What did you do? When you saw the divorce train coming barreling down the track at full speed, did you try to slow it down or stop it? Or did you just move out the way, so it<BR>wouldn't roll over you..<P>I need you advice. I am considering calling him to meet and give him a short letter that basically states:<P> Before you lock the door and throw away the key,<BR>please consider what you are doing.<BR> Before you destroy your family, remember that the most satisfying goal of life is the nurturing of your family throuh its complete cycle of life.<BR> Remember, this is not my choice. I am only responding to what you have done...filed for d. I have to try to protect myself and children ...<P>Would you bother to say anything at this point? Or do you believe that saying nothing would have more of an impact.<BR>Perhaps, not standing in their way, that when (not if) it blows up, they can't trace it back to bs.<P>If nothing I have said or done by now (14 months since he left) and 18 months since a. began, will I be wasting my time and breath... <P>This affair is not going to die a natural death...<BR>elo<P>Help, please, help...elo

I don't know whats best, My D came very quickly and I didn;t try to stop it or write WS. I didn't want it and didn't know what to do.I am glad it was quick it forced me to look at myself and decide what had to be done for me. It helped me get on with life quicker. The door is still open if she comes out of the fog, but it doesn't look like that will happen anytime soon. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by elo:<BR><B>...This affair is not going to die a natural death...<BR>elo<P>Help, please, help...elo</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think that a good many of them do. Unfortunately it happens long after most of us are willing to keep trying or waiting. Letting go is a difficult step, but acceptance tends to ease the pain & speed the healing.<P>I still have 2 months before the STBX can file. I wish it were over now. I'm tired of waiting and I'm ready to move on.<P>At this point, I have nothing to say to her. She has never once acknowledged what she's put me through. I'll not waste effort or words on her again. She means nothing to me now.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

elo, If you feel like writing a letter, I'd do it. What can it hurt? The worst he can do is reject your attempt, which he's already doing anyway.<P>I feel the same way that you do, only there's nothing else I can think of to say that I haven't already said to him.<P>Have you read [H]'s posts on GQ? He's a WS writing about how he felt during A and coming out of the fog. It's very interesting and reminds me a lot of my H and his OW, though there's no substance abuse involved. I had thought of giving copies of his posts to my H. Don't know if they'd have any effect...

Hi Elo,<P>I've been away from MB a few days because I've been swamped with work - and working on setting up a message board similiar to this one that keeps messing up my cookies - erasing my password! So I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post to me, I saw it today and thought I'd respond here instead.<P>Elo - your husband is an alcoholic. Are you attending Al-Anon yet? That's really <B>the only answer</B> to <B>all</B> of the questions that you keep frantically presenting us with. It seems very clear to me, that you are desperately afraid, and trying desperately to get control of people and circumstances in your life. It can't happen. <P>He already knows you don't want a D. He obviously doesn't care. Because of the OW? Probably not. He has a more attractive, cunning, baffling, powerful mistress: Her name is Booze.<P>Unless he <B>chooses</B> to get help for his drinking Elo, you have no marriage to save.<P>You can save yourself and save your children. You can start attending Al-Anon and discover that there is happiness, joy, peace and serenity, regardless of the actions and behaviors of your husband, and regardless of the status of your marriage.<P>Your H's affair may not die a natural death - simply because he has found someone that creates a comfortable environment for his drinking. Trust me, that's a far bigger attraction than anything else. The normal affair rules don't apply to alcoholics.<P>There is nothing to do Elo, just protect yourself.<P>All of the "buts" and "what ifs" will not give you control and will not change anything. Acceptance is hard, but you need to do some work on that. You can get help with it by going to Al-Anon meetings so that you can find recovery for yourself. <P>Yes, you need recovery. You are sick too. Living in close proximity with alcoholism makes us sick...sometimes even sicker than the alcoholic. I know, because I was. You will see all of this from a much different perspective, and also be a much better mother to your children after only 6 months of regular Al-Anon meetings and working a 12 step program.<P>Here is where you start Elo, I'll leave the rest up to you to seek out and discover for yourself:<P>1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable. <P>2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. <P>3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. <P>(((((hugs)))))<P>--BR<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>