Hi Bramble rose,<BR>I'm having a bad bad day, and need to talk to someone! I don't know if you ever went back to my last post too you, but I did come back to thank you very very very much for all the advise you had for me, it really was important too me.<BR>Last sunday was my twins 5th birthday. Saturday night I spoke to h who was working, he said I'll be home shortly, blah blah. He still was not home at 7.10 AM when the kids woke up. They opened all there presents without him, while I had a quiet panic attack about what if he's hurt, etc. Then he rung. Said he was on his way home, that he had been held in jail overnight. He had been stopped at a check point and having had 3 cans of beer was over the legal limit, so they took him to the police station for further testing. That came back negative, but they put him in the drunk tank for the night anyway, saying they thought he was under the influence of another substance (ie drugs, which he does not do) and held him for the night. Pathetic as this may seem I was happy, yee ha, he got such a fright, maybe he won't drink and drive anymore!!!! NOT!! Last night he went for a drink with his friends, then phoned me at 2.30am to ask me to pick him up, he was very very drunk and had driven most of the way home, (we live in the country quite a way from town) then decided he shouldn't be driving. I didn't go get him, he had got himself that far as far as I was concerned it was his problem. So he drove home, came to bed and snored his revolting drunken head off, so much so that I ended up getting in one of the kids beds to get some sleep.<BR>Today I am tired, physically, mentally and any other way any one can be tired. I am disappointed. I had hoped that saturday nights experience may be a turning point. Stupid me. I can't change him, it's not my fault, I didn't cause it, those things you told me did help me so much. But.. What now bramble rose, what do I do???? He's never ever going to wake up. Today he is so sorry, discusted in himself, all the standard stuff.<P>I've been back to the counciller alone, she tells me I need to be cruel to be kind, and leave. Why don't I have the strength to do this? What is it going to take to get this strength? I feel so useless and weak and discusted with myself. Why haven't I got the strength to leave him??????<P>I don't trust him, I can't trust him, he seems to be trying so hard, but stuffs it up every single wednesday night (drinking night at social club) He's done the ow thing, <BR>whats wrong with me????<P>Sorry, venting and feeling very sorry for myself I suppose.<BR>Things seem so hopeless, I don't want to leave him, I want him to see the light, and it's not happening, and won't happen. <P>Thanks for listening, any advise appreciated!!

Hi <B>Heartsore</B> ~<P>Yes I did go back and read your response - it just came at a time and on a day that I was very busy. I'm sorry that I didn't respond further, I've got a brand new baby and 2 older boys to care for, plus I'm trying to establish myself as a freelance contractor out of my home. Life is just a tad.....full! I lose track or get distracted pretty easily. I'm like a little kid, I have to constantly remind myself to stay on task <P>Anyway...<P>What do you do?<P>You get yourself into Al-Anon and spend 6 months before you make any life altering decisions. Go to as many meetings as you can possibly make it to. Get a sponsor. Change has to start with you.<P>I'm not going to encourage you to "leave the bum". I'm going to encourage you to get help for yourself, clear your head a bit and get your feet back under yourself emotionally before you do anything.<P>Sometimes, when we learn to change ourselves, when we change the "dance" of dependency that we dance with the alcoholic....they get better too. Sometimes they don't. There is absolutely no way to know where your H's bottom is or what would cause him to want to change and get help.<P>Regardless of what he does, 6 months of 12 step work will make you into a new person. You will be able to make these decisions with a clearer mind.<P>Why can't you leave him now? Because you aren't ready. And that's OK. I don't know what the answer is for you, you are going to have to find it for yourself, and the only way that I know how to do that is through the 12 steps.<P>Did I leave my husband? No. I asked HIM to leave, rather than turn MY life and the children's lives upside down. But you know what? I tried many times before that to force a solution...and my sick answer then was always for me to leave.<P>Now I realize how crazy my thinking was. I didn't want to inconvenience him - so I had planned to cram me and my kids into a tiny apartment - I also didn't think it was right to ask for his financial support - so I was trying to figure out how to work to support all of us....I didn't want to cause him financial distress!!<P>I was very sick, and didn't even realize it. I thought what I was planning was quite normal and appropriate. It took me a year and a half in Al-Anon before I was able to decide what I needed to do, and how to do it in a sane fashion. Even then, let me tell you, it hurts like you wouldn't believe.<P>For months, people had been telling me to kick him out. After I asked him to move out (I asked, didn't kick) and his behavior got even more outrageous, I was encouraged by many people, including his OWN family members, to divorce him. I learned by then, that I was the only person that could decide when and what to do, and what "they" thought I should do didn't matter.<P>Eventually, it did get to a point that I made that decision, and the sighs of relief and the cheers of my friends and his family was almost audible. But you know what? It wasn't their decision, and to have done it on their terms would have hurt me and been incredibly destructive. <P>I needed my sponsor and my other Al-Anon friends when time came for my H to move out. He went running straight into the arms of his OW. The pain of knowing that my asking him to go was "permission" in the eyes of my H to have an affair was horrible. Even worse, was discovering 2 weeks later that I was pregnant. <P>I could not have survived my separation, especially the first few months, without the clarity of the 12 steps, and love and support of my friendships in the program that helped keep my thinking straight.<P>Without them, I would have been back on my knees in less than a month, crying and begging him to come home at any cost.<P>So before you make a decision like this, you need to have your support network in place, and understand very clearly what you are doing.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Things seem so hopeless, I don't want to leave him, I want him to see the light, and it's not happening, and won't happen. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>See....I know exactly how you feel when you wrote this, because I've been there. I still go there at times. But let me tell what I see in those words now that I have a few years of 12 step work under my belt....<P>"I want"..."I want"...and if I don't get what "I want" I can't be happy.<P>Self-will and denial of reality are such insidious character defects that creep into our thinking, especially when we are living in the presence of active alcoholism.<P>"I want" simply means that you know best, and your frustration comes when those around you don't just bow to your wants.<P>Serenity comes when we stop "wanting" and start living...giving those things up to our Higher Power that we can not control. But first there has to be an acknowledgement of our lack of power...that's why its the first step. We learn to base our happiness on ourselves, rather than the actions of others.<P>The only thing wrong with you is alcoholism. The only way to fix it is through the 12 steps.<P>Please go get help for yourself before you make any other decisions.<P>((((hugs))))<P>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>