Apologies to rural dwellers <P>You might be a redneck if...<BR> <BR>You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. <P>Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow. But she can't touch it until she's fourteen. <P>Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction. <P>You think Possum is "The Other White Meat" <P>You carry a fishing pole into Sea World. <P>You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop. <P>You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels. <P>You think safe sex is a padded headboard. <P>You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." <P>You think watching professional wrestling is foreplay. <P>The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.<P>You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..." <P>You think fast food is hitting a possum at 65 mph.<P>You take a six-pack cooler to church. <P>You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. <P>A seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. <P>One of your kids was born on a pool table. <P>You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. <P>You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. <P>You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado. <P>You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. <P>You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. <P>Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. <P>Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." <P>You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. <P>The FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year. <P>You use a NASCAR credit card. <P>You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. <P>Anyone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!". <P>Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. <P>The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. <P>Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." <P>Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. <P>You no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose. <P>You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. <P>Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. <P>Your high school basketball game got rained out. <P>You're banned from the Memphis Zoo because you disturb the monkeys. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited June 15, 2001).]

ROFLMAO...........I needed that........hehehehehe

Male bashing one liners<P>WHAT CAN A BIRD DO THAT A MAN CAN'T? <BR>Whistle through its pecker. <P>WHY DID THE MAN CROSS THE ROAD? <BR>He heard the chicken was a slut. <P>WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? <BR>They don't have time. <P>WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?<BR>They won't stop to ask directions. <P>WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? <BR>Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. <P>WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?<BR>Because they don't have penises to keep them in. <P>WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?<BR>They're intended for children, but the men usually end up playing with them. <P>WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE? <BR>It's sex with someone they love. <P>WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?<BR>So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. <P>WHY DID GOD MAKE MAN BEFORE WOMAN?<BR>You need a rough draft before you have the final copy. <P>WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND THEIR SPERM WHITE?<BR>So they can tell if they're coming or going. <P>HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?<BR>Nobody knows. It hasn't happened yet. <BR>

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. <BR>"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. <BR>This is an experimental procedure. <BR>It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, <BR>and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." <BR>"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. <BR>"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." <BR>Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, <BR>but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. <BR>A few actually smirked. <BR>But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, <BR>"Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" <BR>"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. <BR>"Women's brains have to be marked down <BR>because they have actually been used."

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. <BR> <BR>One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. <BR> <BR>"Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." <P>He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. <BR> <BR>Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His <BR>girlfriend was thrown clear but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. <P>"I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. <P>"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. <BR> <BR>So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. <BR> <BR>Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. <BR> <BR>"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" <BR> <BR>The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

cOOker, I am not a bona fide “Redneck” but I consider mine well tanned and I do live in a town full of Redneck’s. I don’t take offense to any of your comments but some of them need additional info.<P>You might be a redneck if...<BR> <BR>You think Possum is "The Other White Meat" <BR>Why off the point here – Rabbit and Squirrel are the other white meats. Possum is more like beef.<P>You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the mens' room at the Flying J Truck Stop. <BR>Thanks for the advice on that one. The Flying J is just up the street. I’ll be visiting it shortly.<P>You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." <BR>Are you implying that that those aren’t the last words.<P>You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time time call..." <BR>Scratch it off hell I wrote it.<P>You take a six-pack cooler to church. <BR>You ain’t ever gonna catch a redneck with only a six pack cooler. Most of them I know have mini frig’s in their trucks.<P>Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. <BR>Wrong on this one. The spool is the dining room table. Milk crates and a piece of wood make up the coffee table.<P>I think you need to do some more research <BR>

Bad to Worse<P>Bad: You find a porno movie in your son's room.<BR>Worse: You're in it.<P>Bad: Your children are sexually active.<BR>Worse: With each other.<P>Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.<BR>Worse: She's a lawyer.<P>Bad: Your wife's leaving you.<BR>Worse: For another woman.<P>Bad: You can't find your vibrator.<BR>Worse: Your son "borrowed" it.<P>Bad: Your unit only measures out to be 2 inches long.<BR>Worse: Erect!!!<P>Good: Hot outdoor sex.<BR>Bad: You're arrested.<BR>Worse: By your wife.<P>Good: You came home for a quickie.<BR>Bad: Your wife walks in unexpectedly.<P>Good: You go to see a strip show.<BR>Bad: Your daughter's the headline.<P>Good: Your boyfriend's on a diet.<BR>Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.<P>Good: Your daughter practices safe sex.<BR>Bad: She's eleven.<P>Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.<BR>Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.<P>Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.<BR>Bad: She's coming home.<P>Good: Your wife just experienced her first orgasm.<BR>Bad: With the postman.<P>Good: Your wife's got a flat stomach.<BR>Bad: And a matching chest.<P>Good: Your wife's got large breasts.<BR>Bad: And a matching a$$. <P>Good: Your girlfriend's got soft, long, blonde hair. <BR>Bad: Under her arms. <P>Good: Your daughter's boss raves about her work. <BR>Bad: He's a pimp.<P>