Quick re-cap:<BR>Divorce final 4/30/01<BR>I move on with hopes of XH coming out of the fog and realizes all that he gave up<BR>Month and a half ago, XH realizes what type of person the OW is (BAD, very bad!)<BR>De-fogging begins<BR>XH starts to contact me<P>My problem is this: <P>I am not inferring that reconciliation is a possibility, he came right out and asked me. Lot's of ups and downs, and not that I didn't expect this. Getting back together is something I am totally open to, thus I welcomed him back into my life with open arms.<P>For the past week and a half he has been cooling his jets. I realize how important it is for him to do some "figuring out" by himself. But lately, I am feeling like I am being used for him to "get over" everything. Kind of like I am being his councelor.<P>I am starting to think that we were in kind of a "honeymoon" phase of possible reconciliation. Me, especially going at it full force (meaning my heart totally being in it). <P>One of the issues that broke XH and OW up was the fact that she told him that he could never have any contact with me again. This made him "be" someone that he isn't, being he of course cared a great deal about me and considering how he left me.<P>So mabey, he just wants to show me how much he cares and how dreadfully sorry he is for what he did, and that is it. He keeps telling me how great he had it, how in love he was, how we made such an awesome team, and how I am probably the best person he has ever known and ever will. <BR>When someone goes all the way with an affair, meaning he left me and went through with the divorce, does it mean that I am chasing after an elusive dream of reconciliation?<P>Could we have just gotten caught up in the moment? I know I didn't. Right now he is afraid to make any promises to me about the future. I actually told him that I didn't feel we should talk anymore or at least for awhile. This is really messing with my heart.<P>As soon as I said let's not talk for awhile, he calls me and actually came by to see me on Sat. Like he wants me to hang out in the side lines until he is ready to commit (or shall I say committed? ) I have expressed a little anger lately and have been feeling impatient. <P>I had to make a new life with no help from him. Now he keeps telling me how he will help me financially, emotionally, etc. Call it pride but I don't want anything from him. I am proud of myself for where I am at. I have a hard time with just being his friend. With him, it is all or nothing. Does any of this make sense?<P>I am typing so quick and have so much to express, but I am at work! <P>Thanks,<BR>Petrie<BR> HELP!!!<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>I am starting to think that we were in kind of a "honeymoon" phase of possible reconciliation. Me, especially going at it full force (meaning my heart totally being in it).</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is, very likely true, IMO.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>...does it mean that I am chasing after an elusive dream of reconciliation?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You will never know how elusive the dream is unless you pursue it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Could we have just gotten caught up in the moment? I know I didn't. Right now he is afraid to make any promises to me about the future. I actually told him that I didn't feel we should talk anymore or at least for awhile. This is really messing with my heart.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Given his recent track record, it is understandable that he would be afraid to make any promises. You're not the only one who can't trust him: he can't trust himself! It seems that he is very well aware how his emotions have deceived him, and it's going to take him a while to find himself again. Ideally, he should get help with this, not from <I>you</I>, but from a good uninvolved counselor.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>As soon as I said let's not talk for awhile, he calls me and actually came by to see me on Sat. Like he wants me to hang out in the side lines until he is ready to commit (or shall I say committed? ) I have expressed a little anger lately and have been feeling impatient. <P>I had to make a new life with no help from him. Now he keeps telling me how he will help me financially, emotionally, etc. Call it pride but I don't want anything from him. I am proud of myself for where I am at. I have a hard time with just being his friend. With him, it is all or nothing. Does any of this make sense?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not going to call it "pride". I'm going to call it "boundaries". Given the betrayal you experienced, it is more than reasonable for you to extend your boundaries out further than they used to be when you were still married (and before the affair). Your XH needs to respect these boundaries, and if he doesn't know how, then he'd better learn.<BR>

Thanks Gnome!<BR>Your responses are right on!<P><BR>

Amen, GDP. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by REJECTED:<BR><B>So mabey, he just wants to show me how much he cares and how dreadfully sorry he is for what he did, and that is it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think YOU need to be "in charge" of your responses right now...set those boundaries. If he really "wants to show me how much he cares..." then LET HIM. Don't be there, coaxing it out of him, listening to all his heartaches. Make him make the moves. Don't show that you are so open...so willing (even if in your heart you are).<P>I can understand your perplexity right now...if that happened to me, I'd be thinking the same thing....could I trust him...is what he's saying just another "exploration" of his feelings, or has he figured some stuff out.<P>Well, the best way to resolve this, IMHO, is to go to counseling and let the counselor be the objective judge of his motives. You and he need to start over...from scratch....not from where it left off, I think. And you need to give it TIME....like at least 6 months or so, of "dating" again...with the regular counseling...before you should commit to anything, again IMO.<P>Re-read the Plan A stuff so that you can relate to him in a good way when you have to; but keep your distance and cool, until you see real action from him. The proof is in the pudding. Guard your heart right now.<P>Patience is the key-word....and I know how very difficult that is. But you can't rush into this...too much water under the bridge, too much at stake.<P>Good luck...my prayers are with you.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>(just another question....how long since D-day?)<P>

Aloha Mrs. O!<P>My divorce was final on 4/30/01. Excellent reply, merci.<P>Guess where I am going in August......HAWAII!<BR>Saying Aloha made me think about it. Boy, am I looking forward to that trip more than ever!!!

Ooops....meant how long since discovery of the affair?<P>Where in Hawaii....all the island are cool, but the Big Island is the best! HA!<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O

Duh (I'm really bad at memorizing all of the abbreviations)<BR>D-day was early August 2000. Meaning when I actually confirmed my suspicions. He started the affair in Sept/Nov of 1999. Wow, just writing that makes me want to, well let's just say lose my lunch. <P>I'll be going to MAUI. I have been to Kauai, and thought that island to be absolutely beautiful! Don't think you can go wrong in Paradise!! <P>