All right, <BR>Been a long time since I've posted, was kinda feelin up to it for a while. Here's my take on some people. My XW no longer can control me, but damn if she still can't make me uncomfortable. It feels so GOOD to be away from her. I figure right now she's trying to find another guy to fool with her games, and pull in so he takes care of her. That's my guess, she did it to me and a previous guy. <BR> To give you all some backround we were married for 5.5 years, I saw things going down the toilet, she was looking to move out, I got her to go to counseling initially, things improved slightly, there was serious evidence she had a affair, she quit counseling, said the all too common "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" I continued counseling, realized wife had some serious damage in her past due to abuse, counselor explained that was why wife wouldn't continue couseling, that XW would have to come clean, to face herself, to realize she needed to face her problems. Once I hit the wall I finally filed last October, moved out in December. Up to the very end I let her know she only had to try, that I would be there, that I would make every effort. Unfortunately, her mother I think has convinced her "What's best" It used to piss me off, I know her parents were the start of XW's emotional problems her father sexually abused her and the wounds were covered up. Divorce was final last month. I broke all contact with X unlisted home # and cell, no calls no letters except official divorce documentation which was always cold and to the point. She said she wanted to stay friends, I just said no way. I felt I couldn't keep a friend that lied and hid things from me, funny she told me she couldn't trust me, even though I was always completely open and honest. <P> My last phone call was after I moved out, I took just the essentials for me, I left pretty much everything else. She then ransacked the house for her needs, I came back and cleaned the entire place(it was for sale and certainly wouldn't sell in the condition she left it), threw out everything else, and placed all her remaining things neatly stacked in the garage. I fixed a water heater, called her and told her she had 2 weeks to remove her things from the garage or they would be hauled off to the dump. I mean, the end had to occur. She was pissed, wanted to know why it had to be so ugly, I calmly stated that it was just finality, that things end. She then tried to get me to argue, said that I was just doing what I wanted to do like I always did. I told her we both knew that was not true, that I had flexed and bent to accomodate her and to the end would continue. I mean I was starting a new career as a airline pilot, I picked a airline that would let me commute, so we could live in the city she had a job in and I'd commute to my job by air. Is that not trying?<BR> So here it is 6 months later she sent me some of my mail that got sent to her address wants me to split one last bill from the old house, I don't even want to reply, I mean I had to pay lots of money to fix the house up to sell. I never asked her to split that.<BR> So while one of the greatest feelings for me was moving to the state I now live in, starting a new job, I still have thoughts. I don't want to get back together, I know that would never work. I just hate the feeling I got when she sent me the stuff in the mail. It was weird, She still bugs me. I know she took her maiden name back in the divorce, but she used her married name on the package she sent me. Why, I have no damn idea, I had hoped she would not keep my name, I never expressed that to her, just wanted that. I've been dating other women successfully after I left. No troubles there, I realized long ago that I had LOTS to offer the right girl. <BR> I have to state that Plan A/B does not work in a lot of situations, I tried. I got used, badly. I thought I set barriers, but if you truly love someone, you will want to give them all of yourself, barriers are just not always possible sometimes. You have to hit that wall, and wakeup. You can in essence be in a fog, just like your Spouse. When you wake up you will see what a damn fool you have become, you will see that you are lying to yourself, you will begin to love yourself again, to respect who you are. You must move on. When that point occurs, it's best to surround yourself with friends, mine helped me to keep from being real ugly. It was bad enough when I took my things out, but when I was driving down the interstate with all my gear in a small moving truck, heading to my new job, and my new home,I FELT SO ALIVE, SO FREE. I felt I had made that turn in my life for the better, and I can only say that EVERYTHING is going exactly according to the Plan I set for my future. So my take is some people don't see Plan A and B for what they are, they will use you, and you will hurt. Listen to your closest friends, your mentors in life that you trust, people with pure character. They can help. I thank God that I had some friends that helped me see what the truth really was.<BR>As for my X, I don't hate her, I don't even lay fault, I just can't wait for there to be no feelings whatsoever. That will come I know. Just damn glad I did it.

Amen,<P>Had to reply...my W is similar background but mentally worse. HAs accused me of horrendous things (and we have kids no less). Anyway, Plan A/B is great for those who are "mentally healthy". <P>I know what you mean about lying to yourself. After I saw attorney, I still went back and forth for the next six hours until another bomb was dropped and that cinched it. I guess my sick part of it is...if she would get serious help and commit too working on our relationship...I would probably go back...intact family means that much.<P>sour

Sourman,<BR>Hey guy don't despair, the way I see it it's kind of like having surgery to fix a problem. Yeah sure it hurts for a while, but are you willing to live the rest of your life with a problem that is going to slow you down and hurt the rest of your life. HELL NO. You, and your kids deserve better than that. One thing I do highly recommend is to get some counseling for YOU. That way you will see that what you are doing is not just being done because you are angry. You are getting a divorce because, while you love your spouse, you love yourself and your children too. It mean't so much to me as a guy to have a trained psychologist tell me the truth for what it was, that as much as I loved my XW there wasn't a damn thing I could do to make any difference. They have to want help. I know that's tough for us guys, we have a A+B=C mentality. We think if we put our minds to it we can accomplish anything. Well I found that wasn't the case with my XW. I couldn't make any real difference, the fog was real deep and she would only listen to her friends, and her mother, not to her own heart. So in essence I made the decision for her, it was sad, later she said,"Well your'e the one who filed". That sort of summed it up for me. She wanted to be able to say I was the bad guy. <BR> It shows me a lot when you say intact family means so much to you. I respect that. Tells me that you really care. I'm not sure what your wife has accused you of, but think about it, if you wanted to go to counseling, and asked her to go, and she won't go... well I just see a pattern here. It's as if all of us who give a hoot and are mature, well we are willing to go to whatever length to make matters work. All of the selfish self centered ones say no, they close down, take advantage of Plan A, and just wait us out to be miserable enough to file. <BR> That really sucks, but as I have said, Don't Despair. Surround yourself with strong people with good character, get yourself some counseling to work on you, realize that you are going to go thru with this, accept it and move forward, Don't wallow in the past, it'll only hurt, any time you catch yourself doing that, say out loud or think the word,"STOP". Then focus on your future. It's amazing but it does work.<BR>Good luck,<BR>Skyhigh