STBX is going to have the kids Monday afternoon through Wednesday morning. Thing is, there are several things going on for D during this time...end of the year soccer party and starting her new dance classes. <P>Here is the deal. I have no desire to speak to STBX or see his face I would rather avoid all contact. My D wants me to be at these events and I have always been the one to take the kids to all these things. I have never not been there so I said that I would go.<P>I want to be able to be as civil as possible for the kids but how how how can this wall I have erected to protect myself emotionally from him be taken down? <P>I guess I just need to dig really deep in myself and find the strength.<P>I also plan on keeping myself busy with little tasks such as reading and letter writing while I am around him. I want to limit any need/opportunity for conversation. I guess I want him to get the message that since he has chosen to D me that it will be a total severance of the relationship. Communication about the children only. I asked for this in a phone conversation a couple of months ago but he does not respect the bounderies I set. Should I write a letter? I know that makes me sound shrewish and maybe in a few months I will feel differently. Right now for my healing this is were I am.<P>I just need to get through this and then I won't have to see him for 5 weeks!<P>I guess I would like some pointers, ideas and such from all of you. I think a lot of this is my pride and that is not necessarily a good thing so attitude adjustment advice will be helpful as well.<P>Thanks.<P><BR>

HopelessinAZ,<P>I'm in the same boat as you on this one. Right now, for whatever reason, I want nothing to do with my stbxw. Problem is she won't take the hint. Last night after ball practice, I swear she followed me like a lost puppy only difference is that she was seeking an arguement, I guess to boost her ego and hide her guilt. I was civil, I refused to argue, I never even looked her in the eyes and after about 15 minutes of this I finally just left.<P>Got side tracked sorry. Point being we are going to have to deal with them for a long time, even when we don't feel like it. Go to your events to enjoy your daughter as your sole purpose and just put on a pleasant face if the stbx comes around. <P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

HAZ,<P>Hi friend. Been there, still doing that.<P>Go to your children's events...they need both parents there even if both parents don't need each other there. For their sakes, you suck it up. <P>Now, with that being said, you also do what you need to do to survive these little encounters...especially if the OW gets brought in tow (which I refer to as "the Ex and Bimbo show"). Sit far, far away keeping him/them out of your sight line if at all possible...and resist the temptation to see what he/they are up to with all your might. Pretend he is just another parent who came to see some other kid.<P>HAZ, the high road really sucks most of the time, but, as a friend once told me, the view is pretty good from there. Take it.<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>I am woman...hear me roar...okay - meow...okay - purr? Hey, I'm working on it.

I recently had to go through this with niece's graduation. H wasn't even supposed to be there because I have a restraining order and niece didn't even want him there. And, he brought the OW even though his parents were there, too.<P>From my experience, I'd recommend bringing a friend. It really helped to have someone to lean on. My H didn't even stay for the whole event, but it was still devastating for me so I really sympathize with your dilemma.

LostHusband,<P>Ha, I knew someone else had the same problem going. XW (liar and cheater) calls almost every day she doesn't have our daughter. Why? She's miserable and looking for a fight. I guess things aren't so rosey with the OM and she is really missing our daughter. See, the OM can't fill that hole in her. (She can see our daughter any time she wants, I always let her) She's just mad that she can't take our daughter and move over by the OM. I have primary custody. I don't argue. I just hang up or walk away. I ALWAYS do my absolute best to be civil for my daughter's sake. Damn the fogged-brained Xs make this so hard.<P>On*My*Own<P>I refer to my X and the OM as Dumb and Dumber.<P>Kevin<P>

Good Morning Hope,<P>These things are never easy, but you may already have the skills to do this. Just follow three easly steps: 1. Focus, 2. Focus, and most important, 3. Focus! No one ever sat down at a piano and played Rhaposody in Blue perfectly the first time. It takes practice and with practice, it gets easier and easier. Expect to make mistakes, it isn't going to work the first time. To demonstrate: <P>Try this scenario, admittedly an extreme example. Think of your favorite sex symbol heart throb celebrity, maybe Garth Brooks, Back Street Boys, In Sync, whoever makes your boat float, someone you have admired and wanted to see in person for years. You save up and buy tickets for seats in the first row for a concert featuring the heart throb. As the star appears on stage, the person seated next to you tries to engage you in conversation by mentioning that he is writing a thesis on the social significance of life inside of a ping pong ball.<P>Would you let this person distract you from the concert, or would you say something like: "I really don't care to discuss it.", or "This isn't the time or the place for that."? If the person persists, wouldn't you say something like, "I came to listen to the concert, not to you!", or "I heard you the first time, now I'm ignoring you!" and finally, if necessary, "**** off, nerd!" Conversation does require two.<P>Note here, when your daughter takes to the soccer field, she is the most important clebrity in your life, and you are her biggest fan. This is your only chance, there is no dress rehearsal for children growing up.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HopelessinAZ:<BR><B> Communication about the children only. I asked for this in a phone conversation a couple of months ago but he does not respect the bounderies I set. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hope, unless there is more to this, that is not at all surprising. There are three steps to make your boundaries effective. After you set a boundary, you must communicate it, continually reinforce it and continually <B>rigorously stick to it yourself. </B> If you don't do the whole act, it doesn't have a prayer of working. You can't control what your STBX does, you can't control how he reacts. The nice thing about this is you don't have to. All you have to do is control what you do and say. <P>There is a time and place for sarcasm. If your STBX wants to know why you don't want to talk to him, try something like: "Because we are getting divorced." (split second pause, bat eyelashes) "I thought you knew that, it was in all the papers!" Then just ignor him and get back to the event starring you daughter.<P>The point I'm trying to make here, is to try to change your focus so that for these few hours, your daughter is the center of attention, not you, not STBX, not the new squeeze. Sometimes taking things out of context can reveal interesting insights. This is going to be brutal but take a look at what you wrote in your opening post on this thread.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HopelessinAZ:<BR><B> I have... I would rather... My D wants me... I have always ... I have never... I said that... I would go... I want... I have erected... I guess... I just... I also plan ... while I am around ... I want... I guess... I want... I asked... I set.. Should I... I know ... makes me... I will feel... my healing... I am... I just need... I won't... I guess... I would like... I think... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>By now you have noticed that there are a lot of "I"s in that post. The reader has a hard time finding your daughter in there. <P>From reading your post, it looks like this ball is in your court. It is up to you to choose what is more important. You must choose whether to focus on cheering your daughter or to focus on interacting with your ex.<P>Now, please, just for a second, let the great man speak:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B>Every moment comes to you pregnant with devine purpose. Once it leaves your hands and your power to do with it as you please, it plunges into eternity, to remain forever what you made it. .................... Fulton J. Sheen</B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Hope, please, don't miss this time with your daughter.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hope}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bumperii (edited June 14, 2001).]

Thanks Bumperii,<P>After posting I knew that I was focusing on myself. Bad ME!!<P>I just want to prepare myself mentally to be strong here. As you said the focus here is on my D and S. They are my first priorities. <P>My daughter said something last night that made me rethink how I have been acting lately. Mom, she said, I will always follow in your footsteps! The past couple of weeks have been hard but her saying this made it clear that for my children I need to learn how to handle these things with dignity intact. <P>I know I did a bad job last weekend and don't want to make that mistake again.<P>Thanks so much for your wise words. I was hoping you would repond!! <P>ps I still used the "I" word a lot!! <P>

Hope, <P>It's OK, you are growing just like the rest of us. Bye the bye, I think you're a great gal. Your honesty and candor really contribute a lot to this forum. You help a lot of people with your posts.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper.

Thank you for your kind words.

Well, here's how I survived my son's end-of-the-year soccer game/pizza party. I hung out with the other mommies and did the girlfriend thing (I even prearranged this). I tried to make sure I was never, ever alone because this man has the ability to cut me to the quick in rapid-fire succession, and I did not want to try my hand at fending off abuse and prompts for arguments. There is no sucking it up and being a good girl around this man. For me, that would be emotional suicide. I did not converse, nor did I seek his company. He did manage to get me alone while I was walking across the field (abusers prefer an audience of one), and he asked me some direct questions, to which I gave direct answers with as few words as possible. I did not give him the attention he sought, and he quickly gave up. My son knows we are divorcing, and he has been through too much with us together in the past that the individual attention he gets now is much better. I do whatever I can to nurture our son's love for his dad, and I see that they spend as much time as my husband requests.<P>Outside of that, there are no phone calls, no letters, and no email. He is not my friend. He will not be my friend. He chooses addictions over his marriage and his family. He feels justified having all his myriad affairs. He prefers the pummeling of verbal/emotional assaults ("debates") to win even the simplest of discourses. He's lucky I never filed an injunction, because he's hit me and committed sexual battery. I'm sure someday I will be able to maintain a conversation with him, but we are in the thick of a contentious divorce, and the least said to each other the better right now.<P>Nell

Hi HopeAZ,<P>Wanted to see how you are doing. Guess another hurdle to overcome. Your children's needs and interest do come before those in the fog. I know you can do it, just not too sure about your H. So the idea of taking a friend(s) sounds like good protection for your ENs. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

HopeAz:<P>Just experienced a similar situation at picnic day for the family for D kdg party. I took youngest 2, D came with friend, H showed up with food for himself and D. SAT on my BLANKET and wanted to know if I minded. I said whatever but I didn't speak to him or look at him. I had my sunglasses on, they help hide my eyes (the windows to my soul).<P>It absolutley sucked. Neighbor "friends" came over and he talked to H and she to me. I don't want people to think that I am happy about this at all because I am not.<P>My therapist told me that I should be working on the phrase " He isn't good enough FOR ME, not that I am not good enough for him. <P>hopelessmom