A couple of e-mails from by mother in law and I am so angry I can't stand it! Her telling me my STBX is so depressed.AWWWWWWWWW poor him! Is staying drunk and sleeping with another man's wife not fulfilling anymore?Is not having a car or job getting him down? Oh poor baby.Or is it the possibility of jail time and a cell mate named Ben Dover getting to him ? Poor Poor him. I hope he is miserable. He told her he just wanted to see our son. Huh? he didn't even want to come see him on his birthday, he was too busy getting drunk with Mrs. Laymedown.I'm sorry, any thought of him still hurts so badly, brings back everything. The isolation, the beng made to feel inferior, the verbal abuse of the kids, the verbal abuse of myself........I just hurt.

Know just how you feel. My MIL and FIL gave my H "a few bucks" (SIL snooped in MIL's checkbook ledger and it said $10,000!!) because H told them that I am trying to starve him to death. While I paid all the bills and bought all the groceries he had no bills at all. I still had enough money to give a retainer to my lawyer and stay in a motel for 2 weeks after he threw me and kids out to move OW in. He's broke? Could it be because he's spent every cent on drugs and alcohol? Poor H. Of course, OW gets unemployment after I made H fire her after they moved in together. But that probably doesn't buy enough beer and drugs, even camping in the woods as they have been. <P>They also use the "blood is thicker" excuse and have criticized SIL for siding with me. SIL is clean and sober after losing her kids to us. Now oldest has moved out and youngest is back with her. She told her M and F that her sobriety is the most precious thing she has. She lost everything to drugs and alcohol and got everything back with sobriety and she's not willing to let anyone or anything interfere with that.

Alone Now... maybe the intent of your MIL is to let you know that it seems your H is hitting bottom. I hope so - because only then will he work to get himself out of this. I don't know why else she'd tell you. Hang in there... try to take the high road whenever you can. Keep your attitude up as high as you can and be sure you're taking good care of yourself. It's hard, I know, but work on it for you. You can do it... you MUST do it! Try hard not to let the root of bitterness take hold - a seemingly impossible task... choose wisely (word, attitudes, behaviors, etc), please for your own sake and sanity and dignity.<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

<B>Alone now</B> ~<P>I'll say it again, this is the last time! <P><B>Al-Anon</B>.<P>All of these issues and feelings can get sorted out through the 12 steps and you'll act better, and feel better. And when MIL writes or calls, you'll not lose your serenity.<P>Your H probably is depressed, seriously so. That may be one of the reasons he drinks...many alcoholics self-medicate that way, which is why in AA you will hear that once sober, any number of psychiatric disorders may come to light that need professional treatment.<P>I know that you are angry, understandably so. But compassion for the alcoholic and detachment from the alcoholic will leave you much happier. <P>Please seek out an Al-Anon meeting as fast as you can.<P>--BR<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I know Bramble, I have a hard head. I will go I promise, everything will go from what happens today. I've had a terrible pain running down my leg and numbness in that same foot and leg for the last 2 days, it gets so bad I just lay and cry, I am a nurse I know I will be hospitalized.I have my protective order hearing this week and my divorce hearing this week,I've been putting off going for medical treatment because like I said, I know something is wrong and I will more than likely be admitted.Too much happening right now. I want everything done and over, but am unsure if I can take this physical pain too much longer. Anyway, that is where I am right now, in between a rock and a hard place. I will attend al-non as soon as I can.This is all very scary, new job, sole provider of my children, I am alone, and now this.

Ditto what BR says, Alone. <P>About the MIL. My SIL is an absolutely wonderful woman who will call things as she sees 'em, no pussyfooting around. Except when it comes to her own son. It's taken her 10 years to admit that her own son has serious drug/abuse problems. He's taken $$$ (thousands) from her. She's bailed him out more times than I can count. His druggie friends have stolen and used her credit card... it's a mess. Always will be. But she'll always be there for him. She's his mom. She's hoping things will get better, that he'll hit rock bottom. <P>His mom, I'm guessing, is the last person to take relationship advice from!<P>Snow

MIL maybe telling you this so you will take her alcoholic son back and then he won't come to her doorstep looking for her to take care of him. JMO

Now that I've had time to calm down and think........his acting depressed is probably for mommy. If he is THAT depressed he would make an effort to change.He has pulled the depressed crap with me many times, and many times I have said "oh, I will help you" and BAM he's back in,that's the reason I tried the last time, he'd said he tried to kill himself then admitted himself into rehab for depression/alcohol/substance abuse.<BR> Then he goes back to the old lying ,cheating, manipulative crap. Maybe I'm wrong, but Bramble is this not just another alcoholic thing? I've certainly experienced it over and over with this man. He uses your sympathy and your love to get back in, then goes back to being the same guy.Hey, I think I may have learned something here I can't remember how many times I've heard him say" I just need to kill myself" then I'd start telling him how he should never talk about that, he could be a better person.....blah blah blah, I used to fall for it everytime.I do beleive he is miserable, but I know no one can change that except him.<BR> He is using depression now to get to his mom, his sister, his married girlfriend to feel sorry for him, he uses it to get sympathy, to make me the bad guy, to get their support.It's plain and simple, he's a USER.<p>[This message has been edited by alone now (edited June 19, 2001).]

I'd say he had his Taker going full bore right about now. You have a very complex life, even ignoring Peter Pan and Wendy. Take a break, please. You are making me tired <P>Seriously, I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I know your pain, too. I feel sad for us all when I hear of/see/live through such immorality, especially when it right in front of the children, as in my case with my (3 week)XW and her (guessing 6 months PA, 1 year EA) OM, who used to be my friend. Its really a rancid, cancerous thing, isn't it? I have been here for a couple of months, and to a couple of other boards, and I feel refreshed by the fellowship I feel when I come here. I care, and I want you to know that I hope your life gets better every day. You feel betrayed on many levels right now. Please be true to yourself here. Do you want him back? (I mean, let's say he REALLY changed...do you?) He is a user...and you feel manipulated, and you feel bad about trusting him, but you know that it is important in a relationship (one that you intend to survive until your death, that is) to allow our SOs to influence us...it validates them. It also works that way for all kinds of addicts. Have you read Dr. Harley's article on codependency? You might be the first person I've encountered that has a BAD CODEPENDENT marriage. I don't know enough about codependency to comment accurately, but I'm sure you have tools with which to break the cycle. Use them. Use them anyway. You have to get closure on that one. I do know that. Go to AL-ANON, like your friends have told you. I'd also recommend reviving a lost hobby, or interest, or getting a new one. You seem to be an achiever...go achieve something. Do something big...do it for you, okay? Take care of yourself.

Geez waiting, sorry i've made you tired, beieve me this all makes me tired also. And no I do not want him back, even if he changed. I don't know him. Don't you have to know someone to love them? I have no idea who this man is anymore.I live for me and my children now. I go in front of the judge tomorrow for my divorce, I am ready to be free from this so I can move on and heal and someday(maybe) have a healthy relationship, but for now, alone is fine with me.Oh yeah, Captain Hook says hey.

alone now, Yes, this is alcoholic behavior. My H tries to pull the same thing on me. Yesterday, through a friend he tried to tell me that he still loves me, wants to go to rehab if I'll help pay for it, and said he's "almost" done with OW! When I responded that there are lots of free programs and that I'll talk to him when he's in recovery and OW is completely out of the picture, he said, "F### it then." He got big bucks out of his parents with the sob story that I'm trying to starve him to death. <P>I second BrambleRose, try Al-Anon. I've been going for the last week. Went in the past until my H got sober and wish I'd kept going. It truly is possible to have serenity despite what your H does.

Hi <B>Alone now</B> ~<P>Yes it's typical alcoholic behavior. My Al-Anon sponsor always tells me that that alcoholics have a special 6th sense that tells them when they have crossed that "line" with you, and they will instantly promise anything and evertying, and do whatever it takes to make you go back to dancing that comfortable dance that enables their drinking.<P>That's why an alcoholic will "be good" for a short time after screwing up majorly.<P>There's no change, its simply manipulation.<P>Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing.<P>Your H simply has other enablers in his life also. His mother and his GF are helping to create that comfortable environment for unacceptable behavior, so there is no pain greater than change yet.<P>Go to Al-Anon as fast as you can.<P>--BR<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>