I have been married for a long time and have 3 children with my husband. I married when I was 18 and now as I look back, I was not "in love" and probably did not know what it was like to be "in love". The problem is, is that now at the age of 40 I am wanting a relationship where I am "in love" with someone and who I have many things in common with. My husband and I have nothing in common except that we have the 3 kids together. We get along OK on day to day concerns but I feel for him like I would a good friend. We have no romance in our relationship and so there is a big void for me. <BR>Is there really a relationship where love thrives and doesn't go stale? I know any relationship takes work and effort.<BR>Also, the thought of divorce is very strong right now but I have heard and seen many go through it and they say it is just like a death, not to mention that it rips kids apart. I want so much to be happy and in love with someone but don't know if it is worth the risk of leaving something that is boring but stable for the sake of my kids.<BR>Also, we have tried counseling in the past that really never helped. He and I are also separted by religous beliefs that make life difficult. I go to church with kids but he stays at home either in bed or reading the paper. That grips me so much.<BR>SO, are there really the fairy tale marriages where 2 people are in love and happy??

It seems to me that you are asking a loaded question..<P>Your question sounds like your are asking for a justification to let your marriage go. <P>I cannot answer your question directly. I will say that from my stand point (IN MY LIFE) I have HOPE that something like what your are asking is out there somewhere. However, I also belive that it is what I choice to make of it. Only I can make me happy. Nobody can MAKE me happy, I can only choice to be happy with someone and choice to pertake in thier happiness if they choice to allow me. <P>I ask that you work on your marriage. You will not get me to believe that you two have been together for 22 years because you are good friends. Something else is going on with you that you are not sharing here in your post. (??)<P>Tex<BR>

"Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised. Conversely, it is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair at that time, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to."....My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love. True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision."<P>M. Scott Peck, "The Road Less Traveled" p.119<P>In my opinion, as suggested above, being "in-love" is a choice. If you choose to be "in-love" you shall and if you choose not to be then you won't. <P>I guess I would suggest starting some changes in your relationship. I'm sure there are things you can do together. Take charge and start doing them. Try to have some time weekly or whatever. <P>God Speed,<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

I'd like to say congrats on trying to work on your relationship before you ran off to see if the grass is greener. My H has said just about the same thing you have said, but he had the A to see if he wasn't happy anymore.<P>I think happiness in a relationship has to first come from you. If you are not happy in your relationship take a look at how happy you are with yourself. I have been doing a lot of looking at me instead and I have been amazed at the things I've found. I am reading "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers; Reclaiming your power, creativity, brilliance, and dreams" by Debbie Ford. This book has helped me personally.<P>Together we are reading the book "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw. This book again looks at the individual first and how it effects the relationship. It asks the tough questions and makes you think deeply about your beliefs. Here is a link to some info on the web for him.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.oprah.com/phil/phil_landing.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.oprah.com/phil/phil_landing.html</A> <P>Remeber that love has many stages...not just the ooky gooky first love feelings...Good luck...

Ever wonder whatever happened to Cinderella, Snowwhite and Sleeping Beauty after the wedding? A fairy tale is exactly that... a fairy tale. Marriage is the real thing. Could you just see those lovely ladies dealing with annoying little things like taking out the trash, dirty razors in the sink, toothpaste everywhere, smelly shoes under the table, and a snoring, belching, farting prince charming? That's reality.<P>I told my x the same thing. When I married him, I did it because I was pregnant and we were doing the right thing. I wasn't in love with him, but I grew to love him. Then I fought for my marriage for a long time until I finally lost it - literally. Now I'm divorced and still facing the prospect of never knowing what love really is. You know what, I'm not worried. I agree with lost husband about the capacity to be loving. There's so much truth to that. As far as happiness, well if we can make our own luck, why not our own happiness. Being a linguistics nut, I take a lot of words literally. Happy from happening, as in surroundings/environment. <P>There was never romance in my relationship with x either, but I finally found that the void in my life wasn't created by something missing from our relationship, rather something was missing from me. The void was inside me. I had to work on that first. I wish I could say that my story ended happily ever after, but it didn't and the divorce did a number on all of us. Emotionally, economically, even physically (stress, low immunity, sickness). A year later and I'm still recuperating. At least we don't try to kill each other now. <P>A friend recently told me that the reason the grass is greener on the other side, is because I wasn't watering my side. Ouch! Anyway, chins up - and I hope this helped some.<BR>