Just got an e-mail from my exH discussing my daughter's first 7 week summer vacation with him and his new wife. We were divorced 12/20/2000 after 12 years of marriage and he married his OW on 1/27/01. In his note he stated that most of his family is coming to see them while my daughter is with him at the end of July.<P>I was not really surprised to hear this but it still hurts. I was a very good daughter-in-law and his family would talk to me rather than him to arrange get togethers. Now they have all basically abandoned me even though he was the one that wanted the divorce and he was the one who committed adultery (my in-laws are devout catholics).<P>Any advice on how to put this hurt behind me? <P>Barrington

Maybe they just want to see your daughter...not necessarily him and the OW....<P>I wouldn't take it as a personal insult towards you.<P>I can tell you that my MIL and my H's family too are totally confused and hurt at what my H did. I still speak with my MIL and his aunt (we all live very far apart). They don't really know how to respond. They don't want to take sides, even tho they can clearly see what happened and disagree with my H's behaviour.<P>I don't blame them, as in my brother's divorce situation, I still loved my SIL even tho she did dumb stuff (EA) and I thought she made a fairly stupid move. But I also wanted to see my nieces and nephew and realized that she was their mom and that I didn't want to bad-mouth her, even in my thoughts.<P>Anyway, try to keep a good attitude about them....even tho it seems like this is a betrayal of sorts. I don't really think it is....<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs.O (edited June 18, 2001).]

Pat,<P>do you think they are going to abandon their flesh and blood? No, i don't think so, especially if they want to see their son happy, which he appears to be AT THIS TIME.<P>Don't assume that they will react the way you are reacting, they are not his wife that he betrayed. Some parents are very supportive of whatever their offspring do, good or not. Its the unconditional love of a chold from a parent, remember that? That is not the same as love between equals, specifically H and W.<P>Let him go, wish him well. When my IL's were visiting X, we were on the phone together, and she specifically went to the effort of twisting my words, and then complain that i was trying to manipulate her. Now remember, her parents could only hear one side of the conversation. The are very accommodating, meaning, whatever their daughter wants, she gets. When we split the household, i took the dinner ware, which is very nice stainless, and she replied that she wanted them, but "it's OK, i can get my parents to buy me a new set." her parents will buy anything she needs, mine refuse to buy anything for me, except christmas presents.<P>also, their son reflects alot of their values, and upbringing, so they have to agree in some respects. very few parents are willing to give tough love a try when necessary, not that this is a time, but the concept of being tough on their son is probably foreign.<P>When my dad took me to my first ship in college, he told the captain "don't be easy on him!" and he wasn't, but i did fine. there are stories, but not now. But my dad is very structured, which is a J personality. a P personality will not be so tough minded.<P>look at it like you want your XH to be as happy as he can be, with you or with someone else, the highest form of love. Your next relationship will come in time, but continue to work on yourself, to be as accepting as possible, and don't take everything personally.<P>good luck<P>tom<BR>

Tom,<BR>Thanks for your insightful post. I have, of late, been of the mindset that I am going to be the better person and wish my ex well. Of course this is easier said than done. I realize that I have had enormous difficulty in letting go of the relationship whereas it seems to have been very easy for him.<P>I am slowly thinking about what I want out of life and remembering the things that I used to do to make myself happy. <P>I know that I was a very loving and supportive wife to my ex (he at times has even said this himself) but our marriage was just not meant to last. His affair was about him but my inability to let go of our relationship is all about me.<P>Thanks for reminding me to take charge of my life. One baby step at a time.<P>Pat