Ok guys... <P>My H and I are really trying to work on things. He has been really great and much more attentive lately. But I am finding myself becoming apprehensive of these actions. <P>When my H started his A he became the man I knew when we where dating. He was so wonderful...sending me flowers, rubbing my feet, totally interested in me. <P>How do I get past connecting those action with the A? I really want this to work, but I find myself questioning his motives.

Connorsmom,<P>It is hard, I know. I'm not sure that you ever trust 100% after a spouse has cheated on you. Does your H realize that these things are triggers for you? This is scary territory I think....you don't want to shun his attentions but they cause you to question his motives.<P>Perhaps if you posted this qiestion on the recovery board you could get some advice from those who have been there done that!<P>Take Care.

connorsmom,<P>I don't have a ton of great advice for you here, but I just wanted you to know that this is exactly one of the things that I struggle with a LOT too. My H and I are reconciling, and he tries, but he's not very good at it. He gets frustrated and hurts me a lot, and then all of a sudden he'll try to act all nice and give me cards or flowers, and I don't know how to take it. I find that, like you, I don't trust his motives. Is he being nice because he wants something, because he's seeing someone again, or what? <P>I think, for me, what it comes down to, is that I don't trust his love for me yet. In my heart of hearts, I don't believe that he really loves me and wants to have a relationship with me. To be honest, I think he didn't want to lose all his "stuff" and he would have lost some if we got divorced. <P>Also, there was a line in a song that really summed it up for me. It said that the girl in the song did not trust because she was afraid of losing it again, and boy that struck a chord with me. I am VERY afraid that I'll lose it again if I ever let someone else in, and I will never, ever be hurt like that again. <P>I'm not sure this is great advice, but I would tell him how you feel. Tell him that you think he has been very attentive and you love it, but that it kind of reminds you of the way he acted when he had his A. Now you are feeling a little shaky and you could use some reassurance about what is going on. <P>That's what I would do, and that IS what I do; unfortunately, my result is not loving reassurance. Oh well, that doesn't excuse me from doing my part. I need to be open and honest, tell him how I feel, and let him know what I need--right?<P><BR>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.