Today my H tried to contact me through a 3rd party several times. I have a temporary restraining order against him. He told his friend that his lawyer had given him a piece of paper with 2 boxes. One said "no possibility of reconciliation" adn the other said "possibility of reconciliation." My H told his friend that he didn't want to check the "no possibility" box because he still loves me. The friend said he thought he knew what I'd say, that my H is still drinking and living with OW. <P>My H said he knows he needs treatment but has no money to pay for it and that relationship with OW is almost over, that they both know it can't work. I told friend to tell him that there are lots of free programs for getting sober and that when he's in a program and OW's out of the picture, then I'll talk to him. His response to me, through friend, was, "F### it then." Obviously sobriety is not his real goal.<P>It was very hard for me to stand firm on this. I know that this is just an attempt to stop me from filing for divorce right now and to see if he can still manipulate me. But I still feel guilty when I stand up for myself and say, "No."<BR>

It's okay...you didn't get this way over night..and it will<BR>take awhile for you to change your way of thinking..

Dear LetsTry,<P>It is hard, very hard. You are doing good. You are also right to see the real options and not let your H make you feel sorry for him. Pity is not what he needs right now, it is 'tough love'. The hardest to give but could be the only one that will help. Appreciation will not be instantaneous. It will take time. You are dealing with 2 strong addictions. <P>We are here to help you be strong. We are your support. The lawyer sounds like he is trying to put some sense in front of your H. There is only so much anyone on the outside other than your H can do. Even you are limited on how much you can help him. <P>L.

LetsTry - I'm proud of you. It takes a lot of courage and strength to stand up for what you know is right. Just think of it as a tough love kind of thing. If your H REALLY wants things to get better, he is going to have to get better. In the mean time stand your ground! I'll be praying for you.<P>Cagney<P>

Lets Try,<P>You did well! Think of it as giving your H his best shot at "owning" his problems and finding his solutions. HE must decide to get help for the drinking. HE must decide to eliminate the OW for good. You have to remind yourself - if you could have fixed his problems, you would have already done so.<P>You are doing the most loving thing in the world by no longer enabling him in either the drinking or the affair. You should not feel guilty - you should be PROUD of yourself!!!! I am.<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Thanks everyone for your support. I told his friend today that from now on, if H tries to send a message through him,to tell him that he should contact his lawyer and she can tell my lawyer. His friend was relieved since it puts him in an awkward position. It's just too hard for me to keep listening to his lies and accusations.<P>I'm going to as many Al-Anon meetings as I can - all 3 in this area. I am lucky enough to have a flexible schedule and nothing else to do now that I'm living alone (sniff, sniff). I'm not expecting appreciation ever, necessarily. But I know I have to take care of myself now. I suppose in MB terms, I'm back to Plan B, without another letter. Everything I have to say has been said, more than once already.

LST,<BR>Checking in on you!<BR>I agree with others - you have so much courage and strength and you are doing the best thing possible right now! Tough love and not enabling your H's addiction!<BR>WE are with you!!<BR>Lots of hugs! miss you!<BR>S