3 weeks ago I had a H and 6 teenagers in the house (none m biological children). Today for the 1st time since A began 8 mos. ago I'm alone in the house and this is how it's going to be from now on. I feel like I'm really losing it! <P>Being all alone, I have nothing to distract me from the reality of my situation. About 3 yrs. ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a mastectomy, went through chemotherapy and radiation treatment and then a year later, I had reconstructive surgery. After another year, I was so happy to be alive, I was finally feeling better, and I seduced my H in the hot tub. He'd stopped all sex with me when I got the breast cancer and he'd been avoiding my advances for years before that. <P>We had a beautiful night and I thought all my dreams had been answered. But, the next day, he began interrogating me about an ex-boyfriend from over 20 years ago after snooping in my journal. Apparently he assumed I'd seduced him because I was having an affair (guilty conscience?). <P>I then went through 4 months of verbal and emotional abuse before he unexpectedly moved in with OW. I was devastated. He stayed with her for 4 months, but visited me on and off while I plan A'd. We even continued to have sex during this time. A month after I began plan B, he decided to come home, but he soon became verbally abusive again and began staying away at night, though denying he was in contact with OW. After 1.5 months, he told me he hated me and I disgusted him and told me to f###ing leave. <P>I couldn't take anymore, so I left with a few clothes and stayed with friends. The next night he moved OW in. When the kids complained, he kicked them out too. We stayed in a rental efficiency cabin for 2 weeks until I filed for a restraining order and got him kicked out. <P>The house was trashed and there were drugs and drug paraphenalia everywhere along with lots of pornographic videos and sex toys. I really didn't get too concerned about sex between my H and OW until they engaged in sex in my bed and I found a huge purple dildo suctioned onto the shower wall, etc. Now it haunts me constantly. <P>I don't know if I've ever been more miserable in my life. I've lost my best friend to addiction (drugs, alcohol, and affair), I'll be 50 years old in August, OW is 22, and I feel completely inadequate, I still have breast cancer hanging over my head (and this stress is probably not helping my immune system). <P>I don't know what anyone can say to make this better, I just had to vent. I will probably end up with our jointly owned business, and I may end up with our home, if I don't have to sell it to pay off my H. I will also probably have to pay him spousal support since he's now unemployed (and pretty unemployable in his current state). It all feels so overwhelming right now.

I feel for you. I got tired just reading this.<P>Remember this... At this point, there is nothing that you can do to save him and renew your marriage. The demons have him now. He is possessed. He is not your husband. He has crossed over to the dark side. Anything that he does to you or tells you is a pure relection of the guilt he feels.<P>I really respect you for your incredible strength to carry on. Cancer and husband's adultery, drugs, and alchohol.<P>Save yourself now. Get a great lawyer and protect yourself. Why should you have to support him? Has your living arrangement been such that he doesn't have any skills (like him staying at home for years to take care of the kids)? If he is unable to earn a living because he is on drugs, drunk, and basically out of his mind (I know, I have a cheating XW) doesn't mean you have to support him. I'm sure any lawyer can prove this.<P>At this point, you probably should get away from him just to keep your own sanity. Right now, you'll just be banging your head against a brick wall if you try to fix this. He apparently doesn't want it fixed.<P>Rest up and muster your strength by staying away from him. Trying to deal with a wayward spouse will just wear you out and enrage your wayward spouse.<P>You're in my thoughts<BR>Kevin<P><p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited June 10, 2001).]

Kevin, Thanks for your support. I flip from anger and blame to intense self-pity. I know it will get easier in time, especially if I can avoid contact with him. He respected my plan B letter pretty well and the restraining order should work even better!<P>I know I tried everything and don't really have any regrets, but the flip side of that is I tried everything and he still chose to throw our life away for alcohol, drugs, and the OW. He avoided sex with me for years and now sex with OW seems to be the most important thing in his life, after drugs and alcohol. BTW, I may be 28 yrs older than OW, but I'm 110 lbs and have been told I'm relatively attractive. She is 270 lbs, with butch haircut, and foul mouth. She grew up here and has no friends, I have lots of supportive friends. I just feel so inadequate.<P>The spousal support would be a way to pay him off so I don't have to sell everything to buy him out and because he would probably not be able to make as much in his chosen profession outside of our business. I turned the drugs over to the police so he may be facing charges.