To whoever would like to help,<P>My wife and I have been married for almost 19 years now. We have 2 beautiful children, a house, a dog the whole american dream.<P>Our problem is a happiness issue. Namely she just is not happy with me, and as you know it is almost impossible to make someone else happy.<P>I have been wrestling with the personal demon of when is it enough? When have you tried everything possible to provide happiness to your partner in life?<P>My biggest fear is her extreme anger. I mean anger to the point of violence. If I do or say anything that she feels that violates her in any way.....look out. I've been beaten, had posessions destroyed, had my clothes thrown out into the street for the neighbors to see, I've been publically humiliated.<P>As a result of this, I have at times falled to depression, and have at times fallen into the bottle, this as you could imagine has only made things worse.<P>During our latest we'll call it an "adventure", after work one day I went to visit a close freind and help him fix a machine that he was having troubles with (I'm good at things like this). And yes I did have a few beers while at my friends. On my arrival home I was confronted by a crazy woman throwing things at me verbal abuse, the hole nine yards. To make a long story short my wife ended up calling the police on ME for what is called a 302, or in other words she tried to have ME committed.<P>My question is when is it time to give up?<P>I'm afraid of losing everything that I have worked hard to build. I'm afraid of loosing my kids. I'm afraid of being forced into a situation that I will strike back.<P>Any wisdom would be appreciated.

Only you know when it's time to call it quits. One word of caution. Protect your children.

One thing I'm struggling to learn is how to disengage from the constant battling. How to not "be" confronted when he confronts me. How to change the way I react. How to not expect anything better than what he's been dishing out all these years. <P>I gave up when it was time for me to give up and I knew I was done. That's something no one can know but you.<P>Snow

I can't tell you when it's time to give up, but I think there are things you two could still do to "give it a chance." <P>What about counseling? What about anger management? No, no one will want to go to these, but faced with a possible divorce, maybe she'll see the seriousness of the situation.<P>And you too....you need to find a way to deal with your depression instead of drinking. As you said, it's only making it worse.<P>I can tell you from experience: You will never fully realized what you COULD have done, until you no longer have the chance to do anything.<P>Having said that, I hope you (and she) can find an ounce of motivation to try EVERYTHING you can. 19 years is a looooong time to just give up without a major fight to save the marriage, esp. for your kids.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O

Hi <B>Beat</B> ~<P>No, you can't make another person happy. It sounds like there are some bigger issues that have to be dealt with first before your marriage can be worked on.<P>Do you have an alcohol problem? If so, start by getting help for yourself in AA. <P>You can't fix your wife. She'll have to seek it on her own. I do think you are being abused, and I'm not sure what advice would even help you. There must be help for male domestic violence victims, but I don't know myself. <P>Counseling for yourself would be a very good start. A good therapist could help you sort some of this out and help you make a plan.<P>Good luck!<P>--BR

Dear Mrs. O,<P>Thank you for the words of wisdom. I would love nothing more than to give it a chance. I guess we have been having troubles for the past 7-8 years. In this time span we have been seperated 3 times, most recently last year at this time for about 7 months (I'm too embarassed to tell you why). During this time frame we went to counseling for about 10 weeks. I ended up moving back in (much to the dismay of the counselor) and as always things were wonderful for about 3 months, now it seems we are back to where it was. It's a visious cycle that keeps repeating itself.<P>Believe me I am no prince, and no matter how thin you slice it there is always two sides to every story. I have always been faithful, I have always provided a good living, I have always been a good father to our children, I have always taken my responsibilities seriously.<P>Just a question from a woman's point of view. Why do women feel the need to control their husband? I've seen this not only in my relationship, but with several of my friends as well.<P>I think you're right about the seperate counseling and the AA meetings.<P>Thank you again for your time and reply,<P>Beat<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mrs.O:<BR><B>I can't tell you when it's time to give up, but I think there are things you two could still do to "give it a chance." <P>What about counseling? What about anger management? No, no one will want to go to these, but faced with a possible divorce, maybe she'll see the seriousness of the situation.<P>And you too....you need to find a way to deal with your depression instead of drinking. As you said, it's only making it worse.<P>I can tell you from experience: You will never fully realized what you COULD have done, until you no longer have the chance to do anything.<P>Having said that, I hope you (and she) can find an ounce of motivation to try EVERYTHING you can. 19 years is a looooong time to just give up without a major fight to save the marriage, esp. for your kids.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I don't think ALL women feel the need to control their husbands. But if they do, IMHO, it probably relates to a need or needs not being met.<P>Example: I had a need for my H to give me support in doing household stuff (not cleaning, etc....construction stuff that I couldn't or didn't know how to do.) He promised to do it. He didn't. I asked. He promised. Then I offered to hire someone else to do it. He blew his top. He thought I was "going around" him and trying to manipulate him into doing it. <P>Gosh darn it, I just wanted it done! It was something we both agreed on and that he promised to do. But he didn't. So he renigged on his promise.<P>So in his eyes, I was controlling and manipulative. <P>Anyway, you might want to take a look at the specific areas that's she seems to be controlling in and see....are you missing a need that she needs met? Just a question.<P>We often see control as the other person wanting us to do it THEIR way. But in reality, they might just have a need that needs meeting, and it comes across as controlling.<P>Just a thought.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

It sounds to me like there is a real power imbalance in your marriage. That is often the case when one spouse has an A on the other- they feel justified for doing it and its the ultimate in disrespect. Have you read James Dobsons book Love Must Be Tough? He describes this type of marriage situation. Good luck. lifeismessy