I have a dilemma I need some advice on.<P>After 18 years of marriage my wife wanted a seperation and after two years of trying to work through it, I relented, we sold the house and have been each living on our own now for 6 months with 50/50 shared custody of our son. <P>She's happy with her new life and doesn't seem to understand what it tmeans to me. Everything I've ever worked for - wife, family, home, and security has been destroyed and discarded like a used klennex. Apparently they weren't as important to her anymore. We're on good terms, but being in her presence is very upsetting for me because she's so happy while the most important things I my life are now gone. I have a hard time thinking of her as a friend. A friend would never do the things she done to me or our son, nor would I want to socialize with some who doesn't value the things I do. Consequently, I try and smile when we're together (ie: son's Little League games), but the tension is overwhelming - at least for me.<P>Now to the question - My son's birhday is coming up and she envisions a birthday party with his friends and then the 3 of us going out to dinner, along with my parents. Clearly, my son should have his birthday party with his friends, but am I wrong to not want to go to dinner with her afterwards? <BR>One perspective is that it would look like a family event to him - but that's so phony because that's what she ended and there certainly wouldn't be a lot said at dinner. It's hard to remove the tension when you're "socializing" with someone who has destroyed the very family atmosphere she's pretending to have. <BR>The other alternative is that each of us could have a relaxed, enjoyable time (albet on different days) with our son celebrating his birthday individually. I'm sure my parents will do that anyway as they won't be comfortable with the false pretense of a family dinner. <BR>I've asked my son which he would prefer but I get different answers. Yes, he's would like us all to be together, but it isn't the same kind of togetherness he desires or once knew. Then he thought that two birthday dinners would be even better. <BR> <BR>The one other issue is that both of them are out of town the two weeks before his birthday visiting her family, and as they've done in the past I'm sure they will have a little celebration for his birthday before they return. Needless to say I'm not included (although I get along well with her family), so in essence we're celebrating his birthday seperately anyway.<BR>One other way to look at it is that she made her choice when she moved out. So the choice for his birthday should be his, although at age 8 I'm not sure they know enough to make the best decision (nor do they want that responsibility).<P>So in a nutshell, do I bit my lip and we go all together even though it resembles a funeral more than a celebration? Or do we each enjoy a truely happy occasion with our son at seperate times? All thoughts and suggestions welcome!<P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<P>

Go to the birthday party and then go to Dinner. Be the bigger man. (Not a slame) Let there be no doubt that your son is still in learning mode about being a person. <P>Bite your lip and go. ALL SMILES. ALL THE TIME. Be happy for him. <P>And I understand about the friends thing. TOTALLY. Today at 3:00Pm I pick the VSTBX up so I can drive her for 2 hours so we both can pick OUR daughter up from summer camp. The thought of being in the truck with this so called friend is a half step away from making me barf. But I love my D and I know I can put up with the c$@p for at least the2 hour drive up.. <P>I plan to go get a new hard rock CD and jam all the way up.. HeHeHe.. Heck with the new Tool CD blasting I could be ground zero and she can say anything she wants... <P>Good Luck<BR>Tex.

Think of it as a business relationship and how you would treat your partner in business. Makes it easier for me to swallow. I'm so PI$$ED at my W and we will be going through a very bitter legal ordeal soon but when I speak to her it's business and I'm "sunshine." <P>If she evr comes at me I dissociate the personal end (lawyers etc) with the business end (raising kids).<P>sourman

Why don't you try honesty??!! Tell her that you prefer to celebrate with your parents and your son alone. That you aren't comfortable with her there.

I wonder if your X also believes the rhetoric about how divorce is better for the children than sticking it out because of all the tension in the home (when their lack of desire to work on the marriage creates that tension!).<P>If she broke up his home to remove him from the tension, then why would she (or you) want a birthday dinner that recreates it??? For god's sake, give the kid (and yourself) a break. Have seperate birthday dinners with him. What do you want him to remember, a birthday dinner you describe as a funeral, or two seperate dinners where he has a good time?<P>Been there, done that. Kids see through everything. They know it's phony. He's got two seperate homes now with two seperate lives (through no fault of his own). Don't pretend otherwise, make it a happy occasion for each place he lives in.

My kids would give their right arms to have us all celebrate together, but of course the OW would not allow that.<P>I would give my right arm for my H to treat me like a friend, instead of an enemy. But then again he apparently believes that it is my fault that he "had" to go find an OW and leave his family.

Stardust,<BR>Your situation sounds alot like mine was. Our d's birthday was less than a month after we separated. I took d and one of her friends and my s to an amusement park. X, then w just followed in her car.<P>X just followed us around because she doesn't like amusemnt parks. She also didn't bring any money, so I paid for everything. X worked the nite before so she just moped around the whole time. When we wnet to the water park area, she went and sat by herself and didn;t even watch the over the kids in the wave pool. We ended up making her a pack mule, carrying all the wet stuff when we were riding rides.<P>For our s's birthday, she came to a bowling party I arranged and did pay for some of it. This was amazing in that we had a huge fight the nite before at her place of work and I almost got arrested. She acted like nothing happened.<P>Since the divorce, she didn;t come to d's birthday at another amusement park and for our s' last Dec, she was out of town getting married.<P>D's birthday is next month, don;t have anything planned yet.<P>I agree with the others in telling her that you are comfortable with that arrangement. Start showing her the consequences of her actions. If she wants separated that means there aren't family times. She can make her own arrangements and you can make yours.