I learned of his affair on 10/3/00 so it is 8 months and things couldn't be worse. In March, due to my own inability to cope any longer with not feeling loved (his fog was a long one - 4-5 months past no contact on top of the year he was withdrawn due to the affair), I too ended up in a brief affair with an old and dear friend. I have ended it and confessed to my H, who will now not speak to me. "I should have known better due to all the reading we've done about affairs".<P>I do not know if I want my husband back, but I certainly know that I miss my family unit. Is this enough to get started with? Neither of us can find the energy to jump into fixing this marriage. There are many things I don't like about my husband: He has always hidden things from me (I have very little trust) and I have questioned his emotional faithfulness to me for along time. He started smoking and I cannot deal with it. I have not been included in his life (see his complaint about me to find that he did not include me because I was too judgemental. I say I should have come first). He surfs porn on the net regardless of my feelings against it. I am reduced to a nag in order to get my needs met and this makes neither of us feel good. <P>His complaints about me are that I have taken the fun out of his life. I do not give him enough freedom. I judge his friends. I don't take the time to look nice or sexy for him (I interpret this as I am not supposed to wear jeans or sweats on the weekends when I am home relaxing (I work full time too)). I don't show interest in his interests (sports)(I have no interest in being interested in sports so I will NOT be meeting that recreational need. I simply do not enjoy watching sports so why should I do it. He has not been interested in any of my other suggestions and if he does join me I can always see the longing of not being there in his eyes. I think he is very selfish<P>How do you even start to rebuild if you can't find love for each other? But like I said, I miss having a whole family. There are times that I sense a terrible loss and just feel like he should be here. If it weren't for my kids, I would not be going through any of this pain. I would have moved on without him a while back. I simply feel terribly guilty for the failure of our marriage. We have all the tools we need from the reading we have done, but no desire to implement them, yet no conviction in making the choice to divorce.<P>Is there a point at which it is better to move on separately? Or am I missing out on some lesson here?<P>Learning Life

LL,<P>Well, what have you learned about yourself, that you can tell us about your responsibility in the breakdown, and your personal changes your are making to fix yourself?<P>Also, what validity is there for the reason your stbxh have given you? Generally, there is some validity, so which ones are right?<P>WIFTTy<BR>

Well, LearningLife, going on nothing but this one post, it appears to me that you've got a situation in which <I>neither</I> of you is willing to budge for the sake of the other.<P>You complain that you have not been included in your husband's life, but then you say "I do not enjoy watching sports so why should I do it." It doesn't sound as if you <I>want</I> to be included in <I>his</I> life: you say that not only do you have no interest in sports, but you "have no interest in being interested in sports". In other words, you couldn't care less about your husband's life. All you really want is for <I>him</I> to be included in <I>your</I> life. And then you actually have the audacity to say "I think he is very selfish"!<P>You "miss having a whole family." You "sense a terrible loss". But you have "no desire to implement" the changes necessary to improve things. In other words, life hasn't freely handed you what you wanted, and instead of doing something about it, your response is just to feel miserable!? (Or worse, to behave irresponsibly by having an affair yourself.)<P>You say your husband "has always hidden things from me (I have very little trust) and I have questioned his emotional faithfulness to me for along time." Which came first, I wonder? Your husband's secrecy, or your lack of trust? When you know from experience that anything you say or do is likely to be misinterpreted, it seems like a lot less hassle to say nothing even when you have nothing to hide.<P>I know that there are plenty of times I did not tell my wife something that I would have <I>loved</I> to have shared with her, because I could not think of any way to tell her about it without her taking it as an implied criticism. It is easy for me to imagine that someone could feel similarly stifled by the fear of triggering a paranoid reaction.<P>You asked "Is there a point at which it is better to move on separately?" The answer, of course, is yes. But I wonder if your question isn't <I>really</I> "Is there a point at which it is <I>easier</I> to move on separately?"<P>That's a dangerous question. Because the path of least resistance is often the path that leads to the most pain.<BR>