Thought that would get everyone's attention........<P>My question...<P>Should I move over to "recovery", as Richard has agreed to work on our marraige.<P>WHHOOOOOOO_HHHHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1<P>With all that has happened in the past few weeks, he asked me the other day to stay here in WA state, that he would not leave me, and was willing to work on our marraige.<P>I thought and pondered a few days. And I could not agree to stay. Heres why. Finances have been ahuge prob for us since hes been in school, OW will be in the same school they chose as a back up (neither made it into nursing prog where they met) and I dont want to let down grandparents. <P>H asked for us to go just for summer. I considered it for awhile. Then asked him if he would consider moving there for just two years, to get him through school. It would give us the financial support to get him through school, I would be able to support him through school because I wont be so stressed out with finances, and , we would have the support for us. Meaning that we could go out on a date, spend time alone with grandparents there to help. Grandmothers who nothing more than for us to work out. <P>We can focus on us. Hell, weve never even had a honeymoon. No dates, time alone nada.<P>I asked if this would work for him. He said it sounds great. I asked him to be open with me if he saw a problem with it. Or with anything.<P>He has been so sweet kind and loving. I printed out the EN questionare and asked him to fill it out. I would too. He thought it was corny, but I explained that I would like to know him better, and what he needs from me to be happy.<P>Long story short, there is hope out there guys. You wont find it in your friends, family, or within yourself. I destroyed this marraige over many years. Only God, can restore us. Only through Jesus is there hope.<P>Love To All,<P>Dara<P>PS..I am sure I will stick around here, as you all have become my family. Youve seen my innermost caverns of my heart, and understand me. Thank you all.

You are right this did get my attention. My heart jumped into my throat.<P>By all means go to RECOVERY!! But do keep us updated.<P>I am so thrilled for you!!!<P>

((((((((((((Dara))))))))))))))<P>I am so happy for you sweetie. Go meet the recovery folks by all means, but that doesn't mean you can't come visit us too!<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Dara,<P>You can run but you can't hide. We'll find you whereever you post. I think this is very good news. Just remember POJA with Richard about this momentus issue. <P>You are doing well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Yeah, we can just go over there and check up on ya!! GO TO IT, DARA!! <P>(((((Dara)))))<P>That won't be the last hug either!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Hello all,<P>Late night here, after working evening shift last night, then a double today. Please excuse me in advance if my thinking seems obscured...<P>You would all think I am jumping for joy with Richard saying he wont D me, and will try. <P>Is trying such an subjective phrase? <P>Yes, I realize moany issues will have to be dealt with a counselor. Heres what I dont understand however.. When we had the 'talk', a few days ago, I asked him what it would take to make him happy in this M, to heal from the past. To not associate me with such pain, to recover from our injuries. He said he'll just forget it all. Clean slate. <P>RIGHT!!<P>After my affair three years ago, when I asked for a sep d/t guilt, why then did he beg me to stay, another chance, exchanging promises of our future? What is different this time? What? He recovers by "forgetting about it"?<P>How? Can I please do the same, because it really bothers the piss out of me regarding his affair. And along comes all the wonderful feelings as well, insecurity, jealousy, rejection etc. I would love to just forget about it.<P>But he wont even aknowledge it. She called him Friday. SH**!! He said he didnt want to talk. Huh, he dosnt want to talk to me as well about our 'issues.' Yes, he has been loving and sweet. But this dam nagging insecurity keeps persisting telling me its all a mask. People just dont get over it, and relinquish their painfull pasts do they? <P>If he were capable of that, than why did he so adamently pursue a D this year? Based on my past?<P>When will he show me the real him? We are moving in three weeks..yes high stress about the trip, finances, preparing our house to be rented. I work now 50 plus hours a week. So what then? Get to TX, around family that hasnt been around him in four years, only to find that our 'recovery' is merely denial? Because we are so busy with family, moving, new job, new schools for him and the kids. <P>Will there ever be time for us? Who knows. If there is, will he ever open up to me? Its BS for him to say he will just get over our past, and forget about it.<P>I really feel all he is doing is denying his pain, as he has done all these years. Will he just wait till the kids are older, say eighteen, and leave me then? When the costs of D arent so high? He wont talk about his A, wont talk to me about his needs, his pain etc. <P>I almost feel like a fool to believe all will be well someday. I know dam well pain/issues/heartache dont go away by ignoring them or choosing not to aknowledge them.<P>And what about the pain I feel? With him, only three weeks ago writing me a letter saying he is in love with her? Where or where did those feelings of love go? Just denied as well? Or is he so superficial that all matters of the heart are changed by a simple change of mind?<P>Three weeks ago he tells me he is in love with her. Two weeks ago her husband calls me and tells me that they were seeing each other everyday, lying to us only to placate us. That they were planning on comitting to each other after they took us on the ride of supporting them through school. Up to a week ago yesterday before he broke it off with her they spent everyday together, telling each other how they loved one another, kissing and holding hands. Like freshman in high school.<P>OK OK I am rambling here. Help me PLEASE.

Hi Dara...<P>Yeah, I'm sorry to say but my suspicions would be "up" also. You've got to not look at your H for confidence... how are you in your faith? Are your eyes upon HIM as in Jesus or upon your circumstances... I don't want to be the only skeptical one here but it has happened so fast given all of the circumstances and WHOA, a phone call on Friday and he doesn't want to talk about it? That's a cause for pause right there...<P>Girl, your emotions and such are in high gear... I know as I'm in a similar "transitionary" phase. You have got to put your Oxygen mask on before you're able to assist the other "passengers" who need your assistance, ok? So, accept the good, bad and ugly with your H... does he still feel "safe" enough to talk with you? How are your LBers? I find it much harder to stay under control in times of stress and yes, you qualify...<P>Steadfastness girl, slow and steady... take deep breaths, be wise as serpant AND <B>gentle</B> as a dove, ok?<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Dara, I would also be very suspicious. My H continued to see me while living with OW for 4 months. He then told me he wanted to come home, that he loved me, even though he'd also professed love for OW, that she was the only one he'd ever loved fully enough to feel completely satisfied. There were financial incentives in his case as well. BTW, we're both nurses also (and never went on a honeymoon either!) and we own and run a business together. While he was living with OW, I managed with the help of an atty. to have him removed from the board of directors of the corp. and taken off the checking accts. because he was buying everything to furnish their home, plus a car and a trailer, out of the business account.<P>When he had no money and was threatened with being fired for never coming to work, he decided to come home. He told me he loved me, we even went on a cruise. He constantly criticized me for what I had done to him and how he never would do anything that terrible to me (huh?). I finally relented and added his name to the business accounts. The next day he told me to leave and moved the OW into our home (Needless to say, his name is no longer on the accts.).<P>Granted, drugs and alcohol are a major factor here, but saying he was in love with her 3 weeks ago seems to close for comfort. My H said he loved both of us when he moved back in, he just had more to lose with me. But in the end, he chose OW anyway.

Thanks OvrC's and Lets try,<P>However, I am not suspicious about this. WE are moving 3 thousand miles away in a month. She called him and I was there. <P>I am not suspicious, just in desperate need for some healing, even just acknowledgement of my pain over his affair.<P>I know things wont get better by ignoring them. <P>OvrC's,luckily I am not relying on him for confidence. I do that in my emotional states. I dont need him to give me hope..I realized that even before he said he would try for this marraige.<P>I know he is sincere. Maybe we are just so preoccupied with moving. He said this AM he cant wait to get to TX so we can start spending time together and getting to know each other.<P>>staring dreamily into space remembering fajita's at taco cabana with the moonlight and margarita's<<P>He has been sweet, paying me compliments, attentive after I work all day. It feels wonderful. Yet I have this nagging desire to work through the painful chapters of our hearts, to find healing.<P>I am suspicious of him telling me he is in love with her only two weeks ago. Where did that love go?<P>Doe's the fog lift THAT quickly?

Dara,<P>You need to get things in order OK? First, he will never forget your affair or how you treated him. I suspect that it is how you treated him more than the affair that scared him. You won't forget his affair either. It doesn't happen that way.<P>What you both will do is learn to forget one another. It will take time.<P>Now is not the right time to work on fixing the past. Now is the time to get moved, settled, and comfortable with one another again. THEN the talking will start. Dara he will talk about this again. He has talked with you in the past. You have learned many things as well, and so you will talk about things in the past as well. But now is not the time.<P>He is very likely in withdrawal. He is doing what he must, but whatever love he had for her is probably still there. He is trying to let it die. Didn't you have to do that as well? It takes time. There will be ups and downs, but he is moving with you and as he comes to see and experience the new you many things will change. <P>What you haven't figured out yet, is that as you interact with your H in a new way, you will change how he interacts with you. You will change how he sees you. This takes time. <P>As I said, during the move, during the drive, enjoy yourself. Smile, just talk about things (not the marriage) let him see the woman that is blooming within you. He will be skeptical at first,just as you are of him. It is natural.<P>Dara, have faith in yourself. You are a woman worth loving and he loved you in the past. He can come to love the new you, but he must come to know you first. AS withdrawal proceeds he will see you. So conduct yourself with grace, charm, and confidence. Time is on your side, don't panic.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

the 3,000 miles should really help! As JL said, your H is probably in withdrawal. He probably couldn't get over her in 2 weeks. No contact seems to be the most important thing. My H seemed anxious to move back with me when he did, we even went on a cruise, which he enjoyed more than I did (couldn't shake those memories), but OW paged and called his cell phone many times a day and even used an emergency with her 4 yr. old D as an excuse to see him. Once he started seeing her again, his attitude toward me took a 180 degree turn. He became verbally abusive, began sneaking around, and finally told me he hated me. Now, living with her, he writes me letters that he always loved me. But with his drug and alcohol abuse there's no hope right now.<P>Good luck but expect withdrawal to continue for a while.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Dara, have faith in yourself. You are a woman worth loving and he loved you in the past. He can come to love the new you, but he must come to know you first. AS withdrawal proceeds he will see you. So conduct yourself with grace, charm, and confidence. Time is on your side, don't panic.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What a lovely statement. Also really liked his advice on the drive down. Take it slow... think ETERNAL perspective... you've got time on your side. Don't panic... just observe yourself, and him and ponder it on your heart. Try not to act or take steps forward on your own initiative... wait until HE is ready. Anyway, you want him to be honest... that means he needs to feel safe. Be trustworthy. His feelings are his... worthy of acknowledgement... but only his perspective. There may be elements of truth to it which need to be examined by you... the key is time and pondering. Be the woman you want to be and let God work on the Man you want to be your loving H.<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Dara,<P>Just wanted to drop you a line to say I'm thinking about you and praying for you. <P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-