Quite a few of my friends and family members can't understand why, after what I have been put through this past year and a half, I haven't totally written off my XH. They wonder why and how I can still be so kind and see the good in him. Well, I just do. And for whatever reason, I have never stopped caring for him. <P>Even though the divorce was finalized, I even started dating (dating did help with my very battered self-esteem), I still had a place in my heart for XH. <P>We are talking about getting back together. He even said that he'd want to go to counciling together!!!!!!!! I really feel that he is sincere about this. He realizes what I was to him, what we were together, and what a grave mistake he made. I am very happy about the possibility of "us" again, and am willing to do what it takes.<P>Not that I should care necessarily what others think, but already I am getting flack. I have always cared what others think (one of my problems), and this is from people I care a great deal about and are a big part of my life. How do I get them to understand that I am not jumping irrationally into something, and that I am doing this with a clear head. Basically, I want them to respect my decision. Also, my family, who saw me at a point where I just didn't want to go on anymore, let's just say they don't really care about ever seeing my XH ever again.<P>Do you think in time, if it does work out between he & I, that they will come around? I love my family a great deal and would want them in "our" life. Don't get me wrong, I'm very independent of my family. It would be difficult if I couldn't bring him "in" to share in those special moments that happen in families.<P>My XH and I are in the EARLY stages of reconciliation and I am probably getting ahead of myself. It is just one the many issues that will come up! <P>Thank you!<BR>Petrie<BR>was rejected and now wanted!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>Do you think in time, if it does work out between he & I, that they will come around? I love my family a great deal and would want them in "our" life.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not in your shoes, and probably never will be, but one thing I've always felt was that in the past year and half, if my H had wanted to reconcile, I would have INSISTED that my family find it in their hearts to give him and us a second chance. <P>To hold their tongues, to give him a second chance and to understand that I (or you, in this case) am well aware of the faults, betrayal, etc. that happened. I would want them to be aware UP FRONT that some things are worth fighting for and that as family, as a loving family, they should understand this. <P>I think my family would react the same as yours. However, I think you and he need to <B>stand together</B>, not be afraid to talk about it with them (at least minimally) and be totally up front. <P>In other words, not only give HIM a second chance, give YOU BOTH a second chance, with open arms. You aren't standing with them to see how he'll do; you are standing with HIM and waiting to see how they'll react. (You might need to hold you tongue with them as well....maybe find a non-family member to confide in during the reconcilation.)<P>Just my 2 cents. God bless...<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

Well, if I were in your situation, my parents would be in support of it! Oh yes, they would want to see a miraculous change in him -- it would take that for him to take responsibility for his actions. But my parents have always been for us getting back together.<P>They did not want me to divorce him at all. They did not want me to do anything in the legal realm. But just to be separated and wait.... wait.... wait... to see what God would do. Well, I had to do what I believed God wanted me to do despite my parents' feelings and so he was served divorce papers -- today in fact. Although we have been separated... again by my initiative... for almost six weeks.<P>I think if he has really changed, then your family will see and believe it! You really should listen to their counsel -- although you are the one who must live with the consequences so it is your decision. When we love, we sometimes forget too soon, and they need to be held accountable -- to EARN our trust again. We want to believe they have changed, and we don't want to look critically at them. But if we don't want to, we should still listen to those who love us. They don't want us hurt again.<P>When I was younger, my dad always had the guy ask him before we went out on a date. Could your xh convince your dad that he was worth a second chance? Or a good male friend -- role model type of guy, you know? I told my stbx to call my dad when he was really ready to work things out. If he can get past my dad, then he really has changed and decided to stop blaming me for his bad choices. If I am not worth the trouble... then has he changed?<P>I admit I am blinded by his words... he talks a good talk. But he would not be as quickly able to convince another man, especially my dad. I am a grown woman but I MAKE MISTAKES. <P>Of course, if you are going to go to counseling, then this is helped even if your family would not support the beginning. I think they will come around, but it will take awhile for them to trust him with you again.

Rejected:<P><BR>I was on aa embarrassing rant.<P>dd<P>[This message has been edited by dumbdumb (edited June 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by dumbdumb (edited June 08, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NoraP:<BR><B>I think if he has really changed, then your family will see and believe it! You really should listen to their counsel -- although you are the one who must live with the consequences so it is your decision. When we love, we sometimes forget too soon, and they need to be held accountable -- to EARN our trust again. We want to believe they have changed, and we don't want to look critically at them. But if we don't want to, we should still listen to those who love us. They don't want us hurt again.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good suggestion, NoraP. I think it would be best to find a balance between what I suggested and what you suggested. <P>You're right....sometimes we hear what we want to hear. Yet, I also feel that IF there was a real, heart-change, that it's important to STAND together as a couple. That doesn't mean, however, that we disregard or refuse to listen to our families counsel.<P>Both are important.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

Thanks to you all for your advise!<P>many many more questions will be coming your way!!!!!!<P>Petrie <P>

REJECTED, <P>You give hope!! I have not let my heart harden either. I did not tell my parents about our problems and still haven't told our best friends as I didn't want them to look down on him for what he chose to do. My parents are very supportive of me and that I must make my own choices for myself and my kids, and they will be there in support.<P>You do give hope, I know that there is a reason that I don't say mean and hurtful things to him or about him, and just try a support him as he is going through this fog.<P>Best of luck to you!!!

REJECTED, I don't know your story, but I understand your feelings. I am in the process of filing for divorce. My H is using drugs and alcohol, as well as living with OW, which is threatening our mutually owned business. His A was very public since the OW is a former employee. His drug and alcohol use is also pretty public at this point. I had hidden our problems from my family, who live across the country, so that if we did indeed reconcile, their feelings would not become an obstacle. But since I am filing for divorce, I felt I had to tell them. <P>Everyone in my life was supportive of reconciliation when he came home for a month and a half, but now things have changed significantly. Because of the substance abuse, he has put me through he##. I hate that I still want him back so badly. <P>I know that only time will tell if my feelings will wane or he will get sober, whether he'll choose to make a new life with OW (she's 27 years younger than him and they've talked a lot about moving away and having babies) or want to reconcile with me. <P>I agree with NoraP's advice since I know it's true for me that "when we love, we sometimes forget too soon, and they need to be held accountable -- to EARN our trust again. We want to believe they have changed, and we don't want to look<BR>critically at them. But if we don't want to, we should still listen to those who love us. They don't want us hurt again." <BR>This is exactly how I am. But, it sounds like your XH is making an effort by agreeing to go to counseling. If you're anything like me and if you've been through anything close to what I've been through, I'd have to suggest that you TAKE IT SLOW and that you keep closely in touch with those who love you and really want what's best for you. If reconciliation with your XH is best, they'll recognize it in time. <P>Good luck. I really hope it works out for you, both with your XH and with your family.

Best of luck on your path. I hope my wife will soon feel the same. <P>Listen to people but listen to yourself last...<BR>JC<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>Quite a few of my friends and family members can't understand why, after what I have been put through this past year and a half, I haven't totally written off my XH. They wonder why and how I can still be so kind and see the good in him. Well, I just do. And for whatever reason, I have never stopped caring for him. <P>Even though the divorce was finalized, I even started dating (dating did help with my very battered self-esteem), I still had a place in my heart for XH. <P>We are talking about getting back together. He even said that he'd want to go to counciling together!!!!!!!! I really feel that he is sincere about this. He realizes what I was to him, what we were together, and what a grave mistake he made. I am very happy about the possibility of "us" again, and am willing to do what it takes.<P>Not that I should care necessarily what others think, but already I am getting flack. I have always cared what others think (one of my problems), and this is from people I care a great deal about and are a big part of my life. How do I get them to understand that I am not jumping irrationally into something, and that I am doing this with a clear head. Basically, I want them to respect my decision. Also, my family, who saw me at a point where I just didn't want to go on anymore, let's just say they don't really care about ever seeing my XH ever again.<P>Do you think in time, if it does work out between he & I, that they will come around? I love my family a great deal and would want them in "our" life. Don't get me wrong, I'm very independent of my family. It would be difficult if I couldn't bring him "in" to share in those special moments that happen in families.<P>My XH and I are in the EARLY stages of reconciliation and I am probably getting ahead of myself. It is just one the many issues that will come up! <P>Thank you!<BR>Petrie<BR>was rejected and now wanted!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>