I have posted mostly in the emotional needs section. This is a first time post here. Guess I qualify, considering we both have filed on each other and a hearing is set for two days from now. Spouse decided to turn selfish and self serving. Won't admit to mid-life crisis (if there is such a thing) that is destroying a relationship and three teenage children's lives. Yet through all of this I can say I still love the women. Either that is commendable dedication or I have really lost it. Have begun the process of thinking of myself again, much as I hate to do it. Daughter and I are making a go of it ourselves. Spouse has a TRO on me preventing me from communicating to my youngest son. Spouse's true colors are eventually going to be made evident to our children someday. Eldest son states he is nuetral, but lives with mother and has not called in over a month and a half....that hurts!. Don't expect a Father's Day call or card from him. Don't know if I can ever forgive eldest son for choosing sides. I guess I have to make that decision when it presents itself. Have good days and bad days emotionally...normal I guess. Am working hard to stop thinking about this process and of her 24 hours a day. Has been that way for 4 months now....maddening! The hardest thing is the lose of the things I really enjoyed doing for my family, cooking, cleaning, washing, guiding and hearing about there lives every day. Spouse (40) has decided to become a 22 year old girl again and party with her 20ish girlfriends. I worry about the effects it will have on our youngest son. Do the courts care...no they follow the antiquated laws. It doesn't matter when 20 years was spent with a women who neither respected nor cared about her husband. A loveless relationship from a women who never knew how to love her husband. <P>Am I bitter...Yes!!!!<BR>Have I given up...Almost<BR>Is there a women out there who I will allow into my heart again...Don't know!<BR>Am I ready for that so soon...No!<BR>What a waste!!!!!

((((((((((((Lokton1)))))))))))))<P>You are so right....What a waste!!! <P>My STBX is acting 20 again as well. Throwing away a marriage and hurting his children all so he can chase all the little girlies that come on to him.<P>I have no respect for the man he has become.

How did you emotionally get over it? Thats the hardest part, detaching yourself mentally from a person you loved, trusted and cared about for so long. And to have that same person scream and curse you for being the cause of all her emotional problems that you know she had going into the the marriage. I love being the scape goat for her bad childhood...I really do!!! (sarcasm to the extreme). She went to counseling ( I paid for it) and the counselor told her stuff like "never say your sorry, you should never be sorry for anything you do". What kind of counselor is that?<BR>Man!!! I am pissed today!!!!!

Hi Lokton, sorry you are here, but welcome anyway.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Don't know if I can ever forgive eldest son for choosing sides. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know all the details...but don't you think you ought to lay the responsiblitiy for this problem at your spouse's feet? Divorce and all the surrounding turmoil is hard enough for us as adults to navigate...but don't you think its a bit much to expect your son to have the maturity and wisdom to see things from an unbiased perspective, especially if he is being told lies and exaggerations?<P>If your wife is like my H, she simply wants to lay the blame for all the pain, suffering and confusion that your children are experiencing at your feet. She has no choice but to cause their suffering because her H is a jerk!!<P>How is a teen supposed to be able to correctly assess such an approach?<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Do the courts care...no they follow the antiquated laws.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think the laws are antiquated....I think the courts follow the laws that are written by our corrupt legislators who are often guilty of doing exactly what your wife has done or worse. Why would they write laws that gave us BS any protection and punish themselves?<P>I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. Its frustrating to be so helpless in the face of such destruction caused by another's selishness! <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I would like to think that I am emotionally detached but unfortunalty I still let STBX actions affect me. What helps me most is to read. Private Lies by Pittman is the book I refer to when I get real down and also the Road Less Traveled by Peck. I have not read it but Surviving an Affair by Harley is meant to be excellent as well. It allows you to get things into perspective. <P>Also, looking at my life without him and deciding that there were some good things to look forward to helped. In the beginning I was so angry about everything I would be losing (negatives) I looked for the things I would be gaining (positives). I also decided that I would not let my STBX define me by D me. I am a good person and I was a great wife and mother the fact that he choses to leave that is his loss. <P>Don't get me wrong I still have days of deep sadness but I can usually pull myself up faster than in the beginning.<P>Anger is good. Allow yourself to be angry, just don't let your wife see it. It will only reinforce her leaving. Don't let your OS see it it will reinforce the poison his mom is feeding him. Don't allow yourself to become bitter over all this. Don't let the bitterness eat you up....your wife will have done her job if you do. Rise above it. Work on becoming a better person. Your happiness and continued success will be your best revenge. Who knows after a few months of 20 something behavior your W may burn out and look back to see how great you are doing and come home...well we can always hope. <P>Don't write off your son yet. Let his mom work on him for awhile and perhaps he will see her true colors over time. One thing my friend told me was that when her parents D her mom bad mouthed her dad all the time. What that did was reinforce her fathers leaving. Her mom was very bitter and it created a strain on the relationship with her kids. I hate the fact that my kids like to go see daddy and have a good time with him. I want them to be loyal to me but they are young and love their dad despite the pain he has put me through. Over time though I do believe that they will understand what he has done and they won't respect him very much. He was never real involved in their lives in the first place and still places himself before them so it will only be a matter of time. <P>I wish there was more I could say to help ease your suffering. But I want to stress that you need to let your bitterness go. Find something positive in this whole mess and go from there.<P>Take Care.<BR> <BR>