good support system of people who all keep telling me the same thing and yet I keep doubting myself.<P>Update: Tonight was my niece's high school graduation. My H showed up with his girlfriend and left a present for my niece with his dad. His parents have never seen the OW before. Although I have a restraining order I guess he thought that it was ok to sit across the auditorium from me. I picked up my cell phone to call a friend and the 2 of them jumped up and ran out the side door. I live in a small town and by the time I got home, I heard they was staying at a certain motel and that the back of the company truck he's driving was full of camping gear. I guess they're worried about being arrested for the drugs and paraphenalia.<P>He wrote my niece a card with his gift. She tore it up and wrote him a short note back saying,"thanks but no thanks" because he's already destroyed any father-daughter relationship they ever had. She put the note in with the present and left it with his pile of bagged and boxed up belongings.<P>He has no idea how much damage he's doing to everyone with whom he comes in contact...

I'm really hurting. I obsess about the A much more than I did even when H left for 4 months from Dec thru March. I think the reason is because I didn't really feel jealous of their sexual relationship before because OW is very overweight with a butch haircut and not attractive, even though she's 28 years younger than me, and my H said it wasn't about sex. But after the 2 weeks in which they took over our house, there was a huge purple dildo suctioned to our shower wall, numerous explicit sex sites bookmarked on the computer, new videocam programs installed - I guess so they could, or maybe did, contribute their own pictures - and numerous X-rated videos in the bedroom. <P>Like some men feel about penis size, I really feel sexually inadequate because I'm not turned on by this stuff as OW apparently is. I'm looking for intimacy and connection, along with a good energetic good time of course, but not the impersonal sex my H has been interested in since the A. Yes, he tried to interest me in this stuff when he came home but I was less than enthusiastic about letting him watch another man have sex with me or having sex with 3 men at one time. The OW, generously offered the information to the kids that my H prefers her because she lets him have anal sex with her (she used other words) and I don't (hemorrhoids, to be blunt, sorry).<P>Can someone tell me that this is going to get better?...please?

Well, it IS going to get better. <P>Alright, I'll stop joking...it is going to get better. Because slowly you will start to accept that it is HIS problem, not you, that caused this marriage to break up. Slowly you will begin to see that you are a smart, interesting, funny, faithful, compassionate, loving person that people are LUCKY to know and be with. Gradually, you will remember how to laugh and feel joy, and you might even start to enjoy yourself. <P>You know, you can not control what he does, and he is acting like a jerk right now. You can't stop him. But YOU--you can change yourself. You can learn from your mistakes, and grow, and become a GREAT person. It takes a little longer to really accept it within yourself, though, that even though everyone has room to grow, you did not "make" this happen. It has been more than a year for me, and there are STILL days when I feel like, "if I had done this or that..., it might have been different." <P>So, it will get better, and you will just have to believe me. It would help it he wasn't being such a jerk and flaunting it in your face, but...what can you do? <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LetSTry}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

FaithfulWife, Thanks again for the hug. What's your story? As my topic says, I'm new to this forum (and too preoccupied right now to do a search). Even Steve H says I should have no regrets because I did everything I possibly could. I have the support of virtually all of our employees, my friends and family and even most of his family and friends. So, why do I still doubt myself? <P>I'm afraid I'm boring because I'm not young and don't like to "party," that I'm bad in bed, that, without realizing it, I'm really judgemental and controlling, etc., etc.<P>I'm waiting right now for my H and the sheriffs to come back so he can get his stuff, which I've got all packed up for him, and to show me how to do electronic billing for our business. He also has to give me the company truck and in exchange he will get his final paycheck. <P>My heart is pounding, I'm sweating, and my hands are shaking.