Desperatly need help!<BR>In a few days I'd be divorced (for the whole story look at Roll call index and on Roll call on D/D site.<P>In short I am F, 43, married for 19 years, together for 22, two D (19 and 11). H told me about A in Nov 1999, we separated in March 2000 (on different floors of the same family house), he bought me a new apartment and moved me and YD in July 2000 and divorce would be final these days. <P>He moved OW into our house in Nov 2000 (she is 33, never married, been with a lot of rich men, not employed now for 6 month, his former secretary: H owns a private large company, about 1.5 000 000$ worth, very rich man for our country in Europe)<P>I was very bad in plan A, from Jan 2001 we were in plan B (he didn't want any contact, but I forced some and every time we met I was crying, begging him to come back, screaming, accusing him for the A, and all of that in front of the kids (OD decided to live with him and OW).<P>Then in May, when he told me he filed for divorce and never would want reconciliate, we suddenly started to talk friendly, he started to support me with more money , some works in the apartment...<P>And it seemed it would be at least "polite" divorce, but when he came on Sunday afternoon (to return YD who spent weekend with him) I blew out, exploded like a nuclear bomb, do not ask me why, I do not remember. <BR>The only thing I remember is that I screamed, yelled, cried, begged, wanted to kill myself (again), I told him every ugly word what I could about him , OW, A, I was horrible towards him but , unfortunately, towards and in front of the kids. That was terrible. I hate myself , I know it's unforgetable and unforgivable. My OD said she hated me for the rest of her life, she didn't want to see or hear from me, my YD was stressed and cried a lot but at the end stayed with me.<P>Yesterday and today I sent cell phone messages (SMS) to my OD but she does not answer.<P>Will she ever want to talk to me not to say to come and live with me and YD?<P><BR>Please can anyone advice me , if there IS a way, how to correct what I did?<BR>Did I loose my daughter forever?<BR>Did I loose H forever?<BR>Can I, in some way (how?) plan A after divorce is final with him but also with OD?<BR>Does anyone know about a reconciliation after such ugly scenes and legal divorce?<P>I loved him and only him for my whole life, he was the first and only man in my life and that will stay forever (he knows that). <BR>I never was and acted like that. Did I become psychotic?<BR>Am I in sain , like OD says?<P>Can someone help with an advice, I desperatly love him and miss him and of course my OD.<BR>I realy don't know what or who was in me when I was talking these things to them.<BR>thaks for help, any advice or expirience will help.<P>D

B&D,<P>So sorry to hear of all your pain.<P>((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))<P>I don't have any advice to give that will fix the damage done. <P>Perhaps if you write OD a letter it may help.<P>Have you had any counseling? I think it would be very beneficial. Also getting on antidepressants may help. A lot of us go through situational depression during this and if left untreated may manifest itself into clinical depression.<P>Please seek the help you need first. You need to let go and work on yourself before you can hope to repair relationships with daughters and H.<P>I hope someone else offers you some better advice, but I just wanted you to know that someone is listening.<P>Take Care.

I found that taking myself out of the situation helps, work on yourself and your anger, anger tends to turn people away so they can protect theirself from you. when they see changes they perhaps will come around here is a great site that my help you read the articles and then try to practice what you may learn. <A HREF="http://www.divorceasfriends.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.divorceasfriends.com/</A> <BR>

I am truly sorry that your life has reached this point. You are at an impasse in your marriage. You cannot go back, and it seems as though you can't go forward. Please realize that your relationships will 'go' anyway. They will not remain where they are, and you are powerless to stop that. Where, then, does YOUR power lie? Your power lies in how you respond to it, and what you do to get it moving in a positive direction. After what happened, I'd say plan A is out for now. It will only look like guilt, and will not be taken in the proper context. Plan B is in. You need to let it lie for a while. My observations with anti-depressants is that they cloud the issues, and don't really help the people that are on them too much. Suddenly, nothing is their fault. I blame them for a large part of my ex-wife's mindset. She takes Prozac, and her new friend takes Zoloft, and who knows what her OM takes. I was taking Zyban to quit smoking, but stopped taking the Zyban because I needed to feel that my life was real again. (In the midst of the OM situation, and during the 15 minute divorce, and since then [May 23rd]). It stinks in the most major way a thing can, there is NO getting around that. This nightmare is your life right now...deal with that. You have no choice, and taking drugs will not change a thing, except you will have less money, and side effects, to boot. I have four sons, and it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It is not getting easier, only more difficult. I have to watch my ex-wife's new relationship with a former friend of mine unfold, and that hurts, too. I am currently unemployed, with no income, and 80% of the bills, including a mortgage, and second. I have been destroyed by this...completely. My ex-wife has conveniently not been able to take the children this week, and I still owe her $91 child support for this week! It gets worse!<P>Well, now...you asked a question, didn't you? How do you 'fix' this? Fix yourself. Heal yourself. Move closer to God. Watch some miracles happen in your life. Do His work...be His child...let Him guide your life. If a restored relationship with them is in His plan, He will provide for that. Quit second guessing Him. There are a few thing that you are forgetting:<BR> 1. You are His special child. God loves you, regardless.<BR> 2. You needn't kick yourself for your lot in life. It's already 'bought and paid for.' Yes, you will continue to receive negativity about it. Simply say that you were very stressed, and said some things in haste that you regret. Leave it at that. Apologize, take responsibility, and move on. They will too, in time. That is the key. You want 'instant results'. That is how I got a 15 minute divorce. I wanted to fix it now, and she decided to end an 18 year marriage in 10 seconds. Watch yourself. Be patient. That is RULE #1. NEVER VIOLATE RULE #1. EVER.<BR> 3. You have an important life, and you have important things to say, and do. Get on that post haste. Here is where you need to expend your sense of urgency energy. On you! Do it, and quit being a martyr. You are suffering. You are being wronged. You are the injured party. So what. So am I, so are a lot of people, especially here, and places like this. What do you want as a result? You are not going to get them back that way, or with that mindset. Move on from there as soon as you can. Run, and don't look back. I mean that. The longer you stay where you are at, the less likely any reconciliations, or healing will be.<BR> 4. People do care about you. I do, and I don't even know you. You may think, well if you knew me, maybe you wouldn't say that. That's not true. You don't know me...I've got some baggage of my own that I haul around. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. Accept that people care for you (imperfectly) for you (imperfect.) Strive to get better. That is your job in life. Really.<BR> 5. Since you mentioned words, and words are something I like :-) Study Neuro-Linguistic Programming. It's an intense read, but it gives you powerful tools for change in your life. Get 'The Sourcebook of Magic' by L. Michael Hall, do a search for NLP at Yahoo, or wherever. I haven't seen too much on these sites regarding NLP, but it is a powerful thing, if you do it right.<P>Finally, I will pray for some healing in your situation, here is a site that you might try: <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>http://www.restorem.org</A> <BR>Again, I loathe your situation as much as I do mine. All I really want right now is to have my ex-wife come home, and it seems as though that is the very last thing on anyone else's mind. That is a hard realization to come to, but I am still the father to 4 young men, and what do I owe to them right now? More well than I feel I have, I can tell you, but I am 'digging in the corners' to find a little something for them everyday. I suggest you do the same. Be your girl's mother...do it perfectly, with reverence for the job, them, and yourself. Be a slave to that task, but do not have one negative feeling about it. It is something YOU OWN. Own it proudly. Have a blessed day, and take care of yourself.

HOPELESSINAZ:<BR>Thank you for care, even before your answer I sent an e-mail to my OD in which I try to explain and appologize fo the words I said, but till now (24 hours later ) she did not respond. It seems ovious to me that she hates me and will never even forget what I did, not to mention forget.<BR>In fact I am in counseling for a year but like you see with no effect, I am also on antidepressants but also they don't help.<BR>My doctor says that I don't need them because I am quite resistent to medicatons like sedatives and antideps. and that my greatest problem is my stubbornness (he knows my H cause we tried counseling together at first but H was so in love that he quit after few sessions).<P>Thank you for listening, I needed that.<BR>I've just found out my divorce would be final July 4th: 22 yers (not too bad if you ask me) would be blown with the wind.<BR>Hope to hear from you and to become strong like you.<P>JABBER:<BR>Thanks for advice, you are right. But I don't know how to <BR>take myself out of the situation . I know for that website but this Sunday everything , those thoughts and advises also , simply disappeared from my head.<BR>Now, when I spoiled everything I am aware what I had and had not to do and I am becoming more and more aware that my OD would never forgive me, my H also.<BR>Thanks and hope to hear from you also.<BR>It's nice to hear I am not alone and people who even don't know me , care, but it's sad also to see how many people have the same problem.<BR>Thanks<P> <BR>WFH<BR>The whole problem lays in the fact that I can't accept the fact "the relationships will 'go' anyway and I am powerless to escape that". <BR>I am in almost everyday contact with dr Harley but neither that helped me to escape this Sunday.<BR>You know, I become PhD and [censored] Prof only by myself, H never supported me (mean emotionally) and I am not used to stay outside the picture and wait something to happen (fog to lift, H to see OW like she is for real...) and I thingk my largest problem is inpatience. Till Sun I really thought that he'd be back and withdraw the divorce but when I realized that I'd be divorced on July 4th no matter what I did or not did , I lost control.<P>Now, I have no power for more battles, I think I'd not have the opportunity for plan A and that you are right: plan B is more realistic - he'd for sure not come to court (only his attourney) and it's even less possible he'd come to me, I mean just in my apartment. So no plans in fact.<P>Concerning antideps , I was taking them for few months but I attempted suicide in spite of them (Aug 2000) so I was without medications few months and last two months again on one of them. Truly, I am MD but I don't see any difference and, maybe the most people will not agree, I think about them like you. I simply don't know tka or not to take: I make horrible things with or without.<P>I am really sorry to hear that you are in worse situation than is mine. <BR>I didn't undertand: whom do the children stay with? How can you owe your W child support if you are unemployed and she works?<P>Like I mentioned I am not religious so I can't find help in prayers, I tried with REIKI but it obviously failed also.<P>The most important question for me stays: HOW to fix the damagge, is it possible anyway?<P>Again you are right: if you knew me, you for sure wouldn't say you care not even I am worth of care H and OD are sure I am in saine and it's the best to put me in the institution, he convinced me our marriage of 19 years is a mistake from the beginning and that I'd never contributed in earning a house, company, alot of money which he now has and spends with OW. Me is left on low sellary, in an apartment, without a cent from this large company-I signed him everything he wanted even before divorce. You know we started our marriage in one single room gor 11 years (2, 3 and at the end 4 of us), last few years money started to come, but only for OW not for me. But you know : it's not about the money, it's about the love. When I phoned OW on Sun she never mentioned love for him only that she can always get what she wants and now that's him and his house.<P>But I am so happy cause I can see someone cares for me even not knowing me.<P>I've heard about NLP but I am not familiar with the method, I'll try to get that book but I am pretty sure I'd not get it in my country.<P>Thank you for prayers, I have the same wish as you, the only one: my STBX H to come home, and it seems also that is the very last thing on anyone else's mind (including H, OD, OW, even YD and my parents or few friends who stayed with me). <BR>"Be your girl's mother...do it perfectly, with reverence for the job, them, and yourself. Be a slave to that task, but do not have one negative feeling about it. It is something YOU OWN. Own it proudly." ---- you are right: I have to do that but also I need an opportunity to show to my OD that and unfortunately but with a lot of right she will never give me one more chance to do that.<P>Hope you'll find a job soon, with your proffession I'd expect it is not very hard (in my country). Have a lot of beautiful days with your boys, you deserve them. I hope your prayers would become real and your XW and maybe my STBX H would get out of the fog one day.<P>Thank you a lot.

I had started to post earlier, but I lost the post. Anyway, today has been hard. My ex-wife was here when I woke up with a list of stuff she wants from here. That sort of set a generally depressed mood for the day, and it has gotten steadily worse. My oldest son went to stay with her tonight. The two other teens are out, too, and I am with my 6 year old. I am very depressed today, and I miss my wife completely. I've realized that I have been giving to everyone for so many years now, and now I realize that no one is giving me anything back. That hurts. My ex-wife felt like that for a time in the marriage, now she is showing me how it feels, and I don't like it at all.<BR>I am sure that given time, your oldest daughter will seek you out. You are her mother...that won't change. Understand, too, that you aren't divorced until the judge says so...anything can happen. There is no sense in dreading its coming if there's nothing you can do to prevent it. Believe me, it will only make things worse. What happened on Sunday is only the tip of that iceberg. I'd put a blowtorch on it right away. That's you out of control, and that is your worst enemy, not OW. I wish there were some other way, but I can only see stepping out of the way in my case. It sure beats getting walked on.

waiting_for_her:<P><BR>Hello,<P>I am sorry for you had such a day. I don't quite understand where are your sons, who has a custody?<BR>My STBX H takes YD only during weekends so thrugh the week she is with me, but I understand you completely, that's the reason why the weekend are so hard and probably had a role in my explosion on Sunday. The worst thing is when you stay alone (or with only one kid-like you) - then you have enough time to be drove into the memories of the past.<BR>How old are your sons?<BR>Do you think your wife acts like that on purpose, like a revenge to you? I think it's simply the fog (now when I am calm, on Sun I've been thinking like you, especially when H told me he felt unloved during the almost whole marriage, and he never mentioned his feelings earlier, but that's the fog)<BR>I am happy to let you know that my OD phoned me last night, she was a little bit cold but she did phone. Today she is starting with final exams in her secondary school, I am so happy that I had an opportunity to wish her luck I am now pretty sure that we can repair and even make better our relationship. It is more important then the marriage and at the end when her father sees we are doing better maybe......<P>You are right again the scene was the tip of the iceberg, and I hope it WAS THE TIP of it (and now that would not be more tips).<BR>My OD gave me hope we'd be mother and child again. I was so afraid that OW begins to mean her more than me.<BR>Like I said I am not religious but I really believe that people who try to build their happyness making their family miserable and sad and unhapy can not be happy, really happy, they can only live in fog for some time but not forever. Dr Harley keeps repeating me that my H would become aware of what he had done one day (your wife also) and life would give me another chance - I'd wait for that day to come. Now I have to focuse on present and try to escape another bomb what can explode on July 4th.<P>Hope your day yesterday passed and that you're feeling much better today.<BR>Wish you the best.<BR>D<P>I have PC only at the office so I would be able to read your post on Monday. Wish you a nice weekend (the worst days for me)<P><BR>

Waiting for her:<P>Where are you ? how was the weekend?<BR>Say few words