It's been a week since my blow out with the stbx and since that night I have not had one minute on the rollercoaster. It was as if I completely purged myself of any longing I had to have this man back in my life. Last Sunday I heard the full extent of the damage he carried in himself and the damage he has inflicted on me through the years. Not to say I was saintly and perfect in our relationship, far from it, but I realize how insecure he really is and how much of it had rubbed off on me. He still believes OW will fix him, I pray he realizes the folly in this idea before he ends up hurting both of them when the impossible doesn't happen.<BR> On Weds. afternoon I called him one last time and made peace with him, wished him well and told him that I hope that in time he will find out what's hurting him so badly and fix it, apologized for any of the hurtful things I did during this divorce and told him I truly want him to be happy and that I did love him even if I didn't want him as a mate any longer. He was very quiet and seemed somewhat saddened to hear that I have reached a point of no return. I really do hope he will be okay.<BR> It's hard for me to remember what I was like seven months ago when all this began. Hard to believe that I was so sure that life was over for me and I would never be happy again. I will be, I am right now. Occasionally I'll miss him and wonder how he's faring but I know now that there is life on the other side of divorce and it can be pretty good. I'm myself again and comfortable in my own skin<BR> For those of you still in the thick of it, hang in there. It may seem as if finding happiness again is an insurmountable task but it's doable and time will help you along.<P>Take care all and thank you for being the support I needed through all of this.<P>Meg

Well, you sound like you're in a good space...! I'm glad, considering the emotional roller coaster you've been riding these past few months. Glad you could make peace with your H or stbx H after the uprising last weekend. I liked the words you chose to say to him... I may have to borrow some of that conversation!<P>Take care, Meg!<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

Meg, I'm so glad you're happy now. I'm new here and riding the rollercoaster hard. I'm happy for you that you've reached this point. I look forward to getting there myself someday. My H is also very damaged (at this point strung out on drugs and alcohol) and believes he's found someone who truly understands him, in fact he seems to want to meld into her and act just like her. I know, like you, that this will not bring either of them happiness in the long run, but only time will teach him, there's nothing I can do for him anymore. Knowing this still doesn't take away my pain...yet.<BR>

Thanks. I had to make peace with him, he's a good man and we had a lot of good years together. He's carrying so much on his shoulders that he has a hard time admitting. I tried to help him with it but really no one can fix anyone else's problems, they must face those down themselves. <BR> In two more months my divorce will be final, I don't expect that I'll ever hear from him again after that. I let him know if he ever needed a friend in a time of need I'm here for him and left it at that. There is no marital relationship to go back to for either of us, too much water under the bridge at this point. But if he were ever in trouble I would help him.<BR> I tried the best I could to save us but I couldn't fight alone. Plan B worked in that it gave me the courage and peace of mind to move on, I only can hope for my lost love that he will find both of those things in himself.

I know how you're feeling, LetsTry, I was on that ride for so very long. *hugs you* It hurts so badly and you feel like the intense pain will never go away. I know. It sounds so hollow to say that time and patience will heal you, but it's true nontheless. For now just make sure you are looking after yourself to the best of your ability ad surrounding yourself with family and friends. There are people who love you, make sure you spend time with them.

Just curious, do you have kids and how are they faring?<P>Thanks and good luck in your new life! LL

Nope. I was always very admant about not having children until we were both ready, I believe a child needs both parents equally enthusiastic and involved. I wanted them, he didn't so we held off. Thank goodness, I couldn't imagine having to explain all this to a child.

hi Meg,<P>I'm glad to hear you're in a better place, and must say I'm a little jealous...I don't think the day you describe will come soon enough.<P>Best of luck in the future,<P>dd

Meg, Thanks for your response. Yes, the pain is so intense right now that I feel like it will never go away. I know. I appreciate what you say, it's something to hold onto even though I can't imagine getting there. I'm doing the best I can and relying on friends and family like you suggest, but they can only do so much. I'm suddenly living in a big house and running a business all alone after living with my H and 6 teenagers (none my biological kids)only weeks ago.<P>I would also like to make peace with my H. He's basically a good man and we also had a lot of good years together. Trying to help him only made him resent me, and you're right, no one can fix anyone else's problems, they must face those down themselves. <P>My divorce has not even been filed yet. My H does nothing but try to guilt trip me for not loving him enough, for being selfish and judgmental, and for telling lies about him to turn everyone in his family and all our employees against him. I've been in counseling with Steve H. for about 6 months now. H would only occasionally join in and then had nothing but criticism for what he sees as a one size fits all approach to relationships. He still tries to tell me that he loves me. It feels so manipulative as he continues to use drugs and live with OW, he trashed my stuff after kicking me out and a bunch of my clothes are missing (OW couldn't fit into them). My H said long ago that there was too much water under the bridge and now I think I agree with him. <P>I'd like to feel detached enough to be able to say I'd always be there for him, but I'm not there yet. I also tried everything to save our relationship, but he thought plan A was "fake," Plan B brought him home once, but he continued to sneak out to see OW and became more and more verbally abusive.<P>Hopefully the restraining order will work to give me the courage and peace of mind to move on. I also hope for my H that he will find both of those things in himself.

Letting go is the most difficult thing I've ever done. Especially letting the girl of my dreams go.<P>But getting off the rollercoaster does feel good. Beware, however, that there are still descents, even after giving up.<P>Explaining all of this is the toughest thing I've ever done, but kids are resilient little people. My son understands, and has been one of the biggest supporters I could ever imagine. He and my special friends here have helped me immensely. Without them, I would be in far worse shape right now. I thank God for all of them. Everyday.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Nduli2</B> wrote: <I>For those of you still in the thick of it, hang in there.</I><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>From one who's about to get into the thick of it, thanks. <BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Nduli2</B> wrote: <I>Nope. I was always very admant about not having children until we were both ready, I believe a child needs both parents equally enthusiastic and involved. I wanted them, he didn't so we held off. Thank goodness, I couldn't imagine having to explain all this to a child.</I><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My wife wanted kids really bad - but I could never bring kids into this relationship in its current state - not without a lot of improvement. I'm glad I stuck to that, because I'd hate for a kid to have to deal with the roller coaster ride ahead.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>Beware, however, that there are still descents, even after giving up.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Truer words... were never spoken...<P>Just be prepared so it doesn't hit you too hard upside the head... there are days still (infrequent though they are now) when I think, "Jeez, how did this happen?" and/or "How could he have hurt me like that?" or "I wish {fill in the blank} could have happened"<P>Not to dampen your spirits, because there is a lot to be said for the "free from the pain of it all" feeling you get...<P>Best wishes Meg!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Just out of curiosity (no offense intended) but have you, by any chance, found another person that you feel might fill the space in your life left by your WS? I don't mean necessarily even a "boyfriend" or romantic interest, but someone who is meeting some of your important emotional needs in some way?<P>To be fair, I will tell you that somewhat over a year ago, I was ready to let go as well - I thought I was ok, free and clear, unshackled ... the works. And it occurred because I had met someone who I thought would be able to fill my emotional needs that had gone so long unmet. Lo and behold, when that person made it clear that he had no intention of being there for me in any way, my feelings for my husband came back full force... and I realized how easy it is to "move on" emotionally when someone is meeting your emotional needs. I also realized that, when the party is over, all the emotional issues you set aside are still there, and they need to be dealt with.<P>Again, please don't take offense to my question, I just hate to see anyone fall into the same traps that I did. If, in sharing what has happened to me can be at all helpful to others, then some good has come of my own pain. And that makes me feel good.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Meg,<P>I am glad to read that you are closer to a better peace of mind. That acceptance stage does remove a lot of stress but it takes a long time to get there. For me even now, I know I am a stronger person for being at the acceptance stage. <P>Even though H is home, he wavers on his commitment to his family. At times he is more like a boarder than a H & F. He has cut off contact with OW but she still makes attempts to contact him. H even asked if our marriage was a bad idea. Let's see after 10 years? Hm.... slow learner? No a man still looking for an excuse. So while in this acceptance mode, I am still able to respond with strength of character. I am not wavering in our requirements. If H chooses to leave this time, it will be for good, I will not regret or look back. If H stays and earns back the love and trust of his family, again I will not regret or look back. <P>The principle here is for all to use in each of their situations but it must be reached in one's own time. <P>I wish that your future attain the happiness you deserve. <P>L.<BR>

No, I made that mistake very early on and rectified it. Another person can't fix what happened or make up for the damage done by stbx, I know that.<BR> For me, it's just a matter of using the skills I have from coping with other things that have happened to me in my life. Plus, hearing my stbx in the state he is in and the absolute venom he attacked me with last Sunday killed any remaining loving feelings or hope I may have had for him. He's not the same man and will never be again. I can't pine for something that doesn't exsist anymore. And it has been a very long time too. Almost eight months now. The whole process has been neither easy or short lived, it took a long time to get here.<BR> There is someone in my life that's interested in me, but that will have to wait. I'm not ready to give myself to anyone right now. I need time to find out what I want. I have a lot of good friends and family, those are the people meeting my ENs right now and that's enough.