I feel I need some perspective on this.<P>After a year of working on saving my marriage, I am at wits end. My wife had a 2 year long emotional affair. She says she became detached from me during the first year of our 7 year long marriage. <P>From the very beginning, my wife has had difficulty talking about problems. She can, at great lengths, talk about everything else in the world but that would cause conflict. Her parents say that’s just the way she is. From the beginning of our marriage, I tried to remain cognizant of the health of our marriage) I asked her many times to help me with this because I may not recognize if something was wrong. My wife, on the other hand, has the tendency to avoid all conflict. Thinking this was just one facet of the wonders of my wife, I accepted it. <P>Turns out there were things wrong in our lives which led her into a friendship and then into an emotional affair of 2 years. Even when I came upon them in the parking lot of her work (he did not work there), I believed that she would never do something like this to me and thought them as just friends (I have a couple of female friends so what’s the difference….right? WRONG) <P>She told me they were seeing each other 2 to 3 times a week for about 2 years. I was devastated but with many tears on my part, she agreed to see counseling and then called OM that she was going to give our marriage a fair chance. We started to go to counseling and things were looking up. We “graduated” to once a month sessions and I thought this was a start of a new beginning. On our anniversary, I took my wife to a hotel on the beach for 3 days of just US. It was great. I have the love of my life back.<P>A few days later, she left a message on the answering machine saying she would be a little late from work. I called to see when I should have dinner ready, but was told she left about 15 minutes before. While trying to keep the anxieties down, I took the dog for a walk and saw her car in the parking lot of a park near by. She and he were sitting in the front seat of his car.<P>Turns out she had been seeing OM all thru our counseling “successes”, during our first Christmas as a couple again and during our anniversary. My trust in her was shattered again. After leaving town for about 5 days to regroup (and upon her request for some time away from me). <P>I have tried to follow the rules and concepts from this web site and the books, unfortunately she has no motivation to do the same but would rather just make the situation go away. The OM is supposedly out of her life (she wrote him a letter to break it off and I read it. Her coworkers have refused his calls….all this I am taking her word on) I have offered to let her read the books, no, I have offered to read the books out loud, no, I have offered to take her to seminars, and still no. Things are fine the way they are. She likes the house, the yard, the plants, her job and she says she loves me but her affection does not reflect this. Our sex life is ok but more a physical release than an emotional one on her part and one of the few emotional connections I have with her on my part. She says she still loves me but she doesn’t know what she wants.<P>I on the other hand, am wrestling on a daily basis the triggers, memories, angers, betrayals and questions of the past 3 years of our life. I make sure I do not take this out on her (try). I am having a particular problem in the trust department as well as the commitment department of our marriage. She keeps saying she is taking it day by day. If my marriage is going to work, I need more than a day by day commitment. If I am going to start trusting her again, I need more than day by day. When I spoke my wedding vows, I meant it and after this ordeal, I it back before I can release the past. I don’t want to date my wife, I want to live our lives together (planning on forever). I want to trust her again knowing that she is looking out for our best interest and our lives.<P>Now our anniversary is coming around again, and I promised myself I would either be married and committed to a woman that is committed to me and our marriage or start to take care of myself. I love this women very much but the love bank is almost empty. So many disappointments, letdowns, apathy. Part of me wants to walk away (hence this letter) and the other part can not imagine a world without her.<P>I need your opinions please…….. (anniversary on June 25). When do you know it is time to go. I have a hard time quitting anything and feel I have done everything I could do. Endurance is my last recourse for our marriage. I feel I have earned the right to leave. I don’t know if this is the answer…<BR>

Hi JR,<P>Sorry you have to be here. You are on the d/d board. Have you posted your story to the Just found out site or the GQII site? All sites give support but those other 2 sites may be more helpful in your current situation. <P>Since you are already familar with the basic concepts and info here offered at MB. have you tried a phone counseling session with one of the Harley's Steve or Jennifer? I know you said you went to counseling, we did also and then spoke to Steve Harley. I felt both had their individual benefits.<P>There are guidelines for plan A (which sounds like you have tried) and plan B (which is outlined in the surviving an affair book and in the writeups on this site). These will help you see where the focus is needed for recovery. <P>d/d for me was end of Nov 00. H moved out 12/31/00. Plan A until March 01 and H moved back in 4/29/01. There was a lot of ups and downs in between and there still is. We are also dealing with a strong EA that went PA with a Psyco OW. <P>The point is that for me after a while, I no longer had the stamina to continue to meet only H's needs. I needed to pull back, concentrate on the needs of myself and my family (1 child). I needed to refocus. My H is a conflict avoider and complacent man. H said he would have stayed in that waffling condition forever. Wanted his cake and eat it tooo. I took my portion of the cake away (recipe and all), told him that if I could not the only woman in his life, then he needed to go with someone who would settle for less and we would cut off him completely. Very selfish of me and rightly so. <P>I do not regret my decision. I was in plan b and even though H has been home for 5 weeks now, I am still in that mode. I have let H know that his coming home was his responsibility and he needed to win back the love of his family that he abandoned. <P>These are strong comments and you will need to assess your situation. I believe you are thinking clearer than your wife but you need guidance. Seek out Steve. They can help. <P>Post here and others will respond. It is usually slow on the weekends so please be patient with us. <P><BR>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Hey JRANGER,<P>You didn't mention if you have any children. That would make all the difference in the world I think. With children, I believe it takes all the effort you have with your very last bit of energy to try and save the marriage. Without, I would still try to save the marriage because vows are vows, not just empty words, but there are far less chances I'd hand out if the other keeps lying and cheating.<P>You sound very level headed. Maybe a call to Harley would be a good thing - it helped me.<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy

jranger,<P>I just posted and then read yours. We seem to both be in the same boat. Very introspective. Not wanting to view ourselves as quiters. Afraid to make the wrong decision. While I have no advice and most of the same questions, I just wanted you to know that there is someone else out here feeling like you do. We have to have faith that the answers are out there somewhere....I am not religous, but many of my friend who are say I should pray or meditate. Others say that if I don't know what to do that I should do nothing until something feels right. I am taking that advice for now and trying to live day by day. Honestly, though, I am tired and want answers and a direction to focus on.<P>If you have any revelations or think I can help somehow, please feel free to e-mail me at vasago@att.net<P>Good luck to us both.