Well, I finally heard from my husband. The first time since we've separated. He e-mailed me and told me that he was ok and that he was still alive. He gave me his new phone number and told me the best times to call. He basically tried to convince me that I should believe this is for the best. After all he says, it is better to be unhappy now then unhappy for the next 20 years. He said some other stuff, and ended with he was hoping i was doing well and that i will get through this and in the long run it is whats best.<P>The impression I got from the letter was that he is thinking of what is only best for me. He doesn't see that what is killing me is not spending the rest of my life with him, but spending it without him. He is playing the martyr by sacrificing everything because he thinks he knows whats best. But how can a depressed man, who doesn't even know what's best for him know what's best for me? <P>He is justifying everything with stories about what our life will be like. He has no idea what the future holds and even if we had the perfect marriage now, in 20 years we could still wind up divorced.<P>How do I get through to him? He needs counseling and is afraid to go. He is throwing away our marriage because he can't see any other options. I love him and am committed to our marriage and will do what is necessary to make it work, but how do you convince someone that he doesn't really know whats the best thing for someone else?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...how do you convince someone that he doesn't really<BR>know whats the best thing for someone else?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>To answer your question, you can't... and you already answered your own question! <P>Take care of YOU, be a safe haven for your H, and love him.<P>Right now, that is your best course of action.<P>Best wishes... <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Your not alone I got the same story, WS said once you get over the hurt you will see this was best for you and you will be better off with out me. She acted like she was doing me a favor LOL. She wouldn't go to counseling or anything. I think they are afraid that someone might help them face the truth, you can't trust anything they say when they are in the fog, they will go to any length to justify and prove what they are doing is right, be patient and take care of yourself.<P>

Hi fishlady,<P>I remember being terrified of counseling while I was depressed. I had to hit a very ugly rock bottom before I was ready to get help - and even then, I went to a medical doctor - not a therapist!! Fortunately, the doctor knew I was very mentally sick, and gave me antidepressants, and encouraged me to read if I was too afraid to go to counseling.<P>I did read, and eventually went to a therapist. I flat out told the therapist on my first visit that I was afraid she'd screw me up (now, looking back, I can laugh at that statement) and she simply said, "You are an intelligent woman. Take what you like, and leave the rest."<P>I don't remember much else that she said to me. But those words were the start of my recovery. <P>Unfortunately for you, there's nothing you can do to make him see what is best for him - just as he is mistakenly sure he knows what is best for you.<P>Frankly, I think it is simply an excuse to run away, but that's what depressed people do. He's avoiding responsiblity for his choices.<P>All you can do right now is work on you. Fortunately for you, depressed people aren't real motivated It takes a lot of energy to get divorced. So unless there is another person involved, and he files, just keep the focus on you, and your part in your marriage. Check out the articles on Plan A, and start thinking about how you could do your part better. Eventually, we can pray that he will wake up, and he'll be glad that you stuck around.<P>Good luck!!<P>(((hugs))) BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>