I was a WS it’s been 4 mths now since no contact with OW. As shown from my previous posting, although I am with my family now I am still emotionally attached to OW. One of the supporting reasons why I have been able to maintain no-contact is because OW is thousands of miles away. There hasn’t been much recovery if any in M in last 4 mths, I’m just going through the motions and trying to sort out my feelings. W is perhaps frustrated with my lack of contribution to M and wants us to move back to where I was previously posted abroad to start a new. She knew I was happy there and thinks new place, new challenges faced together would help. However I feel the complete opposite. This would mean me having to live in the same city with OW, there were too many memories of us there which was one of the reason I asked for a transfer back. Due to the nature of work I am doing abroad I would be home a lot this means I would see her more than I need to for now. She will have no friends, family and hence will be more needy of me and I would be obligated to fill her time up. I think this is what she wants.<P>It’s a beautiful city in Europe, perhaps she wants the life I shared with OW before. She isn’t too bothered to uproot the kids (6 & 9) who will have to move to a foreign town, new school & new friends etc. We already have enough pressure on us to begin with, why does she need to add up more. It is too risky and will end up making me feel more trapped than I am already. I think it’s a bad idea but a part of me wants to go back there too obviously for different reasons that’s why I have not been particularly argumentative or annoyed at her request. What do you guys think? Especially those who have read my other posts since you might be familiar with my situation. Thanks .<BR>

How much does your wife know about your relationship with the OW?<BR>

Kind of like putting the fox in charge of the hen house, don't you think? No contact means not even getting yourself into a situation where it could possibly happen. It's a bad move in my book.<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>I am woman...hear me roar...okay - meow...okay - purr? Hey, I'm working on it.

Gnome, W doesn't know just how deep the relationship was with GF. She doesn't want to really know about the affair. When i first asked for the divorce we talked a great deal, but mostly about our relationship for the last 5 years. She feels that it was because of her neglect for me that i had an A and now that she realises that and wants to give her all i would be ok. She insists that i love her. She never asked me in great detail about the affair. For the 2 years while I was seeing my GF, W was living in another country. When i go back, things were normally cold and empty.I told her i met someone who i wanted to spend my life with. She asked a few things about GF and that was it. She thinks like most men its was only a PA and nothing else. She too once, earlier on in the M, had a short fling with someone she met at a party. Maybe that's why. She discounted the fact that i had GF/GFs there anyway. She says she can and wants me to forget everything thats happen and return like when we just got married. She doesn't want to talk about the A much. Right now it's as if she's acting as if nothing ever happened. I can't do that. She thinks we'll have a better and comfortable life abroad. I do love living there but the memories, people knew me and GF as a couple, I don't know. I think it's a bad idea too.

I would suggest NOT moving back to where memories of affair will be more prominant; it is shooting recovery in the foot.<P>4 months of "going thru the motions" is not unusual...you have to get to a certain point of healing from the loss of the affair before recovery of marraige has much of a chance. Don't be discouraged, but don't undermine it!!!<P>And, tell your wife honestly why it would be hard for you to go back there...she needs to understand your feelings, but at the same time do reassure her that you are committed to trying to recover the marriage.<P>Also, do spend more time together. I know it is hard at first (understatement), but start dating your wife & doing more stuff together. It does help.<P>Kathi

Yes, painforever, I'm afraid Kathi's right. If you don't tell your wife at least enough for her to understand the emotional ramifications of the move she wants, that's going to cause misunderstanding.<P>If your wife doesn't want gory details, then I don't think you should give them to her. But you're going to have to tell her more than she knows now.<P>The move <I>is</I> a bad idea, at least at this time, but to "just say no" isn't really enough.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B>Yes, painforever, I'm afraid Kathi's right. If you don't tell your wife at least enough for her to understand the emotional ramifications of the move she wants, that's going to cause misunderstanding.<P>If your wife doesn't want gory details, then I don't think you should give them to her. But you're going to have to tell her more than she knows now.<P>The move <I>is</I> a bad idea, at least at this time, but to "just say no" isn't really enough.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In total agreement - this just really seems very strange that your wife wants to go back????<P>You have got to be straight about it and tell her you dont trust yourself, if she wants the marriage to work she has got to realise this.<P>You say 4 months, thats nothing. My wife had an affair which started in 1999, I discovered it at first in April 2000, then my son caught them in July 2000 - we have not moved, there is now ay we can move, unless that is to the other side of the world - our old home, which I definitely dont want to do.<BR>We are still living in the same city as OM and it is still a problem - I still have sleepless nights.<P>Do you love your wife? If you do you CAN make it work, give her a chance too, I know where she is coming from - would you rather have that she is bugging you daily about your affair?<P>Get yourself sorted out - she wants you, you have 2 kids that you love very much - tell her your feelings - in a gentle way - tell her you do really love her - but have got to work through these things out..<P>The worst thing for anyone who has been deceived is not to be told exactly how their partner feels - believe me, my wife wont talk about it at all - and you know what it drives me mad - dont do that to your wife - talk to her, tell her what you are battling with and ask her to help you - she is definitely willing I AM SURE - but like me she is just so confused as to the right thing to do to restore your relationship without chasing you away.<P>You know you CAN grow to love your wife again - you didnt marry her for nothing, but at the same time even if she doesnt want to talk about it, talk to her, she is just covering up her hurt and doesnt want you to see it - hell if my wife would be willing to move out of this city and I was sure that I could get a job somewhere else, my feet wouldnt touch the ground I would be out of here so fast..<P>Tell her if she really wants to sort things out, come read the listings on this site - do not hide this from her that you are posting on here - be open about it.......<P>