Need Advice - I proposed to my girfriend about a year ago, we were to be married in June of 1999. About three weeks ago , she decided that we are not ready to be married, We need to go find ourselves in this world. She does not want to be engaged right now, she want to get away, needs some space. She does not want to give the ring back ? What should I do and how can I handle this situation ? Any advice would be great appreciated. Thanks

I’m not quite sure if you want her back or the ring. But, I’m also not sure you have much choice in the matter with respect to her. If she needs to “find herself” then by all means let her find herself. I assume you’ve done all you could to reason with her. And don’t you just love the expression “I need space” ?? Although I can’t speak for your situation, for me it meant “I’m curious about this other person I met.” So be warned: my response is shaded by my experience!!<BR> <BR>So, having said all that, IMOHO, an engagement ring is a symbol of a pledge and a promise to marry. It’s NOT a gift. You need to insist on the ring’s return (as politely as possible especially at first). If she “does not want to get engaged right now” then she has at least a moral obligation to return the ring. <P>And in some states, courts have ruled on this sort of thing (NJ is one such State.) There’s a good chance you’ll get this information with some creative web-surfing. Even better if you have any lawyer friends with access to those legal-search tools and can find a court decision. <P>This may help if she remains defiant. Mailing her a copy of the precedent case with a short polite request note (with a deadline) worked for me. Of course you’re burning your bridges, but anyone who would try to keep the ring is a class-A skank in my opinion.<P>I’m not a lawyer but I have been in your shoes. In fact, I think MY amusing saga from last Fall may still be posted out on this server. <P>In summary, call me cynical but I believe that anyone who says “I need space” or needs to “find” herself is already gone. She is unlikely to change unless and until she realizes YOU are gone. This could take months or years or never. And yes the situation does suck and I do have some idea of what you’re going through. <P>I hope I interpreted your question correctly and if so I hope this helps. <BR>

DavefromNj-<BR>Thanks for your reply. Last night I got the ring and she told me if I do not give the ring back, she was gone forever ! I tried to tell her that for us to get back to where we once were, before we were engagaed it was neccesarry to let me hold the ring, shs didnt want to hear that, she says she wants the ring to remind her of us. I told her she cannot have it both ways, she wants the ring but dosent want to be engageed or evrn a boyfriend/girlfriend relationhsip. I told her that the ring was important to me also and why does it make a difference who keeps the ring. With that she said give it back then ! She says its not about the money, and that the only reason I want it. I told her I am not going to do anything with the ring and I will prove it to her if she wants to know, I even suggested a mutual friend hold the ring, No dice ! Hopefully she will see that her demanding the ring, with no implied committment was mean and hateful and maybe someday I will ask her again ??? WHo knows Thanks.

Just morbid curiosity guys but I've been thinking about this one. <P>I totally agree it's right to give an engagement ring back if the engagement is broken but what can you do with it once you have it back? (Not worth even a fraction of what it is worthy if you hock it, probably don't really want to look at the thing either)<P>I'm just curious. (I'm a woman so I'm not in this situation)

Kbear - You are right, I really do not want the ring, I would rather have her. I guess in my case, if it doesnt work out, after giving it time to heal and love again, thenI will have no choice but to sell the ring ? In my opinion the "real value" of the ring is the emotional value, the symbol of love and committment. I guess I am somewhat hypicritical... if it was the love and committment value, then why did I pay so much for it ? I want to get a ring that was as beautiful as her and our relationship. Maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea, I should have just asked with a ring rather than a RING !<BR>Hope this helps. Thanks

No, doesn't sound hypocritical. I was just curious.

Just a tidbit here from my own past experience, but it seems to me that she wanted just the RING all along!! First, I must ask, how old are you guys? How long have you been dating? And, are a lot of HER friends getting engaged/married right about now? If so...<BR>She wants the ring, but to get the ring, she's got to get the proposal. Hmm, what a dilemma! So she fools herself into thinking she REALLLLY wants to be married right now, to YOU, and things are going good, yadda yadda yadda...<BR>Then she gets the ring, REALITY of a marriage looming in the distance SMACKS her in the face, and suddenly, she's not so sure anymore...<BR>But damn, she REALLY loves that beautiful ring. Doesn't quite want to give that up yet. It's SOOOOO beautiful and shiny, and it says to everyone "I'm WANTED, someone wants to marry ME!!" Very ego assuaging. <BR>Let me tell you from experience. When I was in my late teens, like 19 or so, I thought I wanted to get married too. I loved the guy, even though we had a lot of problems. We were both immature. But I was SURE I wanted to GET MARRIED!!! AH!!! But, once I got that ring, WHOOOOOOAHHH!!! Sure, it was beautiful...I really loved it. Suddenly though, I wasn't so sure about the commitment that was implied by that ring; it's mystery lost some of it's power. Once I realized this, I broke off the relationship. I did give the ring back, but I realized before I did that it was the ring I wanted more than the actual commitment. A lot of my friends were getting engaged, or already married, and boy I guess deep down I felt LEFT OUT. Now, that's a good reason to get married, let me tell ya...LOL!!! <BR>My advice to you? Do what you want with the ring, but get rid of the girl. She only wants the ring. TRUST me.

Tommywife - I am 33 and she is 25. We were dating 9 months and engaged one year, with the wedding planned in June. I now have the ring and she seems to think she/we pushed the panic button too early...meaning she wants to get back to the way its been, living together etc. Part of me wants that but the other part wants to let her do her one thing, if its right then it will be right 5 months from now . She says her /our life is boring, no fun. I think her immaturity is showing, but she doesnt want to hear that. Of course we do not do the same things we did when we were frst dating and everyday will not be a party. This is now life...Job, bills, health, friends, yadda yadda.. I guess she was expecting more out of living together and marriage ? Any advice ? We live in a great city, we/I have an Awesome loft condo and we travel all over the US. I want her to see commitment and marriage is something that you have to work at all the time. It will be hard, and not always a party. Thanks

My advice to you would be to postpone this wedding, at least for the time being. It might be a better plan to wait for a while and make sure that BOTH of you really want to be married, that you are both as ready for this as you can be. It sounds to me like she definitely has some maturing to do before you can count on having her as a real partner in marriage. Best of luck to you...

I agree with tommywife, I believe you should postpone the wedding. This girl does not sound like she knows what she wants at all! And to enter into a marriage with someone like that, before these issues are resolved, would be foolhardy.<P>As far as the ring goes, I am glad she did give it back to you. One comment you made was right on the money - you said she wanted it both ways; to have the ring and the "possibility" of future engagement - as well as to have her freedom and space. Well, you cannot have it both ways.<P>My feeling is that she is suddenly being faced with the enormity of the situation - marriage. This facing the fact that "once we do this, that is it - this is what my life is, this is who I will be with, for the rest of my life." You know, even when someone really loves and WANTS the person they are to marry, that is still a scary thought! It is a big deal, and I guess on the one hand it is better that she is revealing her feelings to you, rather than just going ahead anyway with feelings of trepidation or doubt.<P>I feel that you should suggest to her that with all these recent events, it is apparent to you that she needs some space. You also might want to point out that you are not a yo-yo - engaged one day, not the next, oops the next day she wants to be engaged again!<P>I would definitely take some time off from this relationship. Not necessarily dating other people, just time. If you are meant to be and it is just typical cold feet, you will return to each other. If not, you have saved yourself a grave mistake and a lot of heartache.

Tommywife/Shelleyseal - Thanks ,those are great words of advice. Hopefully things will work out. I will keep in touch.

TDD,<P> As I understand it, if you call it off, you forfeit the right. If she calls it off - which she seems to have done, she gives back the ring. <P> On the other hand, I have heard of the engagement reing being given as a gift - that is - as a gift, she has no obligation to return it. (as any other gift)<P> I do believe that in the case of a woman calling it off, courts have ruled that the ring goes back to the guy.<P> Regardless of what the thing cost, any financial loss will be far overshadowed by the emotional loss you will experience. <P>Best wishes,<BR>Val (the Husband)