It has been a little over a month since XH and I have re-opened the lines of communication and have talked about reconciling. It has been a bit bumpy but for the most part my XH's de-fogging has been wonderful and given me a ton of peace, and I hate to say but "validation" too.<P>I really feel that I have what it takes and from what my XH has said I think he too has what it takes to reconcile. Since he has just come to realization, he has alot still to deal with. Lately I've noticed and he has shared with me that he is quite depressed. He makes it perfectly clear to me that he is not missing the OW. He is depressed for the man he became, and for giving "it" all up for this OP.<P>He told me that I am his top priority no matter what happens between us (reconcile or not). He also said that I have helped him tremendously with my attitude toward him and by being so receptive to him. <P>My problem or issue is the fact that it really seems that he is cooling his jets. Taking a step back to figure out why he did what he did. I am the sort of person who doesn't do things half heartedly, I give it my all. Yes, I am in a different place than he. But since his coming back to me (in a way), I can't help but go at it full force.<P>XH asked me to stop talking to a man that I had just begun to go out with. He just couldn't handle the idea and fact that I would go out with someone else (especially a successful man like this guy is). I had no problem with this. XH worried that this man would realize what an awesome person I am (his words) and would scoop me up. Whatever!, my desire has always been to be given the chance that now lies in front of me. So, I don't have a problem with not seeing anyone else. The thing is is now XH is pulling back a bit. I feel lately that I have helped him through his depression (Lord knows he wasn't there for me), he recognizes this and told me that even if we were to stop talking he is very thankful for how I have helped him.<P>I have always been there for him, for all of the many low points in his life. Tell me if I am way off base here, but, was he just caught up in the "I am so sorry for what I did" phase. I just happened to be there and open to listen. <P>In his "step back" to figure things out, will I possibly lose him again. Should counciling start now, or what is the next step? Do I just WAIT for him to figure himself out?<P>Thanks all,<BR>Petrie<BR><p>[This message has been edited by REJECTED (edited June 13, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>I have always been there for him, for all of the many low points in his life. Tell me if I am way off base here, but, was he just caught up in the "I am so sorry for what I did" phase. I just happened to be there and open to listen.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What do you mean, you "just happened" to be there? You were his wife, weren't you? He came to you because <I>he knew he could count on you</I>. You didn't "just happen" to be the first person he thought of when he went looking for help. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>In his "step back" to figure things out, will I possibly lose him again. Should counciling start now, or what is the next step? Do I just WAIT for him to figure himself out?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yeah, you could lose him again, but that's out of your control. The only control you've got is to shut the door on him yourself, if that's what you want to do. The way things look now, I believe you would always regret it.<P>Counseling should start ASAP, IMO. If you counsel together, your initial focus doesn't have to be on trying to restore your relationship. Your role can be one of trying to understand where your XH is coming from and offering insight from your shared experiences.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by GnomeDePlume (edited June 13, 2001).]

Hi Petrie ~ <P>I'm glad for the validation you are getting out of this. I was also very lucky to get that from my H too.<P>I agree basically with Gnome - counseling for you, and just staying open to possiblities. He's right, you'll regret it if you shut the door now.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>XH asked me to stop talking to a man that I had just begun to go out with. He just couldn't handle the idea and fact that I would go out with someone else (especially a successful man like this guy is). I had no problem with this. XH worried that this man would realize what an awesome person I am (his words) and would scoop me up. Whatever!, my desire has always been to be given the chance that now lies in front of me. So, I don't have a problem with not seeing anyone else. The thing is is now XH is pulling back a bit. I feel lately that I have helped him through his depression (Lord knows he wasn't there for me), he recognizes this and told me that even if we were to stop talking he is very thankful for how I have helped him.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not going to attempt to figure out what your X's intentions and motivations are here. He's obviously struggling with depression and needs professional guidance for himself.<P>But the thought came to me...ok...fine, he wants you to stop dating because he is afraid of you getting what you deserve...a decent man. He's not saying to you, "Petrie, I'm going to become a man worthy of your love, and here's what I am going to do." He's saying "Stay with me, make it comfortable for me to live with my decision to divorce you."<P>He probably is deeply regretting his decision to divorce you, and maybe he hopes to reconcile. I hope for your sake that he does. But he needs to get help before he is ready to participate in a relationship again.<P>I just kinda get the feeling that he wants your love, wants control over your life...and doesn't want to let go of you...but doesn't want to actually do what it takes to have a marriage or a committed relationship.<P>If he gets help for his depression, maybe you will have an opportunity. <P>Leave the doors open and just see what happens. What's your rush, right? The worst already happened and you survived! <P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Thank you Gnome and Bramble,<BR>terrific advise.<BR>Counceling, counceling, counceling!!!!<BR>Bramble, you totally hit the nail on the head with XH wanting control, deeply regretting divorcing me, etc.<P>So true too, about not needing to rush anything. I (we) need to take this slow. I have to admit I am an impatient person! <P>I will leave the doors open.<BR>A friend of mine just gave me information on a great councelor who helped her marriage. <P>Thanks again!

Rejected:<P>I agree with the others. Get counseling now. Is he willing to do this? My therapist told me that if my x ever wanted to try again (and I wanted to as well at that point)that I shouldn't even go out with him until he had been to counseling on his own to work out his issues. And, after that, if there was a mutual desire for reconcilliation, he recommended couple counseling for quite some time before we even went out on a date or anything.

OK, For the most part I agreee on the counseling issue. Without question he should go, and you should go, not together right now as that time will come. I wanted to make a comment about your husband pulling back alittle. <P>As I read your post I tried to put myself in the X's shoes. and asked myself what would (I) be doing if I acted like this. And I only came up with one throught, and that was I'm growing. <P>Please no flames.... It has almost to complete predectability my way of doing things and recovering from a screw up on my part.. Lets say I screwed up, BIG TIME. I know I did, You know I did. I don't want this to happen again so I look into myself to ANALize what happened. I take everything apart, right down to the individual pieces. I talk about the highlights of the problem as reality checks. But not so deep that it could threaten my thought process. As I come to a self aware understanding of MY PROBLEM, I start looking for reassurance and become threatened my an outside source (The man you are/were dating).<P>Now this being said I have a few more things to say.<BR>1.) This is my way of doing mental recovery and may not be his or anybody elses.<BR>2.) This technique has a all or nothing terminal flaw. You either grow from the experience or it becomes a total failure. If I don't have all the correct information to start with the missed info is a loss cannon waiting to dash everything you just thought was going great. <BR>3.) This type of thought process absolutley requires communication and alot of it. <BR>4.) It requires complete honesty on my part, both inwardly and outwardly.<BR>5.) I can fool myself very EZly.<P>So in the long run its an all or nothing from a fix it perspective, and hence the need for counseling. <P>My .02$<P>TEX<P>

Thanks for your perspective Tex!<BR>I am kind of trying to get into XH's head and I thank you for the help.<P>Petrie<BR>