Everything makes sense after the fact I suppose. I'm here looking for some advice. After talking with the wife for a while, I think I've came to some conclusions about us. Early in our relationship I had ignored her. I had treated her like a classic tv sitcom wife. I did my thing and expected her to sit and wait on her 'oh so dreamy husband' to come home. Well, she moved out for about a month and it about destroyed me. I drove to where she was almost everyday (about 40 miles). Eventually, she decided that she really did love me, and moved back and I swore to her that I would never ignore her again.<P>Fast forward 2 years till now. Due to the stress of real life, I will admit that I didn't pay her that amount of attention that she needed or deserved. It was me being oblivious to her that made her leave this time. This woman has been everything to me and stuck by my side through thick and thicker. I can now see how all this came to pass and why it all happened. Now, when I ask her how she feels I get answers like 'I don't know'. From talking to her when she wants to discuss things, I realize that it stems from a lack of trust. I swore to her that it wouldn't happen again, then it did. I know now exactly why, and what could have been done to stop it, but those are things I didn't notice while we were together. Now I know, and I'm ready, to be exactly what I should have been from the beginning. The problem is, she is afraid that she will get hurt again.<P>What can I do to show someone that I truly regret what happened, and now know and understand exactly what my mistakes were? How can I show her that she can trust me, and I won't let those things ever get in the way again? Anything advice you can offer will be appreciated, it's hard knowing you lost the best thing you ever had because you didn't understand until it was too late.<BR>

Slag,<P>I saw that your new...I'm sure the MB greeters will be answering your post soon. To answer your question...<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What can I do to show someone that I truly regret what happened, and now know and understand exactly what my mistakes were? How can I show her that she can trust me, and I won't let those things ever get in the way again? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>A couple of things come to mind and it's never too late:<BR>About regret...apologize and show remorse for your actions, maybe tell her why you did it and why it will not happen again. Don't apologize just once but don't overdo it either.<P>Be action oriented...show by doing. How did you breach her trust in the past? <B>SHOW</B> her this will not happen again. Don't talk about it, JUST DO IT! What are her emotional needs? Make sure you are meeting them.<P>The most important thing is <B>TIME</B>. This did not happen overnight and you will not be able to regain trust in a day. But incrementally if you keep doing the little things you will earn back her trust. Be PATIENT.<P>Be informed...read the info on this website.<P>Good luck,<BR>dd<P><p>[This message has been edited by dumbdumb (edited June 11, 2001).]

Welcome Slag,<P>I'm not clear on your story but from this post it sounds like there were infidelities on your part. My WH (who acted much the same way you say you did) never went out of his way to re-build the trust in our relationship, though he says it's what he wanted more than anything. Talk is cheap and easy, it's the actions that did us in. <P>Let me tell you what he did NOT do and perhaps you can avoid those pitfalls...<P>He did NOT stop spending time with other women "friends". I mean single women who I did not know, and the time is spent in bars or restauraunts, after work, talking about "personal stuff". <P>This one's big. He did NOT take full responsibility for his infidelities. It always, always, always came down to him "feeling unwanted", "not getting enough", etc. " I'm sorry, and I was wrong, but you were a real ***** at the time... " During our talks, I would tell him exactly what about our marriage bothered me. Instead of hearing anything along the lines of remorse, I heard, " Get over it already. I won't do it again! " <P>The Honesty that we'd agreed to after deciding to work on it, never appeared on his part. While he was meeting "friends" after work, he chose not to tell me because I didn't ask. When I did ask, he lied at first and then told the truth the next day. He didn't want to upset "her". <P>He did NOT do everything that he could to put my mind at ease. Disappeared during the work day for hours and when I asked what was up -- no matter how casually, trying to not LB -- he became indignant and defensive. <P>Did not give me access to his cell phone records, email accounts ( he has several ) or other "personal" information. Said he needed some privacy after all. Well, someone who's cheated many, many times and is trying to get their marriage back, should be willing to give up that "privacy" at least until the BS feels secure. <P>He asked me to take a huge, huge risk and give him another chance. Yet he wasn't willing to risk anything in return. He's in a working band which is NOT a source of income for him at all. It's also how he met his last one-night-stand. He knew how much it bothered me but he wasn't williing to quit to work on his family. I include the whole family in this because this "hobby" of his takes up at least two nights a week during the "off season", more like four right now. he knows how much this bothers me, but only pays me lip service in saying, " ... maybe I'll think about quitting the band.. ". I've told him not to bother at this point. <P>And lastly he has gone back on every promise he made to me when we decided to try and work through it. He "forgot" about not going out with OW. He "forgot" about staying away from a certain nightclub until we could go there together. He "forgot" to call me at four AM when I was worried sick. He "forgot" to tell me about yet another email account. DON'T FORGET!<P>Check out the post by HGBrawner on the 17th of March at the "in Recovery" forum. (Sorry -- STILL don't know how to post a link) It's called "What my husband did to rebuild trust". I thought it was great and e-mailed it to my STBX. Maybe you could follow HGB's husbands example. Sure wish mine did. <P>Good luck. And I hope you're more successful than we've been.<P>Peace,<P>Snow

It sounds like you need some <I>structure</I>, Slag. When you told your wife you "would never ignore her again", you made her a pretty vague promise. What does fulfilling that promise look like? I'll bet neither of you really knew, and you may well have had different ideas about what the promise meant.<P>I'd suggest going back to your wife and see if you can agree on some specific <I>behaviors</I>, things you promise to do, and things you promise not to do. This would be an agreement your wife could point to if you mess up, so that you could take immediate corrective action, instead of allowing a generalized dissatisfaction to take root and grow within your wife.<BR>

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino