My wife and I are currently separated after almost 3 years of marriage, second for both of us. We do not have any children between us but each of us has 2 girls from our 1st marriage. Mine are 16 and 11 while hers are 13 and 6. Her children were living with us in our household, mine are with their mother. All the classic problems outlined in this web page existed in the homeplace coupled with the problems of a blended family. We tried counseling, but that made matters worse. The conflicts had gotten to the point where I could not handle the fighting and arguing any longer, so I withdrew from the marriage, bigtime. On March 10th, she demanded that I commit to more counseling and when I told her I would let her know after I got back from a weekend business trip, all hell broke loose. She packed her bags in the middle of the night and left with the kids. This occurrence has happened two other times in the past. On March 15th, we got together to discuss where our marriage stood, was it over or not? All we did was argue and bring up the past. She demanded an answer so I gave it to her. I was not going to continue to allow her, our children or myself to live under these constant conditions any longer, the marriage was over. She got very emotional, as expected, and left the house again. One of the consequences of this statement to her wound me up in a jail cell for a few hours. That’s right, she had me wrongfully arrested in the middle of the night under the alleged charge of harassment. It was the most humiliating thing I have ever gone through. Needless to say, I immediately hired an attorney and filed for divorce. When asked why she did it, she explained, it was the only way she could come up with to force us into counseling. We are currently living apart. The courts gave her possession of the house so I was forced to leave. She has apologized profusely for what she did and does not want a divorce. She states that she is still very much in love with me. As strange as it must sound, I also still love her, but have told her emphatically that I will not reconcile this marriage under the environment or conditions by which we were living. My children, family and friends think I am nuts to even consider trying to salvage this marriage. I have told her that I must come to grips with what she has done to me and decide on my own whether I can forgive her. There are so many issues surrounding this marriage that it would take me days to explain them. In the meantime, can anyone help me with some advice on how we should interact with each other while we are separated? We are talking daily and have seen each other numerous times. We are still very physically attracted to each other so should sex be avoided? What about her children, should I maintain contact with them even if we end up in the end divorcing? I want to avoid having any confrontations with her, but at the same time try and find some resolve. My wife is an emotional person. She has a problem with impulsive, explosive and irrational behavior, so I have to measure my words and actions very carefully. These behaviors result in me not being able to be completely honest with her, all to avoid confrontations of course. Should I be concerned with this or should I just let her emotions fly and let her deal with it in her own way? Any ground rules or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

JBS:<P>Your wife says that she wants counseling. I suggest that you do it with her, but through MarriageBuilders. Steve Harley is very good with getting people to change their behaviors: it seems that you both love each other, it's the LOVEBUSTERS that are driving you apart.<P>You really don't have a lot to lose by trying a 6 month course of counseling. <P>

JBS - <BR>Apart from the kids (we have none), the parallels between you & me are striking. We've been married almost 3 years, separated now for two months (living in different cities), enough issues to crash this server, and my wife seems to behave in a way similar to yours - and I've taken almost exactly the same approach / response as you seem to have done. What's worked for me in separation is a "don't call me, I'll call you" approach. I need the time and space to get myself back together, and my wife's behaviour and impulses have prevented me from being honest with myself, about what I want and need and whether I can get these from our marriage. It took a bit of time for her to get used to me telling her I don't want to talk daily, but this approach seems to have worked for her too - she's facing her own reality, living her own life with herself, and she seems to enjoying her life a bit more than she has been for the past year and a half. We chat on the phone or see each other (never at each other's houses) about once a week - and this has turned us into almost easy-going friends. So different from the hammer-and-tongs of the past year. Physical attraction? I don't bring up the topic with her, but I am still very attracted to her. And the last thing I want to do is have sex with her, because to me that'd just complicate things a whole lot more. Not really knowing a lot about your situation, please ignore what I'm saying if it comes across as an idiotic rambling. Basing my experience of separation against those of a couple of my friends, for me separation means just that - if one wants to separate, separate to a degree that allows good space for both partners. And if it takes confrontation, I suppose that is a tough and personal decision. I went the confrontation route at the start of our separation, because if I couldn't get what -I- needed out of the separation, I certainly wasn't going to get it out of our marriage. I reckon I've found separation to be one of the most humiliating things I've ever done to myself, but for us, the way in which we've gone about it has done some good things. For me at least, it's more than simply living in different houses.