<BR>-----Original Message-----<BR>From: Tim Palaski <tpalaski@alltel.net><BR>To: sharley@marriagebuilders.com <sharley@marriagebuilders.com><BR>Date: Tuesday, March 30, 1999 9:21 AM<BR>Subject: Mid Life Crisis<P><BR>Dear Dr.<BR>I have read all of the letters and your response to them that are on your web site. As well as two of your books ( needs & love busters) I find no mention of MLC anywhere. <BR>My wife has exsperienced great loss over the past two years (her mother died after spending her last two months at our home with my wife caring for her needs while fighting Cancer) Our daughters boyfriend committed suicide, after a typical teenage relationship problem with our daughter. Two of our three children are now away at college since this all started three years ago. And our last child is now a senior in high school (empty nest) To top all of these things off my wife's body has started to undergo changes that she doesen't seem to understand. She doesn't think she is old enough for menopause (42 1/2) but she won't even consider getting tested for perimenopause. She show 17 signs out of 20 that are listed as symtoms from various womens health web sites.<BR>She started a new job after being home for 21 years, and after about 8 months there, she started an affair with a married man that is 9 years younger than she is. He had a bad marrige (so he told my wife)and his wife left him a wek ago after trying in her own way for 6 months to fix their marrige. My wife don't think that there is any thing wrong with any of this "this is normal" "it happens all the time" "just let me go so I can be happy". She has told me, and all of our close friends that she is finally doing somrthing for herself, and she doesn't care about what anyone says or feels. Not even our three children. She has tried to convince our children that she "needs to find herself" She says that "they are raised and no longer need her". And that "they will bounce back". Two of our three children know about the new just friend, and have warned their mom that they don't ever want to meet him and that they hate him and he will never be accepted. Their mom has tried to convince them that she fell out of love with me right before him or this job started. So that they wouldn't place any blame on either of two of the real causes. She was not successful, they both know the truth. Our daughter that doesn't know, doesn't seem to want to know. She has held back all of her questions, so her mom reads this as acceptance. But when she heard that what our daughter told her sister was that she feels like every one that she loved is dieing, first her boyfriend, then her grandmother, now her mom. This slowed my wife down for a day or two but still did not stop her from fabricating more stories and moving out with out really telling our two college children a thing. <BR>I went through stage 1 of dealing with the affair. all the while, all she would say was "it's to late", "I thought about this on my own, and it's all over" she went to a counselor 4 times but each visit was only serving two purposes ( how to tell our children, and to try and convince the Children that she tried something) Neither was successfull. Our children have seen right through all the stories their mother has fabricated. So now we are in stage two she has left to be with her new just friend. Our children don't want anything to do with their mother at this time, less than a week away from Easter. I love my wife, and I'm going to wait for her return. I beleive in her and what we have together. I truly beleive that she has some major selfestem and ego problems. And that the dreaded MLC has some bearing on this all. <BR>I would appreciate you veiws on this. What can a loved one try to persuade my wife to seek help?<BR> <BR>Please help me help her and save us. Tim

It's just me (TIM) trying to move this back up top for another try at some responces.<P>I'm now in plan B for the last 28 days. Alot has happened, none of it good yet. Please also see my post under infidelity PLAN B HELP<BR> to get more of the background.<P>I really, truly, need all of your help.<P>Please respond.<P>God bless you all.<P>Tim

Tim,<P>My h is a classic example of a man in the middle of a mid-life crisis. He is young for it only 37, but we got married at 18 and have been married along time with a 17 year old son. He met the OW at his work she is 23 and she told him she could change his life. He has reached the top of his career and has made as much money as he will ever need. He left me and bought the Porshua, pierced his ear and has been hanging out in Techno bars for months with her. He says he doesn't want to be married any more, but has been in counseling for months. He has severe self esteem issues. His family tends to run on the obese side and he is deathly afraid of getting old. The funny thing is; is that he is looking older and sadder every day, while I have lost weight and look years younger. Who knew? The best advise I have is stop focusing on her deal and start to look at what will make you happy and secure. <P>They are the ones with issues. Don't let her drag you down. Your life is not over, just try to please yourself and be an understanding parent to your kids. I know that the limbo is hard. I have been in it for almost a year. I finally filed for divorce, but it was to protect my assets. He was spending them very quickly and I didn't have any say married to him. It is still in process and won't be final for months. He may want to try again someday. He is welcome home as long as he is willing to go to counseling and follow some of Dr Harleys rules of protection. I won't be his doormat. I will not allow him to come over and hang and then leave. He know that he needs to make a committment to me for it to work. I have been following the "Tough Love" method. It is a plan B of sorts. It seems to work. I know that I fill some of his needs and so does the OW, but neither of us fill them all. The ball is in his court now. Just keep posting and people whith experience will respond. This forum gives you a great source of information. Good Luck GP

Tim- I think my wife at age 39 is going through the same thing. I don`t know if we can react to this the same as other people on this site dealing with their situations. they don`t want to admit that is their problem and their thinking is irrational and changes by the minute. I think my wife is going through tis also. She is angry at me over things that were said and done years ago. Why is it a problem now. one day we can act like everything is ok, the next she is ready to leave. She is really only concerned with making herself happy. Our kids are younger than yours and that doesn`t seem to be a concern to her. I`m the one who is expected to be there if she just decides to go somewhere after work. if I want to do something it has to be around her plans. but if I bring up the subject of her not spending time with the kids she really gets upset. i also would like to know how to deal with this.I even tried to talk to her about this, and she got very upset, accusing me of saying she was crazy or something. My wife hasen`t had an affair , I don`t think. and has told me she wants nothing to do with men right now in her life, she wants to do what makes her happy. When do I get to be happy?

double post deleted<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited April 19, 1999).]

double post deleted<p>[This message has been edited by Alice (edited April 19, 1999).]

The only response that I can make to all of this is that my x and I were married for 20 years. We have 2 grown children. We are both remarried now and that is going ok.<BR>The issue here is for the children and a normal family life with grand children comming etc. If you divorce, the family life as the children know it is OVER! It is not worth it for a more significant other unless the relationship you are in is abusive. Of course, you both have to work on it to make each other as happy as possible. I'm just trying to say if you are compassionate at all you will never be happy seeing the strife that your children live under trying to commit to so many different families. It is not fair to them. Moms and Dads should stay together if possible and try to make things better. In the long run the memories will be wonderful. Families are important!<BR>I am married to a wonderful guy now and that is good but if my x and I had not divorced I would not have known this new man and I wouldn't know the difference. Just work on what you have you only trade one set of feeling, problems etc., etc. for others. We are ALL only human beings.<BR>didi

Thank you for your replies,<P>Lemerick, <BR>All through the last 5 weeks of plan A, I said, wrote, showed, and proved that I want her to come back and give us a chance.<P>Now that I'm in plan B, our go-between reminds her of this when ever the curcumstances permit it.<P>The main problem with what's happening now is our children. Thisis where I need the most help.<P>I have set my mind to wait for my wife to come home. She is a clasic case right out of all the books mentioned on this site. Her most important emotional need is conversation, and with her new job consuming all of her prime time, I really didn't stand a chance. She also needs family as one of her most important needs, she has given her's up. I know when she sees the deceit that the OM used to get her in bed. And the fact she gave up every thing for his fantasy, that she will continue to follow the books and come home.<P>Please keep giving me your support and advice it really helps.<P>Confused 58 I will post to you later today I have to run out with my son now. He still needs me.<P>Thank you all<P>God bless <P>Tim

Tim and others<BR> I admire your courage. I have been tempted to give up on my wayward spouse. <BR> Many I have spoken to, including my family doctor and a counselling generalist, have advised me to file for divorce. My husband's single "friends" are supporting his "crisis" by offering him a place to stay, taking him out, covering up his lies. His married friends are calling me saying "What the heck is going on?" His family has abandoned him, stating that he is "trouble". <BR> Now that his ex-wife (who he was trying to start something up with) has ditched him, he is severely depressed. He's remorseful of what he has done to his family (we have 3 young children and have been separated for 6 months) and feels he is not "fit" to be a husband and father again until he "sorts out what is going on in his head". He is embarrased (I think) by his actions and doesn't want anyone to know what he did. He seems to prefer to "run away" than face those who are upset with him.<BR> Our children are unawares of what he has been up to and I have already forgiven him (a thousand fold)... <BR> I am determined that my patience and understanding are what our family needs. I am determined to avoid the "disaster of divorce" for all of us... Is this what "mid-life" is really all about? <BR> How do I overcome the ridicule of his friends who think it is "okay" for "a man in this stage of life" to do this to us? How do I face his co-workers who know what he has been up to?<BR> I've suggested to him that he sever contact with anyone who condones actions that are disrespectful to his marriage. I hope that, left to act/think on his own he'll find the strength to forgive himself. He can explain later, if he wants to, to those people who "helped" him commit adultry, abandon his children... nearly end his marraige. <BR> Although his crisis is far from over, I think I'm steering us down the right path. Opinions? Sources of strength?

Confused 58<P>Thanks for your reply, I have read your post and even made a comment to you.<BR>Yes we do seem to have alot in common.<BR>I found out about my wifes affair mainly because as Harley says they start acting with half a brain. <BR>The mid-life-crisis thing is her bodys aging and her not being able to cope with it. She became obsessed with diet and exersise but could not loose any wieght until the depression started. Her time of the month has changed drasticlly. Longer, shorter, sever, clotting, and pain. She has had constant yeast infection for months that nothing seems to cure. She has fibrod cysts in her, that she was told are caused by hormone deficiencies. She has terible mood swings. My son was affraid to even talk with her before he knew about any of this because of the way she would fly off the handle at him for no apparient reason. She wasn't sleeping right. The list of symtoms goes on and on. I showed her passages from her own womens books what all these symtoms could be related to (perimenopause). She rejected all of this, saying she wasn't old enough. I later found out from her sister that she (1 year older than my wife) is going through the same symtoms and her doctor has perscribed HRT. My sister in law also said her mother actually went through menopause at this same age that my wife and sister in law are at. All the books on womens health say that a womens mind is greatly effected by this change and that if the women is in the 30% group of severe cases that they should seek professional counceling. But my wife will not get tested. Will not seek counceling, will not listen to any one but the OM.<BR>His age makes my wife feel young again. She can't be old with a young guy wanting her so she thinks.<BR>My two daughters have had classes in school concerning all of this, (something my wife never had) and they have explained alot to me on what I'm dealing with. <BR>All these facts combined with the emotional need of conversation, and ego boosting compliments have put my family where it's at today. <P><BR>KK<BR>Don't get discouraged by the immature friends that is the most guys talk to sound macho. <BR>All that maters is you and your husband together.<BR>Hold your head up high, you are in the fight you are not running away like they would, any one that has to say those things to prove how much of a manly man they are, really are not men, or are they FRIENDS. My advice to you is fight the fight and then get some new friends.<P>Please keep giving your advice and councle.<P>Thank you all for your support. <P>God bless

Tim,<P>It is hard to say what drives a person to abandon the life they knew and jump into the fantasy. I was witness to my H's ups and downs when he realized he took the same issues he had in the marriage and reinacted them with someone new. He always blamed me for his unhappiness, but he is still unhappy with her. He has been on antidepressants for months, but they interfere with his sleep, so he looks so tired and run down, because he never sleeps. It is really hard to watch someone you love, act so destructive and selfish. It can be a long haul waiting for them to snap out of it. After a while you will begin to question your own sanity in hoping that they come back. There are success stories on this forum. There are patient and caring people on this forum. May god bless you with a happy ending. GP

Limerick,<P>Thanks again for you reply.<P>I think I know why my wife feel in love with the OM. (It really hurts to write that) He meet her need for conversation.<P>The fantasy grew because of the age difference. And the state of mind my wife is in.<P>Yes, it is hard to watch someone you love self destruct. Someone you always protected, is now hurting and won't let you help. But all the books and advice on this forum tells us that they must hit bottum before they realise they need help. The question is how long does this all take. ????? If someone has this answer please share it with us.<P>But now reality is starting to set in. Problems that neither one of them wanted to deal with before are now surfacing. Our children, money, his wife, public humiliation, etc.<P>This gives me hope. I know that it's going to take alot of work from both of us to rebuild our marriage. I just hope that when the affair is over that she will want to try.<P>I'm doing every thing I can think of to prepare for her return. I will not quit.<P>Thank you all for repling.<P>God bless you all.<P>Tim

Tim how can you tell if it is a midlife crisis or not? Up until december she never said anthing was wrong, even though things needed to change because we weren`t spending enough time together. But I can`t explain why she suddenly brings up every small detail Of things I said years ago that bothered her. How she thinks all of this is my fault and she will not accept any of the blame and I`m the one who should have realized we were growing apart and did nothing to prevent it. She didn`t do anything about it either.You seem to know the signs, that is why I`m asking for your opinion. How can you act like you love someone and one day say you haven`t loved your mate for years and you want to spend all your time making yourself happy. This is what blows my mind. She always put the kids first, as I did and that`s why we didn`t do much together. But how can she now think the complete opposite? If it isn`t a MLC I don`t have an explanation for her actions.

Confused 58<P>I'm not a expert on MLC. I have been reading all the womens health books that I can and have come to these facts.<P>1. My wife is having an affair<BR>2. My wife is in love with someone else for now.<BR>3. My wife is living out a fantasy (no responsobilites, no cares)<BR>4. MLC did not cause the affair<BR>5. Unfullfilled emotional needs caused the affair.<BR>6. MLC compounded the problem.<P>Conclusion: I have set my mind and my heart to wait for the fantasy to come to an end. I beleive in our chances for success. I beleive in God. I beleive in my family.<BR>After my wife returns, we together, will work on all the causes for the affair.<P>All I need is encouragement and prayers from all of the people who care.<P>We all must face our own reality, that which we create for ourselves. As well as the reality that got us where we are at today.<P>Please continue to support every one on this site. And keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. <P>Keep those cards and letters coming in they truly help.<P>God bless<P>Tim

tim, you have my support and prayers. i know I can`t give much advice but I`ll be here to listen. I wish you the best.

Tim and others<BR>Difficulties, including illness (depression, hormonal changes for example) are a necessary part of our development as human beings. It takes great courage to face those changes. To be courgeous, we require strength. <BR> Strength, I hope, can come, in part, from our marriage or partnerships. When our marriage fails to be a source of strength, I think we go looking for it elsewhere... in fantasy, in our careers, in the arms of another... it almost seems "natural". Maybe even in the on-line support of others in similar circumstances can give us strength.<BR> However, those of us who are willing to help our partners find the courage to face their changes, need "ways" to show them our own strengths, let them know they can rely on us "for better, for worse"... How? I think we're all struggling with that, are we not?<BR> Even if our individual circumstances are different, we must help our partners and ourselves by staying focused on the "big picture": our families, the effort for long-term support of one another... and be generous in forgiving and forgetting the little things.<BR> For myself, even if my husband has been acting like a nano head for some time now, I know that he is genuinely strugglng with healing some of his "issues". Our marriage has taken a backseat to his sudden need to "find himself" (or whatever!). I only hope he is as patient with me as I have been with him should I go through anything similar. Maybe by then he and I will have learned how to meet each others needs better so my own crisis won't send me outside my marriage...<BR> It's all a learning process, I think. I used to think I was well educated... now I'm just tired. I'm teaching my children about marriage, committment and communication... I wouldn't want them to go through this. KK