Here's my story - any advice - please throw it at me - I'll take whatever I can get.<P>I'm 36, married with no children. My affair is with a MM, 32 with 2 children (2 and 4). We've both been married 8 years and this is new to us - never been unfaithful before.<P>Met 1 yr ago and it started out innocent enough - just sex. Of course over time we became attached to each other and discovered what we think is the person we were always looking (or not looking) for. The sex is great, we get along perfectly and have very similar backgrounds.<P>The problem is we have now fallen in love and the emotional turmoil of this is killing us. We've tried ending it several times and did well for several months but we always end up recontacting each other (I think mainly because we both know that the other will not say "no").<P>We both feel we are not in love with our spouses anymore and weren't when we met. We have discussed divorcing and getting together. I feel a hugh amount of guilt because children are involved and they would be the main reason we do not pursue the relationship.<P>The last time I broke it off I said "Let's stop killing ourselves by doing this. If we both end of single we can then date and get to know each other better". We both spent time thinking about things and I think the bottom line is we are both afraid of the heartache of going through a divorce - when we start thinking about it, it becomes overwhelming.<P>I'm considering ending this relationship once again but feel I'll be losing out on something wonderful - maybe I'm living in a fantasy world, I don't know.<P>O.K. - throw it at me please.

Boy are you ever in Fantasyland...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Met 1 yr ago and it started out innocent enough - just sex. Of course over time we became attached to each other and discovered what we think is the person we were always looking (or not looking) for. The sex is great, we get along perfectly and have very similar backgrounds.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Not exactly innocent IMHO. If you are living the "real deal" you both would have divorced and gotten together later. Your relationship with the OM is based on lies and deceit...not exactly a great way to begin a wonderful life together. Wouldn't you agree??<P>Break it off. Tell your H. Sorry to be blunt.<P>dd <P>

Thanks for the advice - and being blunt is what I need so no need to apologize.<P>One question - why should I tell my H - wouldn't that just make things worse. I guess I'm not sure what the value would be.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rosestar:<BR><B><BR>...Met 1 yr ago and it started out innocent enough - just sex.... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That comment really struck me. Is that really how you feel about it?<P>Do you have any interest in saving your marriage? Does he? You are experiencing the fog of a new, exciting and satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, you appear to still be married to someone you promised to love, honor & cherish til death parts you. Or words to that effect.<P>If you take a look at what induced you to seek out an extramarital relationship, you'll be taking a look at something you will in all likelihood feel about this new one, at some point...<P>Be honest with yourself & your husband. Besides if this guy would cheat on his wife with you, what makes you believe he won't cheat on you with somebody else down the road? Why should he believe the same about you?<P>Tough questions, but something you ought to think about. How about possibly exposing your husband to a life threatening STD?<P>I don't know your reason for straying, but you have a lot to ponder...<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited June 07, 2001).]

rosestar,<P>There is nothing innocent about your A. Just having sex with a married man is not an innocent act.<P>I just scrolled down and saw a couple of new posts so I won't beat a dead horse so to speak.<P>About telling your H. Read Harley's article on Honesty.

Nick is right about<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Besides if this guy would cheat on his wife with you, what makes you believe he won't cheat on you with somebody else<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR>I've actually heard that happens quite frequently. <P>Why tell your H? You can make an informed decision on which way you want to go. If you don't tell your H, he cannot make that same informed decision. And he has the right to be able to make that informed decision.<P>Read as much as you can on the website. Start at the General Concepts page.<P>dd

Well, that's right it did start out as just sex. My H has not been interested in sex for almost 6 years. I want it weekly - he can live without for months at a time - no medical problems - just low sex drive. I think it has alot to do with his job (very stressful).<BR>Anyway, back to the other - yes, I know why it happened for me, I was just tired of not getting my needs met and one night out after drinks (same story for most folks) and I end up with this guy.<BR>I guess I'm not sexually attracted to my H anymore either - not sure if I ever was - but I'm sure it has alot to do with his lack of desire and me feeling unwanted - I think that's key words here "feeling unwanted".<P>The OM told me I made him feel good about himself again also. I know we were both lacking intimacy and that's why we ended up together.<BR>I'm not trying to justify my actions - I know it's wrong.

Rosestar,<P>are you willing to divorce your current WITHOUT your affairee? suppose he goes back to his wife, more highly probable than not with kids.<P>The affair just shows your lack of personal resolve to be honest and truthful with your H, with yourself. Without kids, divorcing your H if your needs aren't met, and YOU HAVE EARNED YOUR RIGHT TO DIVORCE, is fine with me. however, an affair is not an honest and acceptable reason to divorce.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When I asked people what opened the path to free-flowing sexuality for them, the most frequent word they mentioned was trust - trust in oneself and one's partner. Trusting ourself means knowing we will voice our desires, define what we want, and have the will power to leave a situation that isn't right. We trust our partner to be caring, responsive, nonjudgemental, willing to talk, and above all, to respect us whether we say yes or no. . . . . . . . . <BR>For most people, however, its best to first connect psychologically and spiritually and be intentional about initiating sex. Because sexuality creates a powerful epinephrine high, its incredibly easy to get entranced with the biological feelings and lose perspective on the relationship.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>From "If the Buddha Dated" by Charlotte Kasl, PhD

rosestar,<P>"the emotional turmoil of this is killing us" <P>Guess what? <P>The emotional turmoil will go from bad spiraling to forever worse! Getting "together" will not make it better. Don't you wonder if he is doing this to his wife, wouldn't he do the same to you? Vise/versa.<P>"Just sex" is NOT innocent! If it is "just sex" then why is lack of it such a big issue in your marriage?<P>If for nothing else, think of his children, they are only babies, now that is INNOCENT!<P>Ragamuffin

O.K. everyone - you've convinced me and I told him our affair was over - mainly because of his children. I felt is was the right thing to do after reading post and getting replies here.<P>I told him that if it were mean to be that it would and that we could only see each other again if we were both single.<P>He said he loved me and agreed it was the right thing to do. Now we both have to be strong enough to stick to our agreement so if you've got any advice on how to do that, please tell me.

rosestar,<P>"you've convinced me and I told him our affair was over"<P>WELL DONE, I'm sure it wasn't easy.<BR> <BR>"so if you've got any advice on how to do that, please tell me."<P>With the third party out of the picture, turn all of the energy that you put into the affair into your marriage. Turn over every rock. Read all you can on this website. <P>Withdrawl of the affair is something you need to be prepared to deal with too. None of this hard work is fun, will make you feel good or give you satisfaction "immidately".<P>I wish you the best! Coming here to post could not have been easy for you either but you will gain so much support and knowledge by a diverse group of people. Keep us posted!<P>Ragamuffin<P><p>[This message has been edited by Ragamuffin (edited June 07, 2001).]

Oh boy, I can relate to so many parts of this.<P>My children were 4 and 2 when their father left because he had met someone and he thought he had a chance at happiness. And he wasn't interested in sex. <P>My children are now 8 and 10. Next month he will be gone 6 years. The younger child sees his counselor every week. The older one sees hers every 3 weeks. My children will grow up and have very little memory of their parents living together.<P>I spent 18 months going to SAnon which is like AlAnon only for people with family members who have some form of sexual addiction. I would recommend you consider SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) of SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). You can reach the international headquarters of SA at 615-331-6230. They can help you find the closest group.<P>And I would recommend counseling. You seem to want to end the affair - as I feel you should, but the decision is all yours - and you have tried unsuccessfully before. I feel it will be hard for you to do this without some assistance. For referrals you might try your minister or ask some friends who have mentioned their counselors. You don't have to give a lot of information. Your medical doctor might have some recommendations or your company's EAP might be able to make a referral.<P>The more reading you do, the better informed you will be. So I also recommend you start reading some of the books you see discussed here.