Well, I haven't been posting d/t loss of home internet. <P>My life continues in the downward path. My in laws last week came into town for family stuff and then proceeded to go to husbands new home with his new family. They went to OW's house. All this stuff just takes the cake. They went to see my kids and their son, didn't even bother to call me to see how I was. But then again, why should they. We only had a loving relationship for the past 17 years.<P>I guess this is how dysfunctional families work. H parents are both recovering alcoholics for about 20 years now. His mom works with counseling drug and alcholic persons and she does this. IMHO, they told my children by their actions that what their father is doing is OK and normal. I thought these people, actually his whole family, were more moral and had more values than what they are showing.<P>I am so sad for my kids. What his family is doing to them in the long run. They think WH is married to OW, or will be getting married, although he tells me no, but then again I haven't asked lately. My kids say they have a step mom and step brother and sisters. In all the crap my H says to me, the fact that HE THINKS THAT WHAT HE IS DOING IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE KIDS AND THAT THEY ARE HAPPY is beyond my comprehension. and his family supports them.<P>Lately I have been feeling like maybe it is ME. I am the idiot, unreasonable one, who just can't see the VALUE of what he is doing for his kids.<P>I have to see his parents this summer at the summer place we always go (NO I don't want to change that) and I am at a loss of what to say to them or how to behave towards them because I am so disappointed in them.<P>Any thoughts out there in marriage builder land?<P>Just read the five love languages by chapman. WHY DO WE FIND ALL THE GOOOD BOOKS AFTER IT IS TOO LATE, is that God's plan?<P>Hopelessmom

(((((hopelessmom)))))<P>No advice for you, just hugs. Who knows what's going one with your in-laws. Maybe they're too cowardly to stand up to their son, that's all. Some families are like that. Dysfunctional families don't often know what the "right" thing is to say or do, much less actually DO IT. <P>I don't know if this is a good idea but have you thought about calling them and just tossing in there that you'd heard they were in town and sorry they didn't stop in to visit, you'd have loved to have seen them? You know, Plan A the in-laws?<P>Maybe it wasn't a casual visit. Maybe the aduts had some serious discussing to do and that was the best way to do it? That's my optimistic side speaking. Always hope for the best, don't we?<P>No you are not an idiot. There is no value in showing your children that it is perfectly acceptable to dishonor their mother and then encourage the rest of the family to do so. What does this tell a daughter about HER value as a spouse? What does this tell a son about how to treat women?<P>I'm so sorry you're having a cr***y day, hopeless. Hang in there. <P>Snow<P>

I got same treatment, they have not contacted me or anything since she left. OM has been to there house a few times. Everyone thinks he is just wonderful. She made it a point to trash me to justify leaving me for other man. I feel now it doesn't really make a difference in my life what they think or feel.<BR>

Dear Hope, <P>How cruel of the in-laws. You keep your chin up and be proud that you are not that way. H will just have the learn real family values from you. Too bad adults older than us can't act like real parents. <P>My in-laws are supportive of me but wimpy about talking to their son. So H is not getting the attention from his parents at all. In a sense my situation is just the opposite but having the same effect. Crazy or what?<P>You are not the kooky one here. They are. We are proud of you upholding your family values. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P>

Interesting. The fog spreads.. I would hope that your (x?)Inlaws would be caring enough to be rolling with the punches right now. I don't know. In my case my folks could care less what my X does, as they feel she screwed the puuch. I love it when my X says that none of OUR friends ever call her. (Love it may be the wrong words, it just indicative of how much of an inability she has to interface with people that don't share her same view(s).)<P>Anyway. She said my folks never call her. I asked if she called them? Answer: No!. She said our friends never call her even after she sent a Christmas card. I asked my friends if they recieved a card. Answer: No!. Well Daaaa. <P>When I (If I) ever meet another woman that I intend to commit to, I garrentee my family and my friends will except her with open arms. And not be trying to avoid my X or do something behind her back. <P>My .02$<BR>Tex.<P>

Hopeless,<P>You are not unreasonable!!! I believe your views are absolutely correct. My h parents are both deceased but I am very close to my two sister in-laws, their spouses and their grown children. They are appalled at h behavior and have made it clear to him how they feel. She will never be welcome in their homes which means that Easter and Christmas day will be very different than what we are all used to. Thanksgiving is always at our house and obviously I will never let her set foot in my home. It will be quite interesting to see what happens as my inlaws will come as always (my family lives out of state)My sister inlaws have assured me that the boys and I will always be family.<P>H is so in the fog that he did not even attend his neices one year birthday party last week or show up for the family dinner afterward. Very sad. My children and I were there and wondered why dad didn't come to his own sisters house for dinner.<P>My h recently introduced my children (10&8) to ow as a friend. They have spent time with her about 4-5 times and I hate it. It literally makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. They have not been to her home. He and ow do not see how damaging this is to them. They believe it is perfectly ok even though we do not even have a divorce in process.<P>Do your inlaws really know the whole story? Maybe you should talk to them about what's going on.<P>My thoughts are with you.<P>Hoping

I understand how you feel. I know it is like another cut to the spirit and I'm sorry that you have to go thru this.<BR>However, if it's possible, try to see this from their side a bit. Maybe they are just totally uncomfortable on how and what their relationship with you should be at this moment. What seems like avoidance isn't maybe intentional.<BR>While their loyalties probably (must) lie with their son and as their child, they feel that they must offer him their unconditional love and support, they maybe don't know how to approach you after all this. I guess their visiting with him and doing what he has planned would be expected. (albeit perhaps hurtful to watch)<P>Since you imply that you want to have a future friendly relationship with your inlaws, I recommend that you extend the olive branch to them, since likely they are feeling uncertain about what to do. The response still might not be what you hope for as they might feel that they should be loyal to their son at all costs, however you will know that you tried.<P>

Waiting is correct. It must be up to you to define what your relationship with your inlaws will be. If you try to use them as a weapon to punish your spouse, it will backfire because he is their son and they love him. Do not force them to choose. Even if they were to choose you in the short-run, ultimately they will choose him (and her). Right or wrong, he is their son and they will want him in their lives. So, if you love them and want an ongoing relationship with them, define your own relationship with them. If you know they are or will be in town, plan your own time with them. You have every right to do that.<P>JAL