Well it looks like it's over.... she filed in January of 2000 and I received the papers to sign yesterday. I had hoped that thier affair would die off by now but it doesn't look even close to that. Two families blown apart, 3 kids lives affected for the rest of their lives and two spouses that could not do anything about it.... All for 2 peoples selfishness... er.... true love.... <BR>And I can't seem to get past the anger and bitterness. Anyone have any suggestions????? I really want to move on but I will live with constant reminders from here on it seems like. I am very mad... not really sure at who though... I think I am mad at myself most....

(((((mkn))))))<P>I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm filing myself, next week. Not because I wanted it to be this way, but because it just went this way. Still, cried and cried after talking to WH and he finally agreed to do it. <P>Don't be angry at yourself. All you did was love and try. Selfishness hurts so many people, doesn't it? And they (the self-involved) have no idea. Some of them never will. <P>Peace and prayers,<P>Snow

mkn,<P>Hey, I think I remember you from some of the other forums! Sorry that you're ending up here; I really had hopes that it would work out for you. Anyway, just to give you my story in a nutshell, my H left me in Feb. 2000, tried to move back home from June to October, and then moved in with the OW from November to January. Somehow, during the month of January, something "clicked" in his head and he realized what he had done, and we decided to reconcile in Feb. 2001--and now we are in recovery.<P>I know a lot of people SEEM to "get over it" and "get on with their lives" and all, but I for one am also having trouble getting past it. On the one hand, I had one year of sheer hell and pain, and it's natural that it will take some time to get over that. Also, for the time that we were married, he was verbally abusive and cheated nine times (I just found this out), so it is natural that it will take some time to get over that too! <P>But I also feel a little like I will never quite be myself again. Before all this happened, I was faithful (hence my name) and I believed that I was special and loved by my spouse. Now, I don't mean to "punish" him for his actions or choices, but inside myself, I just feel like I do not EVER want to trust anyone again--including myself! My judgement was SO CLOUDED! I try very hard to stay focused on the present and the future, but the past has just wiped me out and it seems like I will never recover from it.<P>So, I struggle with the resentment and the past too, and what I do that helps me (doesn't "fix" it, just helps) is that I do look just at today. The past is there, and it affects how I am today, but I try to tell myself, "How was today? How was my day today? How did he behave toward me today?" I can never, ever, ever, ever, ever change the past, so wallowing around in it will do no good--and coming from my background, I have the best excuse ever to wallow in my past (I was beaten and sexually abused as a child and young teen). AND I can not guarantee that he will be around tomorrow or that we'll still be married tomorrow. For crying out loud, he could be "at it" with someone else even as we speak and I can't stop him. But what I CAN do and what I CAN control is how I am, how I feel, and what I do TODAY! I can be the person that I know I should be. I can do the things that I know I should do. I can affect my feelings. I can decide what I will and will not do to protect myself and my heart. All the rest is "unchangeable".<P>Another thing I am doing that I am not very good at is learning how to forgive--not forgive and forget, but forgive. Unfortunately, my natural tendency is toward and Unforgiving Spirit, and I hold onto things forever. But I am stubbornly learning that if I do NOT forgive, then that person and their bad behavior have power over me--I'm letting them still have power and sway over the way I behave and the way I feel. I HAVE TO let it go in order to let myself be in control of myself again. <P>I have one thought for you to ponder. Is it conceivable that you have held onto some of your anger and bitterness and resentment, because right now it is the only way to keep your ex-wife as a force in your life? Is it possible that you want to be able to "blame" the anger and bitterness for poor choices you are making now? In a way, as long as you remain angry and resentful, she still has power in your life. Also, is it possible that you have never found an appropriate way to express your anger and resentment, and that it has been bottled up all this time? Have you ever let it out? Are you afraid that if you let it out, it will be too much and you will be out of control with rage?<P>Just a few things to ponder. You'll be in my prayers!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I understand where you are comming from, same thing here. You have a right to be angry and you are allowed to be angry. when the anger finally came for me, i faced it and dealt with it in a constructive way, the anger helped me to move forward and focus on getting my own life together. Let it come, but don't take it out on anyone, use it for the betterment of yourself.<P>